So, I asked the club I was wanting to have the event/fund raising thing for and they said no. 
Yeah, it does suck, but I understand. When you have a night club you have to have rules so that way things don’t get out of hand. They do fundraising but only to give directly to the foundation not an individual or group. I understand and am not mad at all. It’s a business.
Guess I’m on to plan number 2: hitting people up for money. Here I go…
So, recently I’m single, Nicole’s single and Amber’s single. Three girls that are suppose to meet up tonight to just be amongst friends. Plans were to go to local spot for $2 beers and live music, but due to Amber’s and Nicole’s ex-girlfriends we have to find another route. Knowing full well we were going to be there first, these sassy ladies decide to push out our little plan and make us planless. Jerks.
I don’t blame Nicole or Amber for not wanting to go and be in the presence of their ex-girlfriends. Although Amy and I did not break up as harshly as I think they did, it would still be hard. Well, it would be harder for she and I because we’re currently on “separational break”. As I was telling you several blogs ago, I met this woman on my plane to San Diego who said some amazing stuff that got me thinking, which revealed I actually do love Amy, but am not ready for commitment yet. With that, we’re taking a full month break from talking to each other so that way we can think emotion free how to move forward. Amy has to figure out if she wants to deal with my flippy-floppy self and I have to figure out if I’m ready to take the next step toward being truly committed to her. Well, not to say I wasn’t before, but took my falling in out of the relationship to be a sign to break up. If I move forward I plan on fighting past those moments for the relationship, her and my personal relationship growth. So, it would be hard to see Amy knowing I still have some time to go before I can do whatever with our relationship. Wow, that was a side note.
Back to issue: plans may be stopped because of rotten ex’s. Just not fair. What’s not fair is what breaking up does to our (meaning girls) self esteem. For some reason, many of us find ourselves out a relationship in the worst times of our personal lives. We’re either facing financial mountains, passionless jobs or crazy family. What you would think would encourage us and make us sink our teeth into fixing these problems does completely the opposite. I think that’s why I’m trying to stay busy. Some very wise woman (my mother) told me to keep moving after a break up: Don’t stop and don’t let yourself be alone unless you really need it. She’s right, you know. The moment you allow yourself to sit in your misery, aloneness or sad story you find yourself right where the devil (yeah, him) wants you. You start doubting your beauty, personality, health, mind and everything else lovely. You start down a path that cripples your spirit and next thing you know you’ve got quite a journey on your hands toward normalcy.
I think that’s where I am. Not because of Amy at all, but because I never really recovered from the blow Anna gave me. I’m continually fighting old habits that warp my confident identity and set me up for relationship failure. I blame some of my reasons I can’t get straight with Amy (oxymoron) from my relationship with Anna AND David. Yeah, let’s throw him in there. He’s the guy I thought I was going to marry. I thought he was it and waited (get this) four years for. FOUR FUCKING YEARS FOR. Yeah, and I didn’t even tell you we dated only one out of those four years. What the fuck, right? I know.
Fact is, our break ups have the powerful effect of breaking not only our hearts (natural) but our lives, too. Sometimes that warranted because the relationship was either great or highly emotional so it seems the world is ending for those reasons. Other times we just find ourselves responding to life as if we can’t go on when that person was a dick and needed to go. Girls…we’re all the same. Well, most of us anyway.
Nick, if you’re reading, I know you were in a relationship with a girl that made you feel this way. I think that’s why I like reading your blog. You’re completely honest and very much a guy. It’s refreshing to know I’m not the only one have to rebuild.
Anyways, I’m hoping I can pull Amber out tonight even if it’s a night in with a pizza and movie. We need to pull each other up because the worst thing we can do to our friends is let them go home, turn off the lights and never move on. I think i read some where that for every month you dated someone it takes two more to get over them? I think that’s right…either way, it speaks truth. It always takes longer to get over someone, but when you finally do and you did it in a healthy way it feels so good. Plus, you can know the next relationship will start out on the healthy foot versus the one that only moves backwards making you trip over yourself in front of someone new. Now, that’s fun.
