After Thoughts

Hours ago I met with my Career Councilor (CC) at this local restaurant in town. First, let me comment on  the gorgeous scenery that sat around us. All these chiseled men in sharp suits with perfect smiles…just lovely. Then there were these “I do nothing but spend my husband’s money” type of women. These I could have done with out (I think secretly I was jealous of their schedule and spending abilities.) Hot men aside, the meeting was great.

We were able to come up with some skills to be bartered and I start my first career session tomorrow! Yeah! I can’t wait to have that “Ah Ha” moment where everything becomes clearer and I find my passion in the form of a paying job. Yes!

Another thought: gay parents. Before you start emailing me hate letters or commenting mean things, I’m not saying it’s bad. If you disagree, then please keep your comments to yourself. Not that I’m not interested, but I’m tired of being told what’s right and wrong in the standards of people I don’t know. Well, for that matter people I do know, too.

What got me started was this past Memorial Day weekend of drinking with friend’s friends who just had a baby six weeks ago. Yes, they were a lesbian couple and so happy to have their pride of joy finally in their lives. Because I’m too deep for my own good, thoughts about “could I do that” and “am I ready” began to flood my mind. Currently my lady is more man than lady, so IF we were serious (which we’re not) I would be the one to have the baby. That’s okay because I want tons of children. I don’t want to have them all, but I want at least four children. I do plan on adopting gay or straight.

But, today I started reading some fabulous blogs on Lesbians with babies. There’s something that I PERSONALLY struggle with in my OWN life about that. Not that I don’t think it is a possibility for me, but just the logistics of it all. I have this old mindset passed down from my parents, from their parents and so on that I just doesn’t know how to feel.

I’m so happy that California is allowing same-sex marriage because I’m a person of equal opportunities and fairness. (Side note: I’m a far right Democrat or far left conservative that believes in God, equal rights, freedom of choice and forgiveness.) So, don’t interpret this blog to be about being against it, but just another blog on my personal understanding of this path I’m on.

I guess my pain in life is that I could be with a man or a woman, so I see life a little bit differently. I could be with a man and just go about normally as I thought I would my whole life or I could be with a woman and start talking sperm banks and what not. Oh, that really creeps ME out just because I’ve never know experienced it in my life.

I don’t know my future and I could marry a man or “marry” a woman, but right now I don’t know if I could be a “Mommy 2″. I guess that’s why I’m not married or in love. I’m no were near ready. No where near ready.

I tell you what, when I do have children I’m going to be a whole lot more understanding of their life choices because of this. Wish my parents would be of mine, but that’s a whole other story.

Coffee…Dark and Good

There’s something to be said about the smell of a good cup of coffee right before you drink it. I like to savor these little moments because for just a second I’m out of the office, sitting on a patio of my favorite cafe, with casual clothes on thinking only about that next sip. Ah, damn…reality and I’m at my desk spilling it all over my self. Damn.

Well, on to better news than my coffee stained top, I have a meeting today with my career councilor to talk about what I can barter with for her time on helping me achieve the inner job-chi (is that even spelled right?). Bartering…I don’t know if I’m really that good at it, but I’m going to give it a go. Something, ANYTHING has to be better than where I am right now.

God and I talked it over the other day and I’ve come to peace with the fact that THIS job is just a temporary fill for what’s to come. In other words, I’ll keep making money while I try to figure it out before I leave. Yes, good plan. Well, except for the fact that it’s overly annoying to be here and I actually feel claustrophobic around 5:00 p.m…

Sorry, I just was interrupted with work. Gesh, the nerve. (Totally kidding because I DO realize I still have to work here regardless how I feel.)

Like I was telling my girlfriend a couple of weekends ago, I want to have my own schedule and not feel like I have to work for the man. I think for the first time in a long time I really don’t like the man. I thought I would love the corporate life, but seriously it sucks. I’m over it and am ready for steady, ready fun in the small business, but still kick your ass in work kind. Yeah, that’s what I’m ready for.

I’m hoping that my lunch meeting with Career Councilor is going to open my eyes a little more the mystery that is my career life. I’m so ready to quit the job I’m in and start working from scratch on my friend’s photography business. Check it out…it’s amazing. Oh, but I have to warn you the website is under maintenance, so the blog isn’t there but her portfolio is and she’s kick ass.

Monday Off

I have done nothing. Nothing! Today has been a day of complete nothingness.

I’ve ate nothing good for me, laid on the couch and watched “That 70’s Show” all day. Five minutes ago I just finished chocolate chip pancakes. These pancakes were not that good either. Dark, not in a circular shape, but the melted milk chocolate cooked right in them made it rather hard to not eat two. Yeah, I really didn’t care today.

I have watched a lot of TV, though. Like Pizza Hut’s new pasta commercials? Suck. If I have to hear one more person seem overly excited about pasta delivery through Pizza Hut, I might change the channel. Yep, it’s been a day of pure bliss. Makes me kind of look forward to going to the dead-end job I have tomorrow. Ahh…good times.

