I Just Fell In Love

This song, I found magically, just spoke to me. It’s sang by two of my most favorite folk/indy artists: Rachel Yamagata and Ray LaMontagne. 

“Duet”

Oh Lover, hold on 
’till i come back again 
for these arms are growin’ tired, 
and my tales are wearing thin 

if you’re patient I will surprise, 
when you wake up i’ll have come 

All the angerwill settle down 
and we’ll go do all the things we should have done 

yes i remember what we said 
as we lay down to bed 
i’ll be here if you will only come back home 

oh lover, i’m lost 
because the road i’ve chosen beckens me away 

oh lover, don’t you rome 
now i’m fighting words i never thought i’d say 

but i remember what we said 
as we lay down to bed 
i’ll forgive you oh 
if you just come back home 

hmmm mmmm 
hmmmm mmmm 

Oh lover, I’m old 
you’ll be out there and be thinking just of me 

and i will find you down the road 
and will return back home to where we’re meant to be 

’cause i remember what we said 
as we lay down to bed 
we’ll be back soon as we make history. 

Crap, Crap, Crap

This has been the week of suck. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this consistently blue is such a long time. I’ve had bad days and even a few in a row, but this has been one the shittiest weeks yet. 

I’m tired, emotional, worried, anxious about EVERYTHING, fearful about ANYTHING and actually thinking that it would be better to just put myself in a dark room that no one knew where I was. Okay, that was a small thought the other day, but in all reality I’m just having a shitty week. 

I need to see my therapist soon, that’s for sure.

I think what I need is a sabbatical from every responsibility I could ever have. I think I would be great at being one of those people who just pops a med that makes them all calm and chilled. I totally understand the people (a.k.a. my brother) who stay perpetually high. I would be half tempted if my company didn’t drug test and if it didn’t make me sick.

Also, I think it’s high time these emotions go read a book or something. I wish I could check them out to someone else and I could just be “happy go lucky”. The worst part is I’m allowing satan to still my joy.

…

What the hell am I doing? I can’t talk about God or satan or hell or heaven without getting sick to my stomach. What’s wrong with me? I refuse to believe that there is no God or that we just exist absent of His presence. I refuse to believe that I’m never worth saving or that I’m never worth His time. What the hell is wrong with me?! I seriously can’t think about anything “church” or “god” without wanting to kind of die. I want to flee from Him for some reason. Like I can out run Him or hide from Him. Why? 

I absolutely refuse to be one of those Christians where all I do is spend my time in a church or in Bible study. I refuse to turn my back on the world and pretend it’s perfect in my little Bible bubble. No. 

I so need to go back to church, my therapist and back to my joy. You can have joy absent of happiness. 

Some how I think I secretly like this misery. Not really sure why, but I seem to not allow myself to pull out of it. I’ll be the office (as I am right now) typing away on Twitter or this blog when someone will walk by and start talking to me. Nothing work related, but just shooting the breeze. Ah…here would be my opportunity to take a break from ME and focus on someone else. I could, possibly, be pulled out of this funk, but no, no…I keep it short and turn around to nothing but a blank screen. Damn you emotions and crap.

Is It Really Wednesday?

I’m so exhausted! For some reason I can not get enough sleep. No matter how much I sleep, I wake up more sleepy and more exhausted as the day goes on. 

So, good news: I think my roommate and I have found our apartment. I won’t know for 100% until later today, but for right now we’ve found the best deal amongst them all. 

It’s an older building that’s been renovated and sold as individual condos. The person we’re leasing ours from hasn’t occupied it in a while so we’ll be the first people to live in it. I’m so excited because it’s centrally located around everything. Plus, it’s in this transitioning neighborhood, so by the time our lease is good and in it the area will be booming. I want to sign for two years. Even if Kristin and I don’t work out as roommates I want to keep it, so I’m signing for two. Plus, two years goes by really fast. 

The only downer to it is because it’s being leased by an owner versus a complex we’ll have to pay for everything up front, which means I have to borrow from the parents. NOT HAPPY ABOUT THAT. I have to keep reminding myself I’m just borrowing. This is not me owing them anything but money. Basically, what’s going to happen is they’ll lend me the money and just keep any Christmas and birthday money that comes to me. I’m okay with that. After all, in about two months I’ll be paying $200 less than what I pay in rent now. I’m okay with that. 

