My Loves

I want to share with you a few of my recient loves. Now, I may not get to link all of them so please don’t stomp and yell. It’s hard writing a blog at work.

1. Copy Cats – This a fabulous website that plays for you all the songs that have been “copy cat-ed” (is that right?) by other artists. I love this site but hate iTunes for not having most of these songs for me to buy later. Jerks. 
2. Twilight – Now, I’m not the 14-year old girl who reads these for a free pizza (remember when Pizza Hut did that?), but I’m equally as dorky in that I love these books. When I first started reading I hated the main, female character but now I love her and dislike Edward the main, male character. I’m on the third book and stayed up WAY TOO LATE last night reading three chapters. In a way I just want to get it over with so I can leave my dreams of vampires alone and move on to something else. Like, maybe, Harry Potter or something of the like. If anything I love that these books have me loving to read again. Also, I love this website because it shows you a playlist for each book. Very nice.
3. New Hair Cuts – Yes, my hairs are getting cut tomorrow and I couldn’t be happier! I’m going for the drastic, very modern shag bangs look. I can’t find an image close to what I have in mind, but the one I supplied will do in illustrating my point. There’s something about getting a new hair cut that makes you feel…reinvented. Like some how you just back someone else and here’s your chance to make some changes. At least that’s what I’m hoping will push me forward. Not that this is a magical hair cut or anything, but that it will reinvent my mind to remembering “Yes you can!”. (Sorry Obama, needed that slogan.)
4. Heaters at the Office – Yes, I have an “illegal” heater under my desk, but my claim is it was there when I got here AND it’s f-ing cold at my desk. Some times it’s just what I need to get through my day. Wow…that’s kind of sad.
5. Moroccan Christmas – I finally was forced to catch up on my shows, well just this one, but it was freaking hilarious. If you don’t watch “The Office” and you work in an office, you should totally watch this. Sure it’s out there, but really it’s awesome. 
6. Watches: I recently, and kind of stupidly purchased a watch from Fossil, but I had been wanting it since September. I thought it was enough time to wait, right? Plus, I wanted it which turned into a need and that was hardly avoidable. Plus, I haven’t bought a new anything for myself in ages. So, there.
7. Crafts: Well, this one is a little secret, but for New Year’s my friends are hosting a party and we’re also doing a Christmas/Fun exchange. Their theme is “crafts” and boy do I have one for them. I think it would be very fun, but I can’t tell because I know they also read this blog. All I’m going to say is it’s going to be so fancy next to someones headboard. Ohh, ahh…the suspense.
8. Blockbuster: I love that I have this account with Blockbuster and they bring me movies every week. This was probably the BEST idea I ever followed through with.
9. Shazam: It’s this application you can download for the Google phone that (similar to an iPhone app.) can locate a song you hear in a restaurant, at your desk, etc. and store it in your phone. Not the song it self but the name and title which is really important when you want to go back and buy it. Love it!

Sugar Daddy…I Need One

Lay-offs. No one wants to talk about them but EVERYONE is now talking about them. The toll is up and so far it’s FIVE people I know that have been let go in the past three months. Maybe that’s good in terms of other places in the US, but five is all too many for me to feel safe in my industry. 

They said we were safe because our city was doing better than normal and my industry was kicking ass through the 2009 calendar. Now, I’m not very sure. 

Lately, I’ve been wondering if I’ve been getting signs that it’s coming. Maybe it’s just fear making me think these signs are all pointing towards whatever, but hear me out. Whether it’s when I spend money, talk about my job or something similar to both I get a sick feeling in  my gut. I normally don’t get that feeling unless I know something is coming. Some times I’m right and some times I’m wrong. Wouldn’t this be the worst time to be right?

I’ve heard that your best defense against fear is a back up plan. What would be my back up plan? I was going to say Starbucks or random shifts at the local hospitals, but now that other people might beat me to the punch, what now? Still keep said plan? What happened to my plan to just get a better job AT a hospital? Yeah…working on it. I guess I should be working a little harder at now, huh? 

Okay, Fear…you don’t own me. You don’t change anything by being my friend. Instead you just waste my time. I need you to take a swift step backwards and tell me you’ll never talk to me again. Yeah, I know we’re not the best of friends, well except for that one time, but let’s bury the past shall we? You’ve never been good for me. You just tell me things that make my mind never stop. Sometimes your words hunt my dreams and that’s never cool. You first romance me with a rush of emotions then you take me out to a nice seafood dinner and never call me again. You leave me waiting for the news, paralyzed to do something about your bad memories. I’m over you. Yeah, maybe I just decided that we were threw, but whatever. I’m asking you to leave and please don’t call again. Oh, and if you could please stop talking to my Dad, too that would be great. Getting him on your side is never going to get me back.

“This Bird Has Wings”

A new year and hopefully a new me is on the horizon. By new me I mean going to the gym more, new hair cuts, nails finally being painted and most of all pursuing my passion with actual steps. 

I’ve been so terrified to do anything about what’s sitting right in front of me that I’ve done nothing what-so-ever. Instead of moving forward, chasing down my options and taking those first steps I’m sitting here shopping uncontrollably and eating more passionately than my waistband would allow. Those are me two responses for things I’m scared of. 

