Not Married

God, I’m so angry. Why do people have to care about my single life? Not my life, but my “single” part? I’m so tired of people asking “who are you dating” or “You’re so beautiful I can understand how you’re not seeing anyone”. It’s so nerving and offensive. I’m also angry that people are actually shocked I’m not married now. That often angers me the most. 

When my dad said at my last dinner with him that he’s worried I’ll never marry and have kids made me so mad. I was so made that he followed with “your career will never matter to God, but your relationship with your children and spouse will.” I can’t even believe he said that. I know why he said that, but I’m just so angry that people don’t understand that just because I’m 24 and NOT married doesn’t mean my life is over. Who cares if I’m 27 and not married? Who cares if I’m 37 and not married? I know I don’t, so why do other people have to care?

God, it is so irritating to me when people, who are happy in their own relationship, can’t just be happy in your life. I want to get to a point where I don’t care if they’re happy with me or not. I know, I know…I really need to go back to my terapist, but it’s just so crazy right now. I know I should be tithing right now, too, but excusses are my best friends right now. i’ve got nothing but “not wanting to”. 

I am trying to live here, not move away from my family and yet some how still escape their questions and unhappiness towards me about MY choices. 

I keep having dreams where I’m at my parent’s house and under their rule. In every dream they’re telling me what to do and I’m trying to get away, but I can’t. It’s like they control my house, my will, my plans. The craziest part is when I actually think about the words my parents use they never say “You have to do it this way.” They always have something I should do instead, though. 

Ughhhh, I’m just tired of having to have my wall up. I’m tired of having to constantly battle them and everyone in my family to get them to just accept me as I am. Regardless of the parts that I know are harder than others, I want them to just leave me alone and allow me to grow up. I’m never going to be able to live if I don’t do it on my own. 

I just feel so, so, so under their thumb. I feel like no matter where I go, I can’t get away from them. Maybe I feel this more now because I have to see them this Saturday. We’ve got double birthdays coming up so we’re going to celebrate them all on Saturday. This will be the only time I’ll have to see them until Thanksgiving.  I guess I’m just angry in advance because I feel like I know how it’s going to be. I really hate doing this to myself, but it’s hard to not anticipate bad things. 

The last time I saw my dad after coming out to them he started dinging into me. My mom doesn’t ask questions and I’m hoping they stop asking and wait until I tell them. I hate keeping them in the dark, but I hate even more the way they make me feel when I invite them in. 

I think what pains me the most about meeting with them is not only do anticipate many bad moments, but because I have to NOT be myself. I stand back and don’t say much. I don’t talk about anything gay or personal. I don’t talk about my career or my money. I don’t really say much because every time I do I get kicked down. Now I know how my brother feels. 

God, I just don’t want to think like this. I want to be able to live here, be around them and be my own person. After all it’s between me and you who I am, not them. I love them and will always love them, but I just wish they would let me go. Maybe that’s what their trying to do. I just want to stop feeling so anxious every time I talk to them on the phone or the week before I have to see them always feels so crapy. 

They’re my parents after all. I do love them unconditionally. God, help me to do this and let go my problems to you.

Hi, My Name is Job

All I have to say is God is miraculously, generously and amazingly good. To T and Russ I can not be any but filled with joy that you, in the spirit of your being, profess so boldly in encouraging words His goodness and amazing love. Thank you both for your comments. God has used them in great ways for me and I can not thank you enough.

After work and the million posts I made, I went to Harry’s (my favorite custard and hot dog place) for a little guilty taste-bud pleasure. When I got home and was walking the girls (Pippa and Molly) I looked up into this large tree. As I stared up into something larger than I it hit me: I am not the center of the universe. You laugh because you think “could someone truly think they are”, but at the core of my person that’s how I lived my life.

Encouraged by that I came inside and made myself do a devotional I have been putting of (“Living Beyond Yourself” by Beth Moore) and I was brought to Job. Dear sweet Job, a man I completely forgot about until I re-read this passage about his abandonment by God. “I travel East looking for Him-I find no one; then West, but not a trace; I go North, but He’s hidden His track; then South, but not even a glimpse. But He knows where I am and what I’ve done. He can cross-examine me all He wants, and pass the test with honors.” (MSG)

Job, in all his abandonment never once said “God, you suck” or “I just won’t do what you want because you’ve left me with no family, no home and I’m diseased.” He was amazing in standing strong. He’s the man I’m going to study for a while. He’s the man I plan on copying where I can.

