Pedigree of Convention Versus Desperation

I often find myself thrown into the “does this really work” mentality at work. Not that I”m educated in such fields of design, layout or even type, but in some way I feel more qualified to ask that question.

I flip through various pieces we send to potential clients and wonder, “do we really try to say something different with our words and design or are we merely just trying to get the job done?”

I find myself in this place, yet again, wondering how I got here and why I’m lingering for so long? I want to make a difference and change something in a big way, but the pushing of this giant boulder up the hill is seeming a little redundant. I’m partially expecting it to roll back on top of me and flatten my direction as a 20 something employee.

I should be happy I have a job and rejoice in my steady paycheck I always count before my chickens have reached the bank, but I wonder each and every Monday “why?” Not “why can’t I find that dream job and …”, but rather “why can’t I seem to get past this hump?” Proposal generation has slowed down drastically and I’m no longer the go-to girl of the office. Not sure of the change in the amount of work I usually had thrown at me, but part of me is not entirely sad of the fact. I’m having to create things for me to do, thus bringing me to the question “is the chopping block about to hit my head?” Am I the next person to be laid off due to this halt in our construction industry? If so, why me? I’m not the best in design in terms of designers, but I feel like I have a few legs up here on the variety I can offer.

Right now, as three co-workers busily move about for a project across the states, I sit here making up things to pursue because “must not seem bored” lest my boss have to talk with me again on “whether or not I really like my job.”

“Really like my job”…what a rarity. I hate it when people gush over their love of their jobs because it shoves my face into the mirror of “how I’m not my job’s biggest fan”. First of all, I sit behind a desk when I should be with people talking and making things happen.

There could be an opportunity, even though as each passing month ends I feel less confident, for me to move to our Phoenix office. There’s a need but no budget. “Hello” risk, but that I would love. I would love to be needed and able to do more than sit here and be a design monkey. Sorry, Amy.

I think the worst part is I don’t look good on paper. For me to pursue another adventure would be direct contact and winning them over with my personality and passion.

On top of that, my second plan was to stick through these tough times at my job and volunteer like crazy. Funny enough no one is interested in my volunteering in a committee, program aspect. What? Really?

I guess the real question is: Am I desperate enough to take what comes my way here or am I empowered enough to kick conventions ass and make my own way? I’m hoping for the latter.

Flat Tire

Yesterday, I decided I was going to do something about this bike I bought back in January. I was gearing up and went to check the air in the tires. A little low, I proceeded to “fix” the problem only to make it worse. By the end of it all, I had no air in my tires and only two options in moving forward: a) buy a new pump or b) run up to the gas station to “fill er up”. I did neither.

I have never put air in my tired before and ever since using my dad’s pressure pump and having it scare the living crap out of me, I haven’t been the same since around compressed air. 

It’s funny how being afraid to use the air compressors stopped me short from getting back on that bike and moving forward. I do that a lot, I feel. 

I’m afraid to ride a bike competitively or for extended distance because I’m worried I won’t be able to stay in for the long run. I’m afraid to have a flat and not know what to do. I’m also afraid of being last. All sorts of things stopping me short. 

I hate that about fear. Not to say I’ll never get on that bike or sell that car or buy that house or move or whatever, but that it will take me a LONG while to get there because of it.

There’s No Fun in Waiting

For the past, I don’t know, two months I’ve been obsessed with the Volvo c30. This little car stole my heart when I saw it parked outside of the strip behind Crossroads Market (or what use to be). It was navy with just lovey interior. Even though Amy described the shape of the car to be “bulbous” I still loved it, bulbous and all. 

I didn’t start my “new car” journey until I was having an in warranty job done to my Honda. I was blessed enough to have gone in when I did, because my car’s warranty expired exactly one month later. I started thinking about whether or not I wanted to get the extended warranty and then  a little thought popped into my head: get a new car. 

I looked at the Honda (because, let’s face it I love Honda) Fit and Insight. I was wanting a hatchback in a bad way. Actually, I was wanting the Volvo C30 in a bad way so nothing Honda offered me was better. One Friday, while shopping in vain for a wedding present at a store that would in fact turn out to be closed once I got there, I decided to stop by a Volvo dealer. 