I found this job yesterday with a local hospital here that I know I could do, but I’m frozen in NOT knowing how to move towards it. I’m NOT submitting a application online, but I don’t know anyone within the system. So instead of just working my magic to get in there I sit here, working at a job that screams for me to leave and drink my Starbucks. WTF? 

In other news, I won’t be starting my prerequisites this semester. Sorry Tracy, but I can’t swing the cost until summer (hopefully). So, right now I only have to work on a new job. That’s it. 

I’m ready to stop laying on the bottom of this “I can’t do” attitude, but have no, absolutely no idea how get out of it. I feel like I’m in a hole with no rope to help pull me out. Some how in the last five years I’ve ended up here. I get scared and don’t do anything but freeze. I use to fight, so what’s the deal here?

PS I finally got Internet at my house so hopefully that leads to bigger and better things to come in my search.

Catching Up with the Plague

I’ve been a horrible little blogger, but I swear it’s not all my fault. I have no Internet except here at work, I have a new roommate so I am never in my room and have been busier than a big girl at a bake sale (I would know). 

I’ve contemplated nursing school, buying a house, being in a full blown relationship, partying like a 24-year old and working out again. All those things have been the emphasis of my daily existence until this week. I’ve given up. Not permanently or even temporally, but prematurely. Because my plans to jump into nursing school are not happening as I had hoped (and/or planned) I’m frozen. I don’t know where to go next or how to go about this whole thing.

I’ve met with two local schools and realized a) I’m going to have no money b) I’m going to have no time. Also, since I’m a really slow student, I will need to take my time appropriately. That’s where my plan broke. I have to take 24 hours of core prerequisites before August 2009. Oh, did I mention that they are all labs? Yeah, I know me and I will need to take my time and really work hard in each class. Although I love, love, love science it does not generally love that easily. 

So what do I do? Do I enroll in community college anyways for a just a class to get the ball rolling? Do I cry and hide under my bed (which would be really hard to do seeing how I was that big girl at the bake sale)? Do I accept the fact that my dream is really far out there and look for other doors? Is this really a dream or am I just falling in love with a profession versus a path? Is that what it’s about: profession versus path? 

All those questions I haven’t allowed myself to answer. Why? I don’t know. If I would just stop trying to run from what’s hard maybe I would have it worked out. I always do this. It doesn’t excuse it, but that’s how I’m working these days.

Take Amy, my parents, my home buying adventure, my career, my education and generally anything else going on in my life as an example. I suck right now at facing things. 

I use to be an expert “facer”. I was able to look something in the eyes and tell it “bitch, you don’t scare me.” Now I’m like “Okay, I’m your bitch.” 

The good news within all of this is now I’m constantly moving. So, at the very least, I’m not being lazy. With new, fun, fashionable roommate and various after work activities I am always on the move. At first I was tired and hated it, but not I’ve learned to love it and actually look forward to it. I haven’t been able to just be a lump since Thanksgiving and I probably won’t be one again until Sunday. 

In other news, my birthday is this weekend! Go me and my day of birth. I’m sure my mom will tell me how many hours she was in labor and how big my head was. Yeah, that’s always a great story to hear as you’re eating your birthday pancakes. Yum! This year, I’ll just have to hear it over birthday lunch. Even better.

Oatmeal Tuesdays

I’m finally back at work where there is Internet, wireless radio and my new G1. Yes, all is right when I’m at the office in terms of today. Well, minus that cup of oatmeal that over flowed in the microwave, me being late to work and everything else that went wrong. 

To give a quick recap on Thanksgiving and my move they were all good but with minor problems. The move was successful and I’m well underway at finding my home with my new roommate. The dogs love the apartment just as much as we do and we have fabulous neighbors. 

Thanksgiving was a lesson learned in that I will NEVER stay the night for Thanksgiving again unless my brother or other family are staying, too. Upon arrival to my parents house my oldest dog (Molly) attached my parents 14-year old, no claws cat. No blood except for mine as I attempted to pick the cat up and step on my dog. Zoe (the cat) decides I’m not worth trying to help by BITING the hell out of my hand. Seriously, she made me drip blood she bit me so hard. Those damn little sharp teeth only did damage to me. As I’m trying to get the cat’s thigh out of Molly’s mouth I’m getting blood on Molly, my pants, the ground and my shoes. Good times. Then, because my dad has absolutely no social skills I hear him yelling and cusing at my mom around 10 about it. Instead of telling me, “Hey, I would rather you not bring the dogs in the house if you’re going to bring them out here,” he decides it would be better to yell at my mom. Yeah, not ever doing that again. 

So as I heal both emotionally and hand-physically I find myself here on a Tuesday morning eating boiled over organic oatmeal not wanting to work. I haven’t had Internet in forever and feel like I haven’t been on this site equally as long. I haven’t used Twitter in ages too, but now I finally got my G1 so now it’s back on, bitches. Okay, you’re not a bitch, but I just like saying that. 

I can’t wait until I can get this site figured out. I had it and then I quit. So not sure what happened. I think I’ll call it laziness. Yes, that’s its name.