Zen Habits

“Find your passion, and pursue it doggedly. Don’t settle for a job that pays the bills. Life is too short to waste on a job you hate.”

Thank You Zen Habits

Ramdom Career Thoughts

So, I’ve determined I can’t afford the career counsiling I thought would catapult me forward to my dream job. Very sad. Due to that, I have now began trying to give free career advice to myself.

How’s it going?

Horribly. It would be one thing if I even knew enough about all the careers, but I’m borderline only knowing about picking the passionless jobs. So, if you need advice in that category, email me.

Good News: On the way to work this morning my brain started turning. Actually, it started turning around six this morning when I hit the gym (yeah, that’s right). I start thinking about the show on Bravo called “Workout” and how I’m mesmerized by those hot bodies and always dramatic stories. I find myself watching this show and wanting to fix their problems. I think things like, “that’s not how I would settle that argument” or “I wish they would have handled that client differently.” I believe my desire to fix people’s problems and be the emotional Shepard for some plays into me really liking this show. Well, not to mention they’re mostly a group of lesbians and I just feel more at home.

Anyways…I start realizing that I have a true desire to help people. I LOVE mentoring, guiding people into finding things that make them happy. I love making people smile and have a good time. In my last job I had the opportunity to do that and I guess I didn’t even realize it. Now, I’m finding that gift less desirable in my current job by my coworkers. Hmm…

Well, I also went on thinking about what being a “trainer” really means. How would you get into that job? What skills do you have to offer besides the hot bod and 24/7 fitness plan? I start thinking how I could be a trainer because I’m so religious. Yes, I said religious, but don’t take that in terms of “faith” but, rather, a term for dedication. In my currently life I’m flaling about like a baby bird who doesn’t know they have wings, but in terms of actually working out I can give myself to it fully. I have this great desire to be competitive and active, but the hard part is getting started. I could be a trainer. Once I started the program I would kick ass while loosing my own (double plus). I naturally could be in this potision and make it happen. That’s when I start going, “if I’m naturally good at it, should I do it?”

I know that naturally given gifts are the best ones to use. Those that happen easily and, often, with joy are the gifts we should be using every day. So, with that what do I do with mine?

I would write a giant (yeah, I’m boasting, but also telling a fib) list of natural gifts, but the truth is I don’t have time this morning. What I will say is I’m thinking about what possibilities are out there for me in pursuing a career toward “fixing people’s problems emtionally and socially”.

Any suggestions?

I’m a bit scared it may involve school.

Booze, Booze, Booze

Oh my goodness! I’ve drank all weekend! I don’t normally booze it up several days in a row, but this weekend was the exception.

I’m need a alcohol break. I’m bloated, slightly ill and a so thirsty. The weekend was fun, though. Catching up with friends, finding new ones…good times.

I think what was a personal milestone for me this weekend was meeting with college mates that I didn’t run around with in college. Since I went to a small, Christian university it was easy to know who everyone was. Out of school, names have faded along with their faces. Last night I had the pleasure of being invited to a party for one such mate that I had several things in common with, but didn’t really have a friendship with in school. We were the same major, in the same classes and always doing the same campus activities. He was far more socially active than me and I also ran with a different crowd. About a month ago I saw him in my part of town and we had lunch to catch up. Such a treat.

What’s more funny is that we didn’t know about each other being gay. When I first saw him I wasn’t sure if we wanted me to see him. Because of our old-school Christian college not many people were out. It was always a hush-hush sort of deal because of the serious opinions of others in that community. Once we exchanged phone numbers I didn’t think we would connect again because we weren’t really close in school. Well, slap me twice, I think I’ve found a great new friend!

Last night was such an awesome moment for me to meet people I knew within that school that didn’t know about my Bi side and to just exist among the group that I thought would crucify my had they known. Now, there were SEVERAL other gay couples, so I was in no way the minority. I was just concerned with that initial hangout moment with college mates. All was well. I had such a great time and Amy and I stayed closing down the bar. Like I said, good times.

Now, if I can just cure this hangover…

AAAAAAHHHHHH!

I’m driving back to the office from yoga and whose car drives in front of mine???? My ex! Yes.

My, “don’t call me ever again”, “you’re stalking me” ex. Yes.

This was my first girlfriend and the most emotional relationship I’ve ever had up to this point. It was aweful! Her last words to me as I asked her to never call me again was, “fuck you”. Well, say what you want but get the hell out of my city!

I know. I share a city with several hundred thousand people, but why does she have to pick MY town? Can’t she go some where else? She never even wanted to move here until she met me! Well, fuck you, Anna. That’s right. I said it. Get out, get out, get out!