“I just wanted to look”, I told myself, “It’s been a long day and you earned a little visual pleasure.” About 45 minutes later we were shaking on a not very good deal and I was borrowing the black love of my life for the weekend. Baby, does that car melt me. Elated in my own freedom and grown-up-ness in getting a deal that I wanted to show it to my parents for final approval. BAD IDEA. Not only was I shot down in mid-drive, but left crying because this one earthly possession was not mine after all. 

One embarrassing return that afternoon and credit check later, I was back in my Honda. No standard, no MP3 jack, no 2.35 turbo engine with a enough get up and go that you felt they finally managed to make the delorean in pint size. 

Since then I’ve been obsessed. I talk about it until no end. Amy has now started tuning me out and my mom makes big sighs notifying me the conversation is boring her. In short, I want it. I crave it. It’s like a flavor I can’t get out of my mouth and no gum will suffice (sorry, Jillian Michaels). Well, that was until a friend who worked for Volvo let me in on a little secret: Ever since Volvo was bought out by Ford they have the Ford promise to be flashy and fun until four years later when they start to die in the worst way. 

Dreams. Crushed.

I still held on, but now with a little more caution. Then, one lovely Saturday, I found one that compairs: the Audi A3. A five-door, hatchback with a little less turbo, but plenty of Audi promises. I’ve searched, built my own and found the prices and features relatively the same. 

Enter today. I hate today. I hate that every where I look I have people telling me “don’t buy”. “Save, save, save”, they say. I want to slap each and every one of them. 

Don’t they know about this love I have? This love given to only earthly possession that eventually find themselves broken and expensive. 

I hate this love. I hate everything about it’s green, tight little grasp that makes me feel that if I don’t get this car now I might surely die. Okay, that’s a little dramatic, but you get the idea: it’s bigger than I know how to control or want to control. 

Call me materialistic, selfish, financially screwed or economically blind. All these things I won’t deny or be offended by; in a way, I’m past all that. What I am having a hard time with is why is this stronger than I feel I can control? 

Because I’m a Jesus lover, I believe that my desire to fill a hole with earthly possession is my need to be really filling it with Jesus. Does that make sense? If not, tell me and I’ll go into further detail. 

Right now, I’ve been recounting a prayer “it’s in Your hands, it’s in Your hands, it’s in Your hands,” over and over again to remind myself God is bigger and better than this want that feels like a need. But, why is it not going away? 

I’ve been distracting myself with activities, volunteer work and friends to get this burning want off my mind. I think left to my own devices long enough I would do it. I would go up to Audi or Volvo and make the deal. I’m highly impulsive and in so many ways I like that. Right now, that’s my way of taking risks. 

I believe I was born into a “rush” mentality because I respond well under fire. I like the pressure and want the rush all the time. Perhaps, buying this lovely piece of deteriorating metal I can fill the void of wanting to move some where drastic, buying a house, getting an arm full of tattoos, starting my own business, etc. Things I think about and then push aside because they seem “crazy”. 

Long story short, I’m going crazy here with all the things I CAN’T do. What on earth can I do? Tell me, because right now I’m going crazy.

Cinco de Mayo 2

This is the second, consecutive (because if it’s your second why wouldn’t it be right after the first) year we’ve celebrated Cinco de Mayo. It started with me getting Molly (my Mexican sweet-faced dog) and has now turned into a reason to drink, like most Americans with no Mexican roots. 

Last night, we ate delicious Mexican food, had several drinks and met up with old friends. What was most interesting about the night was the conversations. Between discussing newly purchases (secretly jealous) homes, boyfriends in LA, awkward conversations about sex and ladies from Amy, talking it up about Catholic priests and books with neighboring drinking old men, and finally rock operas we had a great time. Some more than others, but then again it was a Tuesday.

Lip Gloss

There are few reliable things in this world, but one you can always count on is lip gloss. No, that bubble gum song that made one sexy scene in “Nip Tuck” (the only episode I’ve seen, I swear), but the tacky, glossy, sometimes flossy stuff we ladies love to cake on our lips.

