Sometimes I just want to write. To let my mind go and my hands pull forward all the stuff lingering around.
Tonight, I have a very surreal experience to have happen: I’m going to have drinks with my first girlfriend. This is the first girlfriend whom I was with for a year and had the most dramatic, crazy relationship of my life. The funny thing now is that I’m completely over it.
There is nothing about the past relationship that I care about nor have ANY emotional feelings for. I can actually sit there with her and talk to her as if she was someone I just met or a friend I had way back in the day. I love that though.
I’m not seeking a deeper friendship with her, but I am enjoying having one with her none-the-less.
Lately, I realize I am missing the connection with people. I don’t communicate with the guy I’m seeing very well and I don’t have a confidante anymore. So, in sort, I’ve been craving that friendship with someone.
As much as I enjoy talking to God about my day and issues, I miss talking to someone more audible. I miss trusting someone so fully with my life story that every detail is enjoyable to share. I’m sure I’ll get that back with someone one day, but right now I’m in the waiting.
In other news, I’m over it. I’m over the hype of relationships, I’m over the issues of the past and I just want to more forward.
I feel like I’ve been drowning in “relationship” woes for the past month and I’m done with it. I don’t know what that means, necessarily, for my current relationship, but for my brain it’s about letting it all go. Right now I just don’t want to be attached, which makes me think I’m probably going to spend some time alone for a while since that seems to be my route of choice.
I like the feeling of not being connected with someone to the point where your week is determined by theres. Bah! Whatever…over it.
Sorry I seem to be rambling. I’m just letting my brain flow.
I’m super excited to be seeing my therapist next week, since he’s really the only person I speak openly with now. Sad, but true in that he’s my only person I actually share things with. I’m so ready to get so much off my chest, seek advice and just talk through so much crap. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts resemble a field of really tall grass and weeds. That whenever I’m trying to clear the field I start by horribly walking through a small patch moving it around with my hands versus a large John Deer tractor or something. I would say my therapist is the John Deer. He cuts it all down for me and makes it manageable.
When I was a kid, I would visit my grandpa and he would take me out to the land he owned and have me ride with him on the huge tractor cutting down the fields and fields of grass. Some of the tips of grass would reach my knees and tickle like crazy. It would be hot, but we would clear the path. Grasshoppers would be jumping here and there trying to get out of our way. After the field was all mowed we would scarf down the Papa Johns my grandma would bring as a reward. I love that I grew up in the country for bits and pieces of my life.
One of my most favorite things to do, is drive down to this lake near my parents house in the evening, roll down all the windows and let a good CD play. Usually, I would do this during the summers after I worked the closing shift. The sound of the water hitting the shore, the creaks of the bugs around me and the breeze coming off the wall of the dam would just sooth my soul. I felt safe and alone. I wish I could find a place like that around me now where I felt safe to do that.
There are so many things about nature that just bring me back to home where I’m at peace and my mind is in a simpler place. The funny thing is, I’m a city girl. I wouldn’t want to move out to the country let alone the burbs for anything. But, sometimes when I can’t escape to those solitudes I loved so much before, I wish I was back there.
I went to school out in the middle of ”no where” Texas and it was so easy to get away and find some stars. I miss that every now and then.
I’m so glad the sun has finally come back out. I’ll take the heat, I don’t care, so long as the sun stays out. This winter has been so chilling that I have not wanted to get outside much. Since the sun came out I’ve been outside several times just soaking it up.
Tags: Childhood, Letting Go, Nature, Peace, Relationships, Stars