Guys, I’m so unmotivated here. I have all these things I should be jumping out there for, but can’t seem to figure out how to go about it. For example: there is a job at this hospital that I really, really want to work at. It’s currently right where I am in my career. The only problem is it puts me in the same area I don’t want to be in: Marketing/PR. The more I talk to people the more I hear that’s how I’m going to have to get in. With no healthcare experience I will have to jump in the way I know how. 

I’m meeting with the nursing school soon to see if that’s going to happen soon. 

I think I’m just so tired that I’ve burnt out on moving forward. For some reason, it’s like I’m paralyzed by fear. I’ve been clinging to Amy for dear life lately because I kind of feel like I’m’ drowning here. She’s such a great person that it’s so easy for me to let her pick me up than it is to pick myself up. I’m so lame right now. 

What happened here? I was totally energized and my own person, then WHAM I’m this baby of a girl who can’t do anything but sleep. 

Good news is in one week I will be experiencing my 3Day journey. I’m sure the walking and being around people will help pull me back out. Plus, I’m going back to my therapist finally!

Not Married

God, I’m so angry. Why do people have to care about my single life? Not my life, but my “single” part? I’m so tired of people asking “who are you dating” or “You’re so beautiful I can understand how you’re not seeing anyone”. It’s so nerving and offensive. I’m also angry that people are actually shocked I’m not married now. That often angers me the most. 

When my dad said at my last dinner with him that he’s worried I’ll never marry and have kids made me so mad. I was so made that he followed with “your career will never matter to God, but your relationship with your children and spouse will.” I can’t even believe he said that. I know why he said that, but I’m just so angry that people don’t understand that just because I’m 24 and NOT married doesn’t mean my life is over. Who cares if I’m 27 and not married? Who cares if I’m 37 and not married? I know I don’t, so why do other people have to care?

God, it is so irritating to me when people, who are happy in their own relationship, can’t just be happy in your life. I want to get to a point where I don’t care if they’re happy with me or not. I know, I know…I really need to go back to my terapist, but it’s just so crazy right now. I know I should be tithing right now, too, but excusses are my best friends right now. i’ve got nothing but “not wanting to”. 

I am trying to live here, not move away from my family and yet some how still escape their questions and unhappiness towards me about MY choices. 

I keep having dreams where I’m at my parent’s house and under their rule. In every dream they’re telling me what to do and I’m trying to get away, but I can’t. It’s like they control my house, my will, my plans. The craziest part is when I actually think about the words my parents use they never say “You have to do it this way.” They always have something I should do instead, though. 

Ughhhh, I’m just tired of having to have my wall up. I’m tired of having to constantly battle them and everyone in my family to get them to just accept me as I am. Regardless of the parts that I know are harder than others, I want them to just leave me alone and allow me to grow up. I’m never going to be able to live if I don’t do it on my own. 

I just feel so, so, so under their thumb. I feel like no matter where I go, I can’t get away from them. Maybe I feel this more now because I have to see them this Saturday. We’ve got double birthdays coming up so we’re going to celebrate them all on Saturday. This will be the only time I’ll have to see them until Thanksgiving.  I guess I’m just angry in advance because I feel like I know how it’s going to be. I really hate doing this to myself, but it’s hard to not anticipate bad things. 

The last time I saw my dad after coming out to them he started dinging into me. My mom doesn’t ask questions and I’m hoping they stop asking and wait until I tell them. I hate keeping them in the dark, but I hate even more the way they make me feel when I invite them in. 

I think what pains me the most about meeting with them is not only do anticipate many bad moments, but because I have to NOT be myself. I stand back and don’t say much. I don’t talk about anything gay or personal. I don’t talk about my career or my money. I don’t really say much because every time I do I get kicked down. Now I know how my brother feels. 

God, I just don’t want to think like this. I want to be able to live here, be around them and be my own person. After all it’s between me and you who I am, not them. I love them and will always love them, but I just wish they would let me go. Maybe that’s what their trying to do. I just want to stop feeling so anxious every time I talk to them on the phone or the week before I have to see them always feels so crapy. 

They’re my parents after all. I do love them unconditionally. God, help me to do this and let go my problems to you.

My Morning Blah

This morning, in association to several things, I found myself walking to work not awake enough for the task. My brain was rattled and my body uneasy. What was I doing here? Something had happened that make me shiver and wonder “did I just change the rest of my life?” I won’t get into the details because, to be honest, I don’t know them myself. All I know is I haven’t been able to shake it. I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff and I’m contemplating jumping. Okay, that was a bad example because I’m not contemplating death. I guess it’s more like someone says, “Hey, I’ve got one ticket to move to England. What to go?” Something that I’ve wanted more than anything is right there GIVING me the way to it. All I have to do is say “yes” and let it transform my life forever. 