The guarantees of lip gloss:

1. Will always get stuck in you hair, then as you try to remove the cemented hair, it smears the “pale pink” shade all over face, leaving a fresh, tacky feeling all day long.
2. Will always save those delicious crumbs from ever falling away from your mouth. You can rest a sure, no calories will escape your mouth when wearing lip gloss.
3. When wearing lip gloss, you will (unknowingly, I’m sure) pout your lips out like Renée Zellweger. Perhaps that’s why she does that? No? 
4. It will, in some form, not only get in your hair but on your clothes, car seat belt, jackets, accessories, midnight strangers, cell phones and the like. Once this expensive, high-demand product gets on your things, you can always count on a thin, gunky layer or sticky pink to always be there.
5. Will always show up on the rim of all glasses, which is always helpful in showing you whose glass is whose and exactly where to put your lips with each drink. Another good thing about this is the rimming of lip gloss helps inform you when you’ve a) had too much wine or b) just not paying attention. More than one spot on the glass  = carelessness. Tisk, tisk ladies.

 

It’s funny now we can’t get enough of this stuff, but at least there are plenty of benefits to wearing it! That’s what I tell people when they see how much I paid for it, “hey, you wouldn’t believe what this stuff can do.”

I Swear, Dogs Are Worse Than Children

This morning Pippa was trying to tell me a secret; a secret about getting sick all over my house. First, I notice she threw up a little in Molly’s crate. This is normal with dogs as it is with children. Things go in and things come out both ways. I clean it up and move on with my morning. After my devotional, I walk into the thickest rank of a smell which was connected to a pill of non-processed dog food and poo so big that no dog Pippa’s size could manage.

Pippa’s poo has always been a topic of shear amazement. I’m not one for poo stories, but it never fails when someone is out walking with us they say “I’ve never see a dog so little poop as much as she does.” Much like a first time mother to a baby girl who is constantly compliment on her child’s “boyish charm”, I just smile and agree. Forget trying to remind them that she’s more a girl than a boy, it’s just the blue jumper and camo boots that give you that vibe. Never mind we call her “Billy” for sort of “Maryanne”.

My mother tells all the ladies she plays drinko bunco with about her unusual stool leavings. “It’s the size of a horse dropping, I swear,” she’ll yell as wine glass + bottle clank together in the background as mood music. Not that my mother is drunk, but we all know when the ladies in the neighborhood get together and are suppose to bring at least one bottle of wine good times are forth coming.

Back to the point: Pippa (my large poo shitting dog) got sick a multiple of three times today. Only one of them happened outside.

It’s funny how feeling sick and a whole bunch of poo brought she and I closer together today. Today my second dog and I bonded. I rubbed her belly, shoved Imodium and Pepto down her throat with a 7 mm syringe (parent’s note this) and let her run off her leash when we were outside.

It’s like when I was little and felt sick, my mom would dote on me making my illness seem like the only reason to love me that closely was for fear bad gas might kill her first born. I would often fake sickness to just come home and have some extra attention. Not to mention being home while I was suppose to be at school meant 5 hours of straight TV watching fun. I became quite the “Price is Right” expert.

In conclusion, no child chould do the nasty things I saw come out of Pippa today or Molly (that’s for another day). So, I think I’m ready for children and should just start adopting them. I got my dogs in Mexico, how hard could it be to get three boys and two girls across the boarder in an unmarked van?

Pressure Points

I’m not 100% sure God’s planned for me right now, but I feel like He’s communicating to me to hold on. For what reason, I’m not sure. Could I be getting laid off? Could I be asked to move? Could the perfect job, house, car, whatever come along and as for my attention? 

Those are all the things on my plate right now, so I don’t know what else it could be. I mean, it could be a million other things, but for some reason I feel like I’m waiting for something big. 

I get these daily work devotionals from a publication I’m not really a big fan of, but the one I recieve (lately) has been perfect placed each morning in my inbox. 