You’ve out recipe-d my knowledge. I’m standing in line waiting to place my order when I see it. A new recipe I can’t even think how you would make. For those of you wondering why I care so much about Starbucks’ recipes for drinks is because I use to work there. In fact, I worked there all throughout college. I guess I secretly thought I could always fall back onto Starbucks if, God forbid, I lost my job suddenly or something. Now, I can’t walk in there and say it will take me two days to train versus their typical week. I knew it had to happen some time.
The true reason for this post is to get my brain in writing gear. I’ve got to write this morning for work and it always takes me a while to get into the groove of writing. I can’t force it otherwise it looks like this blog: not in order and making no sense.
I’m so tired. I kept thinking I would have caught up on sleep by now, but my late nights are only hurting the process. I can’t wait until Saturday morning when I can just sleep in.
Second truth to this blog: I’m not looking forward to this weekend. Typically I’m fighting for my weekends and nights off, but this weekend I’m realizing I don’t have much going on. For some one who just broke up with their girlfriend, it’s no fun to just sit at home. My greatest fear is I’ll get stuck on the couch watching hours of DVDs and playing on the Internet. Some times that’s great and just what I needed, but I’m afraid I’ll find myself there more often then I should be.
I’ve asked several of my friends to hang out this weekend and I was either blown off or told they would be out of town. Call for new friends, maybe?
Hmm…where do I find said “new friends”? Bar? No, no, no…not a good place to really meet people. Church? Well, maybe at my new church I could do that. Not sure how to get started, but we’ll see how that goes. I need to just join a book club and meet people that way. Now, where do I find an already existing book club of interesting, but not scary people? I really just need to get back into volunteering. It makes you feel so good about yourself and you HAVE TO meet people that way.
On the topic of friends, it hits me that I have not really found MY friends. That sounds horrible, but let me explain. MY friends means people I found outside of a relationship or friendship. I have several friends that I would call close friends, but it doesn’t always work out. For example: my good friends I’ve met through Amy. I love these girls, but now that we’re broken up there’s like this glass wall stopping us from meeting up right now. Eventually it will be different, but we all know how that goes.
Man, I really shouldn’t write unless I want to. Crap just seems to flow out with no real direction or purpose.
God, how is it we’ve wondered so far? Why do we wish to pull people down in order to tell them about forgiveness? What right do we have as individuals to tell each other painful things in order to make them see that they believe in a god?
Why are we so quick to diminish the behavior of those we don’t know in order to put them in a place we have no right to put them in. Why do we constantly insist we were given that right?
I fear the future for my children. Whether they’re raised in a same-sex house hold or as normal as any subdivision in hometown America, it’s going to be hard. They are going to constantly fight the opinions of other people. People who think of themselves as right and my children as wrong. For things within the law, I understand them to be wrong, but things outside of the law such as who they fall in love with, what they choose to believe in or what they choose to do in their lives is theirs.
It makes me sick to think I’m surrounded by people too obsessed with things changing to the wrong immoral because they’re incapable of seeing individuals as people you created. No, we’re not perfect. No, some of us make lousy lives out of the ones were given, but you created us. You made sure we were in this world just as we are. We’re here to face challenges, obstacles and come out fighting because you gave us the strength to do it. We’re ugly at the best of times and selfish in the majority of our days. We can’t do anything that doesn’t revolve around our thoughts, ideals, goals, plans and moods. Regardless of how completely broken we are without you and how completely backwards life has been since you left the Garden, you made us in this day, of this year to be where we are and who we because of it. I can not imagine where I would without you, but I can not imagine where I would be with just them.
Those who mock me for my differences. Those who choose to judge me first and refuse to love me second. It’s not until I’m praying for forgiveness that they come sailing in with hugs, praise and affirmation that you did indeed make me.
