There are some times you have to seperate yourself from reality and take a very real, sometimes teary moment of the truth. The naked, “it hurts to deal with” truth.

My truth…

I’m a twenty something, Christian, bi, running from parts that are too hard, alone in mind, selfish, bored, completely afraid of the future, never in the moment, organized, wish my past would erase it’s self, broken individual. My parents don’t like my life. My family isn’t the best. I love them all, but they tare me down, put me in a corner, expect more, wear me out.

My current relationship is rocky. I’m not sure who I’m becoming. I’m broke with a desire for a huge budget. I want to finally have something of my own. I’m easily distracted from finding/making goals because I’m 100% afraid to realize I can’t get there. Constantly wondering what I was created for. I started as this outgoing, totally happy, bright-sided person and have not turned into a scared, unsure, perfectionist of a person with no real dreams.

I’m afraid to stay alone when I sleep. I hate sharing a bed, but don’t like it when she goes. I hide who am when I see my parents. I pretend like I’ll change one day. I don’t want to. I want to get married, but not now. I want to know that people aren’t all about sex, drugs, wealth and status. I want to go back to the days when you were courted first.

I’m tired of being my size. I’m ready to go back to thy gym. I want to go out to the lake and shout at the top of my lounges. I wish I could have been a doctor. I go to bed to run from not being able to figure it out. I watch too much TV to give myself the opportunity to NOT think. Hate my small space. Afraid to be 100% me. Still trying to impress those around me. I’m such a fake.

I’m loosing the core of who I am. I can’t seem to understand what “strength” really means. I’m burnt out on everything. I wish my parents would just let me live my life. I wish I didn’t worry what they thought.

I wish God would open my eyes. I wish I didn’t have to hit the bottom first. I wish I wasn’t so complex.