Last night, I didn’t eat supper or watch TV, but went straight to bed. At 6 p.m. I’m lying in bed trying to fall asleep. I needed to be rested when I woke up this morning. To be focused for the first time in weeks when I walked into work. Thinking sleeping would also be the best way to deal with what thoughts my brain was full of was a mistake on my part.

I played CD after CD trying to grasp these feelings within me and somehow better categorize them into compartments I would then be able to handle them in. Step by step, right? For the next three hours I lay there not tired and not doing anything but thinking about people, situations, things I’ve said and where I was going. The question that kept repeating over and over was “where am I wanting to go?”

Ha! Wouldn’t that be fantastic to answer that? Could I be a blooming artist that places the focus of her life into paint and dramatic compositions? Could I be a fabulous jack-of-all-trades that is only great a one thing, but pretends to be great at all? Could I throw away all that I know and take a new, exciting path only made for me and no one else?

That would be fabulous to have a change like that, but then what do I do with those people I keep in the back of my brain? My parents? My closest friends? This path you wouldn’t be able to come with me on. You would have to leave at the door and go one your own. BUT could I do that? Could I walk away from my parents being in my head? Perhaps that’s what I need, but by chance how does one do that when they’ve been in there for the past 23 years? What about those friendships that I feel I must do everything for? Do I leave you at the door and hope to make new friends?

I know if you’re reading this and you don’t know the full story then I’m not making any sense. Sorry. Recently, I’ve been seeking perfection in my life and also pleasing those around me. Life path changes have developed recently I’ve not been able to choose because I’m lost within myself. Past regrets and “shouldawouldachoulda’s” always plague my mind. The funny thing is that this fabulous sleep I’ve been needing has also been infiltrated with these overwhelming thoughts. I dream about work, money issues, people in my life and choices I must make revolving around all of the above.

I love quotes and all too often quotes or music lyrics are how I choose to express myself. Here’s the best one I’ve found thus far that details how I feel, “No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.” - Henry Adams

The problem I have is that I often speak everything I feel. Yesterday, I told my best friend how I felt and it was cold. I offered how I felt regardless how she felt and now I feel like such an idiot. To my BF, I know you’ll read this soon and perhaps wonder what’s going on, but I had to tell you the truth and obvious (or not so obvious) fact of the matter, because I couldn’t play this game anymore. It’s not easy being there for you when my heart is so easily wrapped into your situation. I want you to fix whatever you have to do, but I can’t go with you. It’s not fair for both of us. I really wish we could stand in the middle together and help each other get through all this junk, but that would foolish on both our parts. You know? If you decide to leave your relationship and pursue your own path, know I’m there. I’ll support you and try my best to help you, but I can’t carry you like I want to. I hope you’re thinking the same for me. If you decide to stay in your relationship, then know I’ll also support you with everything in me. You know how I said it’s a loose-loose? Got it. It will work out. You’ll see. Promise.