I could list about five to six things of issues, problems, irritants I have going on right now. People, school, work, dreams not happening right away, etc. has really got me bogged down. I’ve often wondered how much more I can really take. Then today I get a devo talking about how God knows the correct amount of discomfort, stress, irritation, pain I withstand before I break. He knows exactly the right amount of whatever I can take and that I need to be taking it to shape me into something better and stronger. 

I just hope I get to see why sooner than later.

Is THIS My Blog?

I feel like it’s been years since I wrote on here.

Lately, I’ve been working things out through chocolate, painted toes and mixed drinks rather than collectively writing things down. I don’t really know what my deal is right now, but I feel like if I don’t do something drastically different I’m going to go crazy.

I never thought I was one of those people. You know THOSE people who can’t sit still and have to always be doing something big? I’ve gone from “let’s buy a house today” to “let’s buy this car today” to “let’s cut all my hair off to do a white girl fro for a high fashioned look”. I feel restless. Why?

I’m going to school, kicking new ass at my job, paying off bills and finally getting some of my shit together. What on earth could I be restless about?

Is it because my soul is search for a better relationship with God?

At this point in my life you would think I would be happy, but I feel like I’m in the “in between”. Like I’m not moving forward and (thankfully) not moving behind. I keep reading scriptures that I need to be content and remember God is in control, which in so many ways I want to do.

I’ve always been propelled towards something else. If it wasn’t school it was work and not work, relationships. The movement kept going forward or backward that I felt like I was making life happen. Now that I’m just sitting here, it doesn’t feel right. I feel like I should be pondering my deepest part of my soul for hidden answers, but I have gone through all of my answers. There are not hidden truths or personal revelations to be made. So I continue to sit here in a…a still breath. Like I can’t breath because the air here doesn’t move.

I don’t know what to do with that; so, I do nothing.

Have I Been Ruined?

I can remember as far back as high school being dedicated to my routine. I had morning band practice, afternoon track practice, several committee meetings and church function. All the activities that I had I never missed nor do I remember it being hard to get up for them.

Then college happened. I slept a lot, skipped a lot and stopped caring a lot. Have I been ruined?

For the sixth time I’ve skipped class; the class that I signed up for in an effort to start making my dreams of becoming apart of the medical community via clinical come true. No one made me, and no one is paying for it besides me. I’m the one who will be directly effected if I fail and have to take it again.

I could blame a million things that make me NOT want to go, but I can think of ONE, stronger than a million other things why I should be there.

When did it get so hard? Does stress of job, life, etc. really make it that hard that television vegetation is the only way to find relaxation and escape? Some how I’ve messed up my priorities. Some how I have lost focus and accepted a lazy, sleep selfish way of doing things.

Something has got to change with me because I can’t keep going this way. Some how it’s all got to work out. Some how…

Bike Ride #1

So, this morning I thought I would ride my bike to work. I live about .5 miles (if that) from the office; however, I didn’t want to take direct roads, so I set off for a run/ride trail close by. After a few streets of forgetting where the entrance was I found it and realized I am NOT as in shape as I had thought I would be. Remember, I got the bike to ride from school to home (which is AT LEAST 2 miles on direct roads) so if I was working it AND sweating for a quick bike to work imagine what it would be like to ride to school. 

Anyways, once I got on the trail I expected it to be easy breezy because the trail was once a train track so it means a smooth, even track. But, no, no…not for me today. It was a slight up hill climb. So, once I got to work I realized the downhill slope that lead to the parking garage was much steeper than I expected. So, I jumped off and walked the bike to the garage. As I’m rounding the corner I see that our ENTIRE office is evacuating for a fire alarm and is directly facing me as I walk around. 

I’m not interested in going over to where they are standing because a) I’m hot, b) I’m kind of stinky and c) I don’t see anyone I know. So, I begin to fuddle with my lock only to realize that the key I THOUGHT went to my lock was not actually the right key. With that the alarm ends and everyone starts to go inside. Because the lock won’t work I will have to move the bike upstairs for the day. I wait and wait for everyone to get into the elevator until I know I’ll have room for just me and the bike. 

I finally get up to my office and hide the bike in an empty office. Today has been one interesting day already and I haven’t even had my coffee yet.