My mom said to me today, “You just know…you’ll not want to fight it and you won’t be able to argue out of it.”
We got on the subject of marriage, which I wildly protested and assured her no grand babies anytime soon unless I adopt on my own. I thought that was a rather interesting thing to say. Not so much in just knowing but that you don’t fight it. I wonder what that would look like? I fight everything.
In fact, I start giving you reasons to leave me so soon in the relationship in fear of the forever I’m curious how I’ll ever “not want to fight it”. How will I ever allow anyone to get that close to where I say “sure, let’s do it”?
Again, I don’t want to get married, but based on the way my little girl self planned my future and how my conservative family operates I get pressured by the raised eyebrow frequently. My parents actually stopped asking me or talking about it when I came out, so whenever they talk about it in regards to me, I remind them I’m Bi and I could marry anyone. It’s my perfect truth. It breaks them down to the idea and generally gets them to stop asking/talking about it.
I hate my little girl self for dreaming up all these dreams of what this stage in my life might look like. For every relationship (dating or not) I’m in with someone of interest I subconsciously skim down the list of “marriage ideals” so earnestly carved into my mind. I hate that little girl sometimes because she fucks up all good things going the pace they should. She throws in “what ifs” and starts reorganizing the set guidelines of a relationship to invisible ones I won’t know about until they paralyze me emotionless and unable to be in the relationship in general.
Last night I realized a personal faith based truth for my path: It’s not about my dreams/plans but Gods. I’ve been journaling feverishly my concerns with my job, relationships, future love life and the like. I’ve been plastering this journal with words pressing to God how important it is to allow these things I want to come to me. When they don’t I write longer, more painful sentences asking “why”.
Upon remembering a song whose lyrics I’ve clung to with a tight grip, I realized I’m asking God to not take away my dreams thus keeping me stuck in this place of not willing to let go. I’m afraid of what my future looks like without them. What if I don’t live in the house that makes me feel as I always thought it would? What happens if I settle down with someone I’m not crazy about? What if I stay in the same job forever, making little change in the world for the better? Without these dreams I feel like I would lose myself. AHH! That’s the point, right?
One of my tattoos symbolizes a scripture I always want to remember Matthew 16: 24-25. Jesus said to his disciples anyone who wants to come after me must pick up his/her cross and follow me…for anyone who wants to save his/her life will lose it but whoever loses their life for me will find it.
Losing your life to God will find it…I have a hard time letting go fully, but with a little time I would love to move on from this place.
I repeat the same paths over and over lately and I hate it. What I’ve learned thus far in this “new” place of moving, new circle of people, new timeclock (if you will) is that the old me was not a product of my atmosphere or my relationships. I am facing the same flip-flop, same “what the hell am I doing” mixed with the old recluse. Bah…so many things to keep working through.
ANYWAYS…this was suppose to only touch on that commit my mom made and that I need to start letting go and letting God. And by letting go, I mean the dreams. The house, the spouse the future…I need to let it all go. I’m at a place where I trust God’s guidance and to imply that His world would be worse than my dreams is quite silly. He’s the one that brought me Amy (one of the greatest loves of my life and closest friend), my job (though I try to escape I keep learning in ways I never would have had I actually left), my close friends (people who have lifted me up in the darkest times and were my support), my home (an amazingly large, cheaply priced apartment I just LOVE), personal understanding (through Him I developed the confidence to be honest about who I am and my GLBT place in this world) and all the other million good things that make days go my way.
Time to let it all go His way.
Tags: Family, Future, God, Letting Go, Relationships