The good news is she didn’t see me at all. Thank God! Oh, I was so shocked when I saw her that I said God’s name in vain. I never do that. I’ll cuse but not say His name in vain. Sorry God.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I can’t believe I just saw her! I sure hope she was here for lunch and DOES NOT live here. I kind of want to cry. Gesh…

Music

All I want to do is blast my iPod all over the office. I’m sailing to some smooth tunes and have to keep them to a low volume for the sake of my coworkers. Reason number one million and such that I need to go into business for myself. I can pick the music I listen to and listen to it loud.

I’m the sort that loves music loud and thumping. I want to feel the beat and let it guide my heart’s rhythm. I love being in the car, turning up the volume really loud and just feeling it. That’s what makes concerts great. I only like concerts at small venues like House of Blues or local stages where you’re surrounded with music. Have you ever seen Joss Stone in concert? Oh my gosh she’s amazing.

Concerts are always different renditions to your favorite songs and normally I don’t like that, but man she can do what ever she wants to her songs and I’ll gladly sway along. (Did that make sense?) The last time I saw her she was traveling with Ryan Shaw and talk about a amazing voice. So smooth that it seems physically impossible to be that loud, that strong and that smooth without hurting yourself. Man, they were good together!

How about Tegan and Sara? Saw them in a similar venue and they were absolutely amazing! Their voices are a different variety than that of Joss or Ryan, but the chorus and beat are infectious. The had Northern Stateopen for them and it was a rocking, girl power night. Don’t get me wrong they were really good and I was very, very impressed with their music and flow abilities, but I was a little over girl-power that night. I guess it was also because I was surrounded by nothing but girls and girls with girls and girls. Not so bad if you’re looking for the right opportunity to mac down on some ladies, but I was just wanting Tegan and Sara. Have you heard that song “So Jealous“? It wasn’t my first favorite of theirs but this ones beat I can’t escape. No lie.

Another small venue band I heard was Jimmy Eat World. Now these guys have had my heart for many, many years. I’ve never seen them in concert but have been jumping around to their music ever since high school. I’m a fan of their “Bleed American” album. This concert was amazing! It was so small and there were so many of us that we were jumping and dancing in a huge cluster of Jimmy Eat World fans (so about abbreviate that one, but not sure it’s appropriate?). Awesome. If we could have had lighters for songs like “Hear You Me” and “Drugs or Me” we would have. Maria Taylor opened for them and at first I didn’t know who she was until she sang my favorite “Clean Get Away“. This song was also featured on “Grey’s Anatomy“.

What’s funny is I’ve been to several concerts, but I’m not a big fan. I love the smaller venues, but I hardly put the money down for one unless my friends push me to. I do the same with traveling. Lame, I know. My idea of a concert is spending a cool evening in a backyard, chilling in a char with a good breeze with Joss Stone singing to a group of my friends. Yeah, so until that happens, I’ll do what I can to experience that “music all around you” thing.

Stall Talkers

My working environment seems to be full of Bathroom Talkers. Yes, these people that seem to be able to carry on full conversations with coworkers having no disregard for privacy. I mean, it makes uncomfortable for someone I don’t know to share a conversation with me as I pee.

What’s more strange is that more people in my office feel it’s okay to walk in and talk on their cell phone. It’s either one or two kinds of people that do this. One, the person trying to go to a “private” place, but doesn’t realize that the ceilings are high and the tile bounces their voice like a kickball of a fourth grader’s face. Two, the person who doesn’t care who’s on the other line, but needs to pee anyways and won’t hang up.

I wonder about number one (pun intended) because though they whisper, everyone outside the bathroom door can still hear them. On top of that I feel like I should advert my ears to another sound as to not listen.

Number two (again, pun intended) just irrigates me. I almost feel like I should have you and the person on the other line sign a privacy document of some sort for hearing me pee. I can’t imagine talking to someone and them hearing me pee in the background and then flush. What if you heard this and realized they didn’t wash their hands?

I know this happens to people all the time. I just didn’t think this would happen to me at least once a week, every week since I’ve been working here. It’s really odd. Even when you go to more public places the bathroom never seems to work like this one.

Yet, another reason why this company is a bit weird.

I’m A Girl, Promise

Okay, I’m tired of this “I don’t care what I look like” thing I’ve got going on. I haven’t cared what I look like for so long that I’m beginning to wonder do I even look feminine anymore.

I wear basic jewelery, am lucky to get out the door with makeup and seem to still sport the same half-up, half-down hair do that I must just fade into the background.

Although I’m broke with no real hopes of upping my closet volume, I need to get things back together. This is crazy! I haven’t cared less about myself since my sophomore year of college!

I’m just tired of not feeling confident when I meet people for the first time. My outfits have no clear direction and purpose other than to cover. I want the joy of getting dressed for the day back. I want to look put together regardless of the day, who I’m with or where I’m going. I use to have it together and always flossy in some way. Man, what happened?