Russ, you said something about am I truly asking God to move in me? I have been, but half-heartily. I’ve been afraid of what it looks like to make my will His will. I’ve been 100% afraid to what that means. Does that mean I won’t buy a house when I want to? Does that mean I won’t be able to work where I want to work? I know that it means giving up some things I’ve come to not want to live without, but I’m tired of being selfish. This life is not about me. I am a small part of the big picture and I’m over thinking I am the big picture. I’m such a bitch.

I’m horribly scared to what I’ll look like when it’s all said and done. Will I be the same? No, I know that.

There’s this song that I use to cling to before Christian music wore me down. Click the name of the song for the free MP3.

Barlow Girl
“Surrender”

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you’re asking me to show
What I’m holding oh so tightly
Can’t open my hands can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can’t you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That’s committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

God, how is it we’ve wondered so far? Why do we wish to pull people down in order to tell them about forgiveness? What right do we have as individuals to tell each other painful things in order to make them see that they believe in a god?

Why are we so quick to diminish the behavior of those we don’t know in order to put them in a place we have no right to put them in. Why do we constantly insist we were given that right?

I fear the future for my children. Whether they’re raised in a same-sex house hold or as normal as any subdivision in hometown America, it’s going to be hard. They are going to constantly fight the opinions of other people. People who think of themselves as right and my children as wrong. For things within the law, I understand them to be wrong, but things outside of the law such as who they fall in love with, what they choose to believe in or what they choose to do in their lives is theirs.

It makes me sick to think I’m surrounded by people too obsessed with things changing to the wrong immoral because they’re incapable of seeing individuals as people you created. No, we’re not perfect. No, some of us make lousy lives out of the ones were given, but you created us. You made sure we were in this world just as we are. We’re here to face challenges, obstacles and come out fighting because you gave us the strength to do it. We’re ugly at the best of times and selfish in the majority of our days. We can’t do anything that doesn’t revolve around our thoughts, ideals, goals, plans and moods. Regardless of how completely broken we are without you and how completely backwards life has been since you left the Garden, you made us in this day, of this year to be where we are and who we because of it. I can not imagine where I would without you, but I can not imagine where I would be with just them.

Those who mock me for my differences. Those who choose to judge me first and refuse to love me second. It’s not until I’m praying for forgiveness that they come sailing in with hugs, praise and affirmation that you did indeed make me.

I’ve grown up in a church of religion and in the moments I thought I knew you the most you pulled out my safety net and let me fall. Fall so far from those rules and deception that if I’m perfect and do good things I will delivered from my sins-as if I earned them without Christ. You left me alone, bitterly alone. My friendships were like sand my heart like a hole. I felt abandoned by you. I felt completely alone because of you, but I never denied you.

Even now, as I type an angry, bitter, frustrated blog to you I do NOT deny your existence. Perhaps it’s too bold. Perhaps I will be seen crazy, but if I can not lie naked in my truth of who you are in my life then what do I have to offer to those who read anyways. This blog is not about stuff I think cool or interesting stories I found on my way to work, but rather the deep rooted knots of my life still left for me to figure out.

I do not want to live in a world that closes their eyes to their neighbor when they’re in need. I do not what to live in a world that tells you what you can or can not believe, think or feel because it’s not the majority.

My mom says if we do not stand for something, then how will they (meaning world) tell us apart from non-believers? I say I will stand for something. I will stand for equality and the right choose. The right to choose what you believe and love. I may not know enough to base my vote, pick out paint colors, feed the hungry or find the right career, but I know I’m going to try.

Simple truth is that I’m broken. The majority of us are. We fill our broken cracks with things, people and wealth to cover up the longing that will never be filled by anything on this earth.

I’m tempted to not post this blog. I’m tempted to put it aside as something between me and God, but like I said…this is about my deep roots, new beginnings and foudation. None of it’s perfect, lovely or always up beat. I would love to say I give a damn about what people really want to read, but then why would I have a personal blog in the first place. I left writing for an audience to my college degree.

And Sometimes I Pray Online

God,

I feel completely spilled out. Not in a good way, but all over the place. I feel confused and lost about every thing going on in my life. I’m sitting here my desk angry that I’m still here. I’m angry that I’m some where I don’t want to be, but more importantly that the people around me are so down. Every one keeps to themselves and doesn’t really let you in. I’m a very open person and I just feel so out of place. Everyone does their own thing and it’s about a dull as it could get.

