Have I Been Ruined?

I can remember as far back as high school being dedicated to my routine. I had morning band practice, afternoon track practice, several committee meetings and church function. All the activities that I had I never missed nor do I remember it being hard to get up for them.

Then college happened. I slept a lot, skipped a lot and stopped caring a lot. Have I been ruined?

For the sixth time I’ve skipped class; the class that I signed up for in an effort to start making my dreams of becoming apart of the medical community via clinical come true. No one made me, and no one is paying for it besides me. I’m the one who will be directly effected if I fail and have to take it again.

I could blame a million things that make me NOT want to go, but I can think of ONE, stronger than a million other things why I should be there.

When did it get so hard? Does stress of job, life, etc. really make it that hard that television vegetation is the only way to find relaxation and escape? Some how I’ve messed up my priorities. Some how I have lost focus and accepted a lazy, sleep selfish way of doing things.

Something has got to change with me because I can’t keep going this way. Some how it’s all got to work out. Some how…

Bike Ride #1

So, this morning I thought I would ride my bike to work. I live about .5 miles (if that) from the office; however, I didn’t want to take direct roads, so I set off for a run/ride trail close by. After a few streets of forgetting where the entrance was I found it and realized I am NOT as in shape as I had thought I would be. Remember, I got the bike to ride from school to home (which is AT LEAST 2 miles on direct roads) so if I was working it AND sweating for a quick bike to work imagine what it would be like to ride to school. 

Anyways, once I got on the trail I expected it to be easy breezy because the trail was once a train track so it means a smooth, even track. But, no, no…not for me today. It was a slight up hill climb. So, once I got to work I realized the downhill slope that lead to the parking garage was much steeper than I expected. So, I jumped off and walked the bike to the garage. As I’m rounding the corner I see that our ENTIRE office is evacuating for a fire alarm and is directly facing me as I walk around. 

I’m not interested in going over to where they are standing because a) I’m hot, b) I’m kind of stinky and c) I don’t see anyone I know. So, I begin to fuddle with my lock only to realize that the key I THOUGHT went to my lock was not actually the right key. With that the alarm ends and everyone starts to go inside. Because the lock won’t work I will have to move the bike upstairs for the day. I wait and wait for everyone to get into the elevator until I know I’ll have room for just me and the bike. 

I finally get up to my office and hide the bike in an empty office. Today has been one interesting day already and I haven’t even had my coffee yet.

Add [ON]

I’m going to keep this particular post going for a while, so if you see this appear in your Reader (hopefully, I’m cool enough to BE in your Reader) or you randomly fall upon it in a Google search more than once, don’t fear I’m continually up-dating it with new information. 

This is my “Funny Things About Me” meats (mmm…meats…) “Random Crap I Feel Like Telling You Because I Want You to Know Me, But Really Just Want to be Narcissistic and Talk About Myself” kind of post. 

1. When I become overly, warm-hearted excited my eyes well up. Like a break-through “Come to Jesus” moment I well up and tears began to form, my throat solidifies with a lump of emotions stuck in the back waiting for the first tear to come rolling down my cheek. I smile, I can’t breath and all of the sudden I’m the proudest person for someone else. It’s truly an amazing moment, but I also feel kind of stupid for overreacting. 

You Wanted This…

I have to keep telling myself that. With school, family, friends, life in general I am always forgetting I “wanted” it that way.

When am I going to grow up and realize that being an adult is about sticking to things, things you choose to do…things you started? I better learn soon.

Dad, WTF?

I hate that when I get emails with hurtful words about me, my mom, my sister or my brother I break down. 

I had sent him an email asking what he wanted to do for mom’s big birthday this summer. I mentioned mom wanted a surprise and I would like to do whatever I can to make it great. 

I get an email back this morning basically calling my mom a bitch for being in a bad mood since her foot surgery. My dad is an ass. I have such a hard tome respecting him let a lone liking him. 

I love my dad when he’s great and caring, but 8 times out of 10 he’s jut an ass-whole these days. Seriously, he blows up in anger for no reason and blames everyone but himself. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had an heart attack. Not that I want him to have one, but he blows up so quickly, it wouldn’t surprise me. 