I haven’t been handed a ticket to England or anything, but in away I’ve been handed a ticket to myself, finding myself. A promise, if you will, that I could have the greatest love I’ve ever been given if I start standing up for myself. I’m scared, overwhlemed and slightly energized to the task. I want to just get it over with, but I have a feeling this transformation will take time. It will need to be appropriately tested and explored so when ready to step out there, hesitation will be not available. 

In other news, I learned a lot of things this weekend. I learned:

1. Finding a roommate is great, but learning to stand up for what you want and not catering to a complete stranger is better.
2. Wine is wonderful and even better when it’s free.
3. Those guys who drive the city buggies with their bikes are amazingly strong and nice.
4. Owning  your own wine bar is a lot of work and you always deal with drunk, loud people. Always.
5. Just because you say “stop chewing on your blanket” dogs will do it anyways when you’re not looking.
6. My dogs don’t speak English.
7. I can in fact still fit into my Junior prom dress and still feel fancy in it.
8. You can barter with feathered masks for free wine.
9. Ordering two Sal’s pizzas on the weekend makes one kick-ass weekend.
10. When cramping, rolling one’s self into a ball is best.
11. Watching FRIENDS will make anything better.

I’m hoping that this week picks back up in terms of being distracted and making things happen. I have two phone interviews with people about their careers in the healthcare industry and one appointment with a local nursing school to discuss my future as a nurse. I’m hoping all things go well for you, too! May your week be fast and your weekend be slow.

“You’re hot then your cold…”

I’ve been horribly naughty lately. Amy and I have declared “peace” and I can’t seem to get it into gear. Here I was this strong, capable person who could look their beloved in the face and say, “No, you need to date and please let’s learn to get over this hump of weirdness between us.” After all, we’re wanting to stay friends after our breakup, so it becomes essential that we move on as fast as we can. 

Our trouble lies in the moments of “no one’s looking” and “who cares if we slip here and there”. The only way we’ve been able to NOT do that is for me to treat this girl that she’s dating as her girlfriend. I do not want to be a cheater and I’ve promised myself I would never hurt anyone ever again! We have already gone over the many reasons as to why it’s not fair for us to be in a relationship. It’s the strangest thing that two people in love are not able to be together. Regardless of my issues with same-sex relationships for myself, we had things that were not good for one another. It speaks volumes about your relationship when you break up and both parties become healthier, better individuals. It isn’t like we’ve fallen apart and have stopped breathing. In fact, we’re doing so much better that the only thing that hurts anymore is our hearts. 

I was thinking about the travisty of love and the wrangled mess your heart puts itself through to be in such a state. You allow gastly things to happen in exchange for the one organizim that keeps you alive. You step on or get stepped on. You say things that you haven’t thought a day in your life in order to just make the other person feel helpless with out you. You put everything on the line for them because of those four letters: LOVE. 

Anyways, I’ve been a naughty best friend and have been completely off course for the past day. Someone how I feel like I’m back in that retch of a relationship with Anna and I’m having to interrogate to feel better. I ask, “Has she meet all your friends?”, “Is she included on emails?”, “Do you want to have her babies?”. Okay, maybe not that last one because it’s gross a question best left for the shocking baby shower announcement that titles “I’m Having Her Baby and You Missed Out”. 

I think my biggest f ear, aside from never getting to love her again, is that I’m loosing her. Not only am I going to looser her but all the friends I’ve made with her. What if they like her more and since everyone is already coupled I would be the odd-man out and therefore to be only talked about in remembrance of “that girl with the weird name”. 

How does one tell these friends, “Hey, I’m still here. I still want to be apart of your lives and want you to be apart of mine. Is it because I’m not with Amy I’m no longer cool?”…okay, I wouldn’t say that last part, but something along those lines. How does one do that? 

I just feel like I’m fading; like my color is going from bright shades of belonging to greys of separation. Here’s the breakdown of the group there are three couples total: Amy + _____; Angela + Alicia, Teal + Deana; Nicole + Jill.