I’ve grown up in a church of religion and in the moments I thought I knew you the most you pulled out my safety net and let me fall. Fall so far from those rules and deception that if I’m perfect and do good things I will delivered from my sins-as if I earned them without Christ. You left me alone, bitterly alone. My friendships were like sand my heart like a hole. I felt abandoned by you. I felt completely alone because of you, but I never denied you.
Even now, as I type an angry, bitter, frustrated blog to you I do NOT deny your existence. Perhaps it’s too bold. Perhaps I will be seen crazy, but if I can not lie naked in my truth of who you are in my life then what do I have to offer to those who read anyways. This blog is not about stuff I think cool or interesting stories I found on my way to work, but rather the deep rooted knots of my life still left for me to figure out.
I do not want to live in a world that closes their eyes to their neighbor when they’re in need. I do not what to live in a world that tells you what you can or can not believe, think or feel because it’s not the majority.
My mom says if we do not stand for something, then how will they (meaning world) tell us apart from non-believers? I say I will stand for something. I will stand for equality and the right choose. The right to choose what you believe and love. I may not know enough to base my vote, pick out paint colors, feed the hungry or find the right career, but I know I’m going to try.
Simple truth is that I’m broken. The majority of us are. We fill our broken cracks with things, people and wealth to cover up the longing that will never be filled by anything on this earth.
I’m tempted to not post this blog. I’m tempted to put it aside as something between me and God, but like I said…this is about my deep roots, new beginnings and foudation. None of it’s perfect, lovely or always up beat. I would love to say I give a damn about what people really want to read, but then why would I have a personal blog in the first place. I left writing for an audience to my college degree.
How can people say that?
How can those words jump off the tongue of people who know Jesus personally?
How can one person think he/she has the ordained right to condemn someones soul to damnation?
Who are you to think you were given that right? I most certainly know I wasn’t.
There are a lot of shity people in this world that I would hope bad things happen to, but I’m not about to condemn their soul to hell. That’s not up to me.
I’m responding out of anger here, and for that I apologize. I just can’t sit here and feel it anymore.
I’ve decided to watch the “L Word” to help me balance between my straight and gay life. I’ve really suck at maintaining a balance between straight/gay friends, life styles and activities. As I’m watching this TV show there’s a few episodes that strike close to home.
What kills me the most is that the majority of people DO NOT believe in Jesus Christ. Yeah, the majority of people choose faith in something else or not at all. Of course, as a believer in Jesus I want people to know Him and His never ending, never bashing, never hating love. BUT, it is in their God-given right to not choose Him. All I can do is love, show why I believe and allow them to choose. I CAN NOT SAVE THEIR SOUL.
No matter what certain high religious Christians think, you can not save a person’s soul. You can think you have, but unless you were in their heart, witnessing their moment with Jesus from heaven, I’m sorry you can not. So stop telling people where their soul is going.
God, I hope you give me more opportunities to tell some Christians with this point of view what you’re love is really like, so that way they can stop condemning and start loving. What were the greatest commandments? Hmm? Love thy neighbor and the Lord your God? Were those not the two things Jesus kept repeating in all His sermons?
FUCK! Yeah, so you think I shouldn’t cuss and talk about Jesus all in the same breath and I agree. My only issue is I like cussing and Jesus doesn’t want me to be fake. Until I clean up my act I will not cuss towards Him ever, but will cuss. Get over it.
I have no idea if I’m going to end up with a woman for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think I will and if I do, I want to move where only the gay bubble exists. I know that’s no way to live, but rose colored glasses can’t make you cry and wish life were different. I don’t know…I guess this is more of a venting blog. It has some substance and some rambling. Most of all: don’t condemn. Jesus is the only one who can.
So, let me fill you all in on my progress towards raising money for my 3Day Susan G. Komen adventure.
After speaking with my career councilor, I was totally energized to make it happen. I kept going to this bar hoping that the right opportunity would fall into my lap and each time it didn’t work out. I would ask, be put on some list and eventually forgotten by the big cats. This last time I was there i struck gold! Solid, “here’s the person to contact” gold.