I can’t wait till I’m in that place where happiness doesn’t depend on good things happening to you, but rather your peace within yourself to except what you can not control. Well, at least what you can not control RIGHT now.

I want a piece of chocolate. I feel the old me coming on. You know, that person that use to fill her self up with food for good times versus good tastes? Oh, I was so big then. I didn’t like not having control or feeling big. I’m glad to be back to my original size, but man would a piece of chocolate cake be nice in this slow, irritating moment.

I’m just over today. I’m over working, let alone working hard, and just about everything. I’ve been waiting for those tears to come. I’m know their out there. I just hope I don’t cry in a place or at a time when it’s highly inappropriate.

I guess I just want to be alone for a while. Not have to deal with painfully annoying people or those trying to be nice. I know their doing a nice thing by asking “are you sure you’re okay? “, but really it just gets on my nerves.

Ughh…I just want to be past this point. What do we call it? Twenty something? Being on your own? Being broke? Well, whatever it is, I’m over it. OVER IT.

Jesus…Gasp!

Ah, yes…here comes the Christian talk. Sorry, but I’m reading this book that is challenging my very faith-background in a fabulous way.

As I’ve said before, I’m reading tis terrific book called “Searching For God Knows What” by Donald Miller. I’m just near the end (which is prized effort for someone who NEVER finishes books) when I stumble upon this part…

“…there is the booby trap of believing we gain access to God by knowing a lot of religious information. Rather than Scripture serving as the text that explains God, it becomes a puzzle by which we test out knowledge against our friends’, and the views by which we distinguish superiors from inferiors. It is as though we believe when we die, Alex Trebeck will be standing at the gates of heaven to lead us in a mad round of religious Jeopardy: ‘I’ll take Calvinism for a seat next to Christ, Alex.’”

Due to my college experience with people like this I hugely detest this sort of mindset. It always pisses me off when I see these well-studied Christians versing over sections of the Bible as though their opinion or ones that they read in some thesis is correct over the simplicity of the Bible itself. Drives me crazy! I just want to slap them and tell them to wake up and knowledge is not your salvation my friend.

In another paragraph I read…

“…Scripture (says) to work out your salvation in fear and trembling (see. Phil. 2:12). I take this to mean salvation isn’t something you go around feeling sure of, the way you might if you had completed a to-do list. I take this to mean working out our salvation involves a very careful searching of the heart, asking time and again what we really mean by attending church, what we really mean by reading the Bible, what we really mean when we worship God.”

I love this part because this is exactly how I feel. I am at that place in life where I am searching our my salvation not because I still must acquire it in some other way than believing in Jesus Christ, but that I must figure out what I am doing in retrospect of it in general. What does it mean to really get up and go to church on a Sunday morning after a night celebratory drinking? Not that the drinking is wrong, but the pain that’s in my head and the excuse I make to stay in my pj’s watching whatever sad melodrama I’ve seen 100 times on TNT.

I could sit back and pretend like this part of my life is generally a “no worry zone” where I merely float through my twenties until the kids and marriage not in that order. Or, if I were smart, I would search for peace beyond understanding and a trust that I may make mistakes, but pleasing an all-powerful God is far more important than what outfit I should wear in that last issue of Lucky magazine. I am directly connected to God by ways of my heart and mind. I do not wish to be apart from Him nor ignore His omnipresent existence.

What’s my hold up?

I guess I have to rehabilitate myself toward a new kind of thinking. One that is rooted in love, patience and giving to others. I was thinking last night, I possess not hardly any of the “fruits of the Spirit”. I may have…no wait…none. How said is that? What a retched little person I must be.

Who would want to be like that? Not I, said the girl who drank too much coffee this morning and is digging far too deeply into this on a Saturday morning.

I guess all I’m saying (to myself) is that I must realize these are the steps I am taking towards being a better me. Not for someone else to applaud, but for me to stand in and let my definition to others who I am.