Sometimes I wish my mom and dad would move away. I don’t want to leave and I would like them to move so I wasn’t forced to communicate with them all the time. I love my mom and I wish she had more of a stand up guy as her husband, but she loves him and won’t leave him. I kind of wish she would, but I know she wouldn’t be happy. She would feel better about herself, but not happy. 

Her life are her children and her marriage. I would hate to be so far away from her, but if they moved I would at least feel free from having to consistently do what pleases them. I’m tired of feeling like I have to be 100% prepared to be myself when I’m with them. I feel like the way I think, the things I like, who I am, what I want to do with my life is always on the chopping block of “we don’t approve”. 

Days like today, I’m angry my dad even emailed me. I’m angry that I can’t just yell “shut the fuck up and be a man versus an ass whole.” When I was a kid I couldn’t wait to be older so I could cuss him out. It’s funny the things you suppress as a child. I had all but forgotten about that until almost six months ago. 

Why is he so mad all the time? Why does he never blame himself but forces mean, hurtful words on everone else just to bully them? That’s what he is, he’s a bully. 

I work in the same industry as him and sometimes it kills me when I hear people say “he’s a great guy”, because I know to his family and for the people that work under him, we know better.

I mean, he is a nice dad. He didn’t beat us when we were kids. He didn’t say “no, I would rather not take care of you”. He didn’t stop short to pay for our educations and keep us debt free. He didn’t (to my knowledge, though my brother speculates differently) cheat on my mom. He doesn’t beat my mom. He doesn’t get drunk. He isn’t that dad who reads your emails (though I might not put it past him now). 

I know I could have had it so much worse, but I could have had it so much better, too. My dad could be so much nicer and not call me bad names. He could have told us “we could do anything if we worked hard”. He could have supported our individual efforts to be ourselves and succeed. He could have been kinder to my mom besides just buying her love. He could have taught us lessons with encouraging words rather than yelling at us and pushing us into a place of fear so we chose what he wanted for us. He could have trusted our individual natures to find what we enjoyed doing rather than wonder how much it was going to cost him. 

I know my dad loves us and would be heart broken if something happened to us, but why does it have to come to that? Why would it take me coming out to them for my dad to show any signs of care he has for me? Even then he didn’t have it. He cried, but yelled at me mostly. 

I’m just tired. This is a huge reason why I wish I had round shoulders. I don’t care if I couldn’t feel anything else good or light spirited, as long as I didn’t have to feel this.

Selflessness, Where Are You In The Mirror?

This is a missing piece to my person right now. I wish it weren’t but I’m finding my thoughts, my attitude, my time focused 100% toward personal gain, pleasure (not naughty, but sometimes) and a check list. This check list is something I posses effortlessly and sometimes it’s over powering. Sometimes it’s not there and I remember it after I have found goals or something like it.

Anyways, I wish I were more…selfless. I wish I could not hear my own thoughts about wants, needs, desires, etc. Sometimes I foil the best of intentions with personal gain.

Round Shoulders

I don’t have them. Well, with the exception that all shoulders are naturally round, I mean in the figurative term I don’t have them. Things just don’t roll of them easily. My mom has this gift and I’ve yet to learn how to possess it.

I want to because if I can learn how to round my shoulders I won’t be hurt by things that don’t really matter in the big scheme of things. This weekend I would say I was hit by two blows. I’m not really going to mention them because a) they shouldn’t matter and b) what’s the point? All I know is instead of brooding over why or why not things happened they way they did or someone said something or did something that hit me harder than it should have I just want to let it go.

Wouldn’t be amazing to be that person that things just didn’t stick to? Like, you say or do something mean towards me, at me, near me, in reference to me, whatever and I don’t allow it to consume me? I don’t mean solid rock or anything, but just not “why didn’t this or that happen” or “what did it mean when they said this or that.”

Perhaps I’m making no sense, but I guess I’m kind of doing it on purpose. I know my friends read this blog and I don’t want to make them think they’ve done something wrong to make me be awake at 2:24 in the morning and blog about it. In truth I’m awake because I was awake this time last night and I’m bloging because I’m tired of hearing myself think about the fact I don’t have round shoulders.