I just emailed my golden contact and was informed that they will be meeting tomorrow to plan events for this club. I will know by Thursday if they’re interested or not! Prayers said, fingers crossed, dreams sent out that THIS goes well and I get it!
Friday night was my last time to really see San Diego one more time. I had worked all week and barely got enough time to sleep let a lone see more of San Diego. On Friday night there was nothing stopping me from going out. I had a few ideas in mind: Ocean Beach or Downtown or San Diego’s PRIDE.
Earlier that morning, I had been getting my coffee from this guy for the past week. He mentioned to me this place called Winstons in OB that was a comedy club his friends worked at. He gave me some directions and his number if I wanted to meet them up. Now, up until that point I had been blessed with some very reliable/trustworthy people and this guy seemed alright. So, I put the idea in my pocket and went to work.
Later I spoke with Bridgida and she mentioned OB, too. At that point I was sold. At least I would have known someone and got to experience another place in San Diego. She told me about South Beach Bar and Grill and how they have the best fish tacos in all of San Diego. So, I got a cab and for the first time in my whole life at alone at the bar. It was a weird feeling. I know people do it, and when you’re traveling there’s not much choice, but I would perfer to at least have someone to talk to. Hell, when I was there I would have loved for these older guys talking next to me just to include me in their conversation a little. One of them asked me to watch their drink and I got all excited thinking I could someone how segway into a conversation with them, but no such luck. Any luck, the tacos were amazing. The fish was so good, I could have eaten just that.
I like OB. From what I understand OB is the last remaining spot of true San Diego. A hippi town built on small businesses and a lot of weed. It was great.
After South Beach B&G, I wondered down to Winstons to meet up with Andrew (the guy at my hotel). He was so high it wasn’t even funny, but he was a lot of fun. The comedy was okay, but it was cool to see some of these guys brave it all on small topics like drinking, guys stuff and girls. Plus, I didn’t really have to pay for anything. After some really good tequila and an offer to smoke out (which I turned down), Bridgida showed up. I love this girl-so much fun and plenty to talk about with. As we’re talking and I’m really enjoying my tequila buzz the club is slowly morphing into a reggae club. The group that was to go on stage was called “Vegitation“. They were all decked out in dreadlocks, beards and one in a hand made skirt. They’re skit featured set design with plants…lots of plants. We didn’t stay for their show, but did get to hear their opening act. I don’t remember his name, but he was a cross between Ben Harper and Ray LaMontagne only with dreads. He was really good.
After he was done, we called it a night. Bridgida showed me around Hillcrest (their gayborhood). They had so much going on because of PRIDE that weekend. Part of me was sad I didn’t get to experience any PRIDE with San Diego. It would have been awesome to see couples who were legally wed and what not. The PRIDE of it all would have been at an all time high. But, it worked out because it appeared to be predominately a boys town and they didn’t have much going on Friday.
I have to say going to OB and hanging out with Bridgida was an excellent way to say “goodbye” to San Diego. I love that city and need to plan a vacation soon! Next time I’m there, I hope it’s for holiday, NOT for business.
Alright, now time to write about my trip. I’ve been working slaving through the week getting less than six hours away from the office. It is beautiful here, though.
Sunday:
She was in her sixties, from Finland, a traveling nurse and going to San Diego to pet sit for her brother. We talked about books (she suggested the book Anatomy of the Spirit by Carolyn Myss that I will be reading later), pets, careers, my vertigo problem and life in general. One thing she said (among the many good things I wish I would have written down) as resonated with me since then. She said, “When you find yourself wanting to run away you have to turn around and face it. Once you face it, that part of fear/worry/doubt/whatever won’t travel with you. When you run away you take that weakness with you and it stays with you until you deal with it.”I paraphrased a little there, but I that idea/theory hadn’t stuck with me until her. I started thinking about all the things I’ve ran away from and how if I had turned and faced them I may not be working through those issues still. (Side Note: I had a defining moment while I was on this trip and it was the reason I am running away from my relationship with Amy was because I’m in love with her. This is a topic for another blog, but talk about a new discovery.)