Sunday Service in My PJ’s

“It seems, rather, that Christ’s parables, Christ’s words about eating His flesh and drinking His blood, were designed to bypass the memorization of ideas and cause us to wrestle with a certain need to cling to Him…All you must do to engage God is be willing to leave everything behind, be willing to walk away from your identity, and embrace joyfully the trials and tribulations, the torture and perhaps martyrdom that will come upon you for being a child of God in a broken world working out in own redemption in empty pursuits.” – Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller

Sometimes I hate the fact that I was raised in a Southern Baptist home. Not that I’m sad to have had the experience, but at this moment I can’t tell if I’m fighting what I was taught by the church or God. I don’t know where He starts and the church ends. Where’s my limits? What am I going to stand for?

Maybe it sounds weird to be thinking of children when I’m barely dating seriously, but I always think about life in how I can explain it to my children. How am I to explain God, church and church people to my children? How do I teach them to crave a relationship with a God that requires you to loose yourself in order to find yourself?

Life, to me, should be that easy. If I don’t know how to explain it my children then I should find the answers. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.

Happiness Sucks

Here’s my frustration: why can you not buy happiness? Better yet, why can’t God just give you happiness in your life no matter what? I think what ticks me off most about this current emotional place I find myself so delightfully in is that I can’t seem to get out.

Basically, the lines are drawn and I don’t know which side of the fence irks me more. One side that my parents drive me absolutely insane with “who are you dating”, “what about that guy” that I just want to shout “Not Interested Right Now”. The other side is my own; confusion to some, but comfortably clear to me. No definite answers, but enough to find peace.

I’m just frustrated that I consistently find myself in this paradigm of unhappiness and lack of joy. It throws me into utter depression where I just want to sleep. Sleep and shopping are my favorite types of avoidances. These are the truth pieces that make all nasty go away; however, they don’t help them stay away. So, in my person experience with walking down the “shopping makes it all better” path, I turn to God.

God, why am I consistently going through this? What am I doing that puts me right back to this place almost monthly. I’m tired of crying those stupid, unresolving tears that only lead to the puffy and dark circle that no make up can cover. I feel like I’m just trying to survive in my own life. That’s so unfortunate. Who wants to “try” to just “survive” their own life? That’s not the way we’re meant to live. So, why is it I feel this way? I keep asking you the questions and I can’t hear you answering? Here’s my life…here it is. Take it! See if I really throw a fuss when you take it. Here’s the thing, I’ve been burned by your timing before. Sounds funny to say seeing how you’re timing is perfect, but the last time I gave myself to you I didn’t feel comforted or at peace. I instead turned to this painful, self evolved person that I still have to work through!

God, I do not denounce your kingdom nor you authority. I know you do not have to explain things to me and do not owe me at all, but could you not communicate with me? Could you not help me to live a better, joy-filled life?

How am I supposed to be a living testimony to others when I can’t get you to talk to me?

I daily long to be someone else; I want to be in another state, country, era in time, whatever! I want out of this body. I want to be someone else and escape who I am because I find absolutely no comfort or joy when I look into the mirror. Tell me where you are? Am I to take your silence as you have removed yourself from me? Am I to understand that you’re not going to communicate with me because you just want me to feel more pain? What bottom are you bringing me to? I’m so sick and tired of hitting that damn bottom that I’m ready to stop caring.

…We both know I can’t do that…

Just help me. How hard is it to just help me? Get me out of this drama, emotional mess! Please…

I want to run from you…I feel you’re not talking. I know you’re there, but where?

Conviction

Okay, I need to take a mental dump for a second. I’m overwhelmed with thoughts about my parents. Recently I’ve found myself in relationship (yes, relationship) with someone of the same sex that I love being with. She makes me excited, happy and at peace; however, every now and then I get this overwhelming urge to tell my parents that I’m openly Bi. My mother knows I’m “struggling” (as she would like to see it), but thinks it’s just a part I’ll get out of. What if I don’t?

I think what frustrates me is that I feel this way. Rather have my life separate from my life with my family, I have the deep need to blend the two together peacefully. Right.

Anyways, this weekend I find myself going to see them. I know the way my parents are. They’ll ask me about every thing going on in my life as if to make a quick sweep of things their not continuously keeping up with. Because of that I feel this overwhelming need to be up front. My father already assumes, but is too afraid to talk to me or admit this is where I am. So, he remains silent. My mother wants to ask, but once she does she’s quick to make me think. I know this isn’t something my parents want for me. My mother describes it as “unnatural” and my father as a “struggle for the rest of my life”. That’s okay that they feel this way, but how should I feel about me when I’m with them?