Perhaps I should not excuse things, but I don’t know how not to. Angela and Alicia have their own lives (and they are also Amy’s best friends). Teal and Deana just moved into their new, first home. Nicole and Jill are a new couple only interested in each other, which I can totally understand and not blame them. I think by being the single one I’ll only be invited to birthdays (maybe), parties and random Sunday drinking days. We’re I’ll be left off is game nights, Rockband nights, dinners out, and whatever little random “let’s hang out” things. I’m just angry that we’re heading this way. Do I say something? Do I send an email and say, “hey, listen, I want to be your friend and who cares if I’m single. Let’s get a table for 7 and let me be the one to entertain.” 

I just don’t want to disappear, but don’t want to be crashing any parties either. Has anyone been there? What did you do? Did you care and just showed up anyways?

One Word

It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m taking a break. I’ve been deliciously wrapped up in the first section of “Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia” by Elizabeth Gilbert. She has been graciously walking me through her trip/stay in Italy. So, in a effort to experience my own Italian resort I’m finishing off my leftover spaghetti.

I had only expected to read a few chapters and them resort my mine to effortless movies and activities I had scheduled to do; however, I found myself stopping three chapters away from finishing the first section: Italy (otherwise known as “Eat”). I was deeply wrapped into her words and descriptors for her experiences and food that I couldn’t put it down. I was ready so feverishly that I was even clinching my jaw. Have you ever read a book like this? Just joy, excitement and connection that without knowing it you freeze your entire frame waiting for the next move? I hardly ever get this way, so when I do over a book I let myself dive nose first for as long as I can stand it.

Twice I stopped reading, wrote quotes down on various shades of green paper and taped them to my bathroom mirror for repeat learning. The first thing I wrote down was the Italian phrase “Parla come magni” which means “Speak the way you eat”. The second was a indirect quote from Bhagavad Gita, “It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection.”

I finally put the book down and left the final three chapters to when I go to bed or for tomorrow night. In the last chapter I read, she tells of a time when she spoke with her Italian friend Giulio about Rome. He said that every place has a word to describe it. It’s not given to the place for any other reason except that the word is uttered in the minds of everyone that lives there. The word for Roma was “sex”. Of course this is from his opinion; I know I wouldn’t know. But in that word he sad to Liz that if you do fit with that word than the city is not for you. I had to re-read this section to make sure I understood it. As I began to ponder what the word for my city was I thought about “MONEY”, “POWER”, “GREED” and then I landed safely on “SELF”. The word under everyone’s breath, braided deep within their actions and life is “SELF”. At the tender age of 24 I don’t plan on settling here forever. So, with that I began to wonder if I (in my word) agreed with this definition of my city. With that question came another, “what’s my word?”

I fumbled through a listing that I would love to honestly say was MY word, but in all truth my word (for now at least) is CHANGE. I believe I embody every inch of this word. The good, the bad, the sometimes in-between meanings I reflect. Okay, now that I have that out of the way, I can honestly say I couldn’t live here forever. Unless the city’s word changes to something more like one I could live with “SELF” isn’t going to cut it past the next five years. For right now it fits. I am all about SELF and seem completely okay with that. I’m in the stages of “when do I start nursing school” and “I want to find MY place” and “who am I” that this city is home for right now. I’m hoping when I discover more of my self through finding my career, my person, my beliefs, etc. I will discover a new, distant city were I can go and get away from SELF.

SELF is a hard thing to constantly live around. It wears you out because your friendships never start off right, your jobs never seem to be a perfect fit and (most importantly) your relationships are always filled with SELF drama. Who wants that?

I often wonder what type of city I could move to that would fit better with “CHANGE” but then who know if CHANGE will best describe me in five years?

Boss’ Day Breakfast

This morning we celebrated “Boss’ Day” by gathering together at Cafe Brazil. In case you were wondering, I had their bottomless cup of Holiday Blend coffee and Pumpkin/Cinnamon Pancakes. So good. 

I always look forward to these office outings. It makes me feel like we all get along and love working together. Plus, the conversations are always laced with random questions about each others childhood and random events. I like those kind of conversations because you really get to know someone when they share stories. I always share too much, but I want them to know me so who cares?

One story I shared this morning was how I dated this guy (back in high school) that played “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” by Kenny Chesney on his answering machine (he was so country).

I first shared how cool it was he had his own phone line with answering machine and then how he was a football player that worked at MJ Designs. In case you don’t know what MJ Designs is, it’s a craft store specializing in everything made by you for you to accent your home. The fake plants, fruit, cheesy gifts and candles were always in great supply there. This was an okay job for him to have seeing how I really wanted him to make me a mum for Homecoming and he had all the supplies.