Another thing she said was, “You have to be truly honest with yourself. If you can be honest with yourself and exist in that honesty, you’ll begin to notice your body responding.” Her opinion was because the body and mind are not absent of each other, one reacts to the other. I’m sure there’s more I could go into on that one, but for now I like that quote of being honest with yourself. I’ve started to be 100% honest with myself and stop NOT facing things. Nice, huh?
What was more amazing was that I didn’t have vertigo at any time on the plane. Though I was next to the window, by back basically faced it the whole time. I was sort of riding limo style with my head. It did hurt a little, but no vertigo! Good times #1.
While I’m waiting in line for the ferry, I get sandwiched between to bicycle groups. They start talking about Electra bikes (which, I’ve researched them and want a cruiser), so I chime up. “Did you say you worked for Electra?” We exchanged a few words and I thought that was it. Little did I know these would soon become my beach day friends.
We biked up to the Corinado hotel, had a few drinks, then lounged on the nicest sand I’ve experienced in the US. Mexico was better, but HELLO…it’s Mexico. Once we packed it up, I realized I was fighting the sun going down more than anything. Since I walked and took the trolley from my hotel, I had a while to go and didn’t want to do it in the dark.
By the time we got back to the peer, we were exhausted. My skin was burnt (from the walk and the biking), my hair was plastered to my head and my body was tired. My ass hurt so much the next day from that 20 minute bike ride.
Once we got back in San Diego, we exchanged numbers for a possible meet up mid-week and I was on my way. It felt so good knowing my way around downtown and on the trolley. I didn’t fear getting lost at all! That’s first for me; I’m always lost.
Isn’t that an amazing way to start my first visit to California?! I was so happy that all happened and that I got to do so much. Thanks God!
To view random pictures see: San Diego
So, I have so much to write about for my San Diego trip. I’m still on it, but this is the first time I’ve actually been able to sit down on the Internet and type a few lines. Believe it or not, my room does NOT come with complimentary Internet. Filthy buggers.
You should look on Twitter to see my journey on my first couple of days. I have random images on there, too.
More to come soon!
Rebuttal Steve: you’re so right. I’m trying to remember I’m not a cat. I tell myself “you’re no cat, you’re no cat.”
Tonight was my first party without Amy.
It was a group of friends she knew through me. We always went together to these parties. We were the good party couple. We could mingle like no one’s business. She would meet people and I would meet people. By the middle of the night we would end up back together with five new couple friends. In fact, we stayed in contact with several of those couple friends well past our party adventure with them.
It was weird not having her there.
Some knew and some didn’t know about our break up. I’m sure me having to talk about it made it that much worse, but it was sad none the less. It felt like part of me was missing or that I wasn’t as interesting without her. The conversations were totally on my shoulders to maintain. For Example: It’s like you walk into a room of mostly strangers. At first you would think, “Wow, I have to make my rounds and hopefully find people to talk to rather than stand by the cheese plate alone.” But then, you realize you didn’t come alone and if you find yourself grazing alone you can always search for your other half and chat it up with the people they’re talking to. Never alone, never looking like you’re of no interest.
Hell, I remember the Christmas party we went to and what fun that was. Seriously. We were outside the majority of the night, huddled around those heating lamps drinking wine and laughing until we cried with complete strangers. We made some great friends at that party.
Amy and I liked to think we were the party people you wanted at your gatherings. We would make sure no one around us was bored, not talking or alone.
Tonight…well, I spoke to only those I knew and were some times alone. I tried to play it off with the whole “I’m looking at the pictures in your house, so it seems I’m choosing to be alone and am okay standing in your living room full of people with no one to talk to.”
I guess there are always baby steps, right? Mine are just making sure I stay out of the house and active. I know she’s at a party tonight, too. Wonder if she feels the same way? I hope not. I hope she didn’t even think about it.