What’s with this desire to get them to know the full truth about me?

As Christians we’re called to call (in love) another brother or sister out when their actions fall short of the glory of God. My parents see this as “falling short”. Okay, so how do I handle the conversation I feel I don’t have energy for?

How is it that I find myself totally happy to be in this moment, but am afraid to fight them? Fight them in the conversation as to why I think it’s okay or as to why it’s my CHOICE to do so. Fight them in that they have to let me do my own thing because my life is not theirs.

That’s not to say I’m done with this journey or am ready to bow out, but rather how do I do this? I wish I could just not feel this need to tell them, but I do. It’s this overwhelming, God-given feeling to be honest with my parents. I don’t feel like eating or drinking. I don’t feel like doing anything except telling them. I wish it was okay to email them. I wish I could call my mother and have her undivided attention. Just so that I don’t have to see their face. Just so I don’t have to know how they react right away. Just so…I get it out now.

Oh God, take this out of my head until the right time. Let it rest in Your timing, Your hands.

God, Pour On The Lemonade

It’s funny only in the sense that I (stupid human) don’t expect God to answer my heart as quickly and profoundly as He does, but here’s something that was forwarded to me that put my fears in their place. Normally, we all don’t like forwards, but this one is worth reading. Seriously.

“A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a Reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot coffee, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot and an assortment of cups – porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite – telling them to help themselves to the coffee he’d prepared.

When they all had their cups of coffee in hand, the professor said:

“Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. The cup that you’re drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups… And then you began eyeing each other’s cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.

God makes the coffee, man chooses the cups.

The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your coffee. “

Just beautiful, isn’t it?

God: My Relationship To Him

I’ve been meaning to blog for some time; however, every time I seem ready to I’m either very tired or in a place that my laptop battery can’t handle. On a simple side note: I hate laptops with no more than two hours battery life.

Lately, I’ve been trying to develop better qualities and foundations that I need. Since my crazy episode I realized I needed to go back to my roots, which being my faith. Some people family is a level of comfort that brings you back to peace. My family only furthers my peace. There are some who choose to make either work or non-family friendships their place of peace. I find work nor the friendships I have able to offer that. Still others lean on relationships to provide that hint of stability. My relationship is too hard and non-peaceful in itself. So, I’m turning to the only person, entity and foundation I know that doesn’t make me feel crazy or out of control. Yes, I have felt alone, sad, hurt and broken while in the hands of my Maker, but all the while trusting the fact that I’ll be alright. Outside of that I have not the ability to trust.

This amazing book I’m reading called “Searching For God Knows What” has challenged me beyond normal books to appreciate my wacky/shattered relationship with God in the beautiful fact that I’m not alone. This guy thinks like me, rationalizes things like me and proposes the questions like me. The only thing he’s got that I don’t is the answers or the deeper understanding to those questions that makes it okay to not have the answers.

Among the many parts I would love to talk about I first take you to the one that made me stop reading because I just couldn’t handle what I read. It goes like this:

“…God made everybody and the Bible very clearly states He loves everybody. But, as Paul said, if those relations are disturbed, the relations between God and man, then we feel the desire to be loved and respected by other people instead of God, and if we don’t get that love and respect, we feel very sad or angry because we know that our glory is at stake, that if there isn’t some glory being shone through us by somebody who had authority, we’ll be dead inside, like a little light will go out and our souls will feel dark, like nothing can grow there. We’ll feel that there is a penalty, by default, for being removed from love.”

What? Seriously? That’s what I’ve been doing this whole freaking time? This whole time that I’ve been feeling absolutely worthless and that my value was only on the outside was a direct reflection according to the broken feeling of no love from God. Not that God stops loving, but perhaps removed His love momentarily to show us what it’s like to be separated from Him. Sometimes I think I had it coming. I was this high and might horse rider with a white cloak and Bible in hand. I would beat the scripture into your head with a smile. What a jerk. No, I didn’t demand you to believe as I did. I only asked that you believed.

I’m glad God some how is getting my attention. I mean I was so stupid to think that the way I was doing things was right. I started college with thinking I’m going to go to a school where the Bible is read 24/7. I’m going to go to a school where we worship and sing. I’m going to go to a school were good girls and boys go. Ha! Instead I came out a burnt out, bittered and bruised woman with ghosts lingering so deep I thought they would never go