Again, for those of you who are thinking “what the hell is a mum” you have to understand Texas football. Whether your high school’s team was good or bad the football games were always a huge deal. During Homecoming, girls would receive these massive, always too heavy to pin to your bra ribbon things with your name on it, your date’s name on it and things you did in school. They were made in your school’s colors and it was always noted among girls who’s boyfriend loved them more by the size of the mums. I knew a girl who’s actually played music.

Sometimes, if you didn’t have a date for the Homecoming dance, your parents would buy you one to wear on game day. So, it was really important that this guy be my boyfriend until October so he could make me a massive mum. Unfortunately, we didn’t make it beyond May of that year. 

I look back and think about all these things I thought were important about dating and can’t believe the Homecoming mum would make a heads or tails for a relationship. That’s the beauty of high school, you could do that and it didn’t really matter. Or maybe it did and I just didn’t let it matter to me?

Gland Squeezing

Okay, that header is gross and I apologize for any mental imagery you experienced while reading it. I say that only because that’s how I spent the first half of my morning. Well, not necessarily how I spent my morning, but how Pippa did.

For those who do not have dogs or are considering having a dog there is one thing you must know: they have to have their bottom glands squeezed. Gross I know, which is why I take both my dogs to the vet and pay to have someone else do that. 

You know when your dog is needing this treatment when they scoot their bottom on the ground. I did not know this until I got Molly and the vet told me about it. First of all, humans DO NOT have to have this done. Second of all, why do dogs have glands down there that have to be squeezed? Third of all, gross. 

Anyways, I’m sitting at the vet’s office waiting for Pippa to be done and I start watching the people in the room. I start thinking how I could be a vet tech, how the woman after me in line should have worn boy shorts instead of a thong with those pants and how by just hearing the vet I knew he was gay. After discovering all these important things, Pippa was ready to go. When we got to the car, Pippa hops in and sits on the floorboard. Now, my girls typically sit on a yellow towel in the passenger seat, so when she did this I realized she was not happy with me. Soon enough she realized a fluffy yellow towel was better than all-weather floor mat and jumped up on the seat. With that jump I got a whiff of something horrible. 

This was an all time first for me. The last time I had to have Molly’s glands squeezed she stayed the whole day at the vets office. When I picked her up that afternoon it was like nothing had happened and her bottom was oh so happy. Waiting and then taking Pippa home afterwards was quite unusual and I half expected it to be no big deal. What I did not learn is, once the procedure is done the dog is given the opportunity to lick all things right again so by the time I get them I don’t even know what happened. This was not the case this morning. That whiff of whatever the hell that was could have knocked me out it was so bad. On the way home, Pippa and I were playing a game of who could throw-up first and she won. 

I’m sure she’s in her crate right now making all things right with her bottom again and secretly happy it all happened, but I’m just hoping that when I get in my car this afternoon it does not smell like THAT any more. I’m not sure who got the better deal: Pippa in a crate making it all better or me being forced to drive home with THAT smell hanging around? Gross.

Monday Morning Poptart

For the past two weeks I’ve enjoyed the delicious side company of one whole-grained, strawberry Poptart and double cups of Starbucks Espresso roast french pressed. These two have been my morning motivators in not only getting to work early (before 9), but have made the first half of my day go by increasingly fast. I don’t know if I loose myself in the yummy goodness of dark coffee or strawberry pastry, but it makes the day so much easier to deal with. That maybe a little sad, but it is what it is. 

This weekend was a fairly generous one, but also a very clean one as well. Things I learned from this weekend:

1. An iced Venti, non-fat, toffee nut Starbucks double shot is always in call for on Saturday mornings.
2. One can, in fact, clip their own dogs nails without fear!
3. Texas/OU weekend is not to be feared unless you live in Uptown or are not from UT or OU. 
4. Never drive threw Uptown on day of UT/OU game around noon.
5. Cleaning your entire apartment and dogs will make you burn calories and feel good.
6. Lavanderia’s are not to be feared, but only to be visited during the morning hours. 
7. It always helps to have a English to Spanish dictionary on hand when going to  said Lavanderia.
8. Lavanderia is not actually spelled like “Lavenderia”.
9. “Cobijoas” means “blankets” and you should not wash them at the Lavanderia.
10. Kissing one’s previous love is not in the best interest of “moving on”.
11. “As Good As It Gets” is one of my favorite movies and I may never return it Blockbuster.
12. I need a roommate and I’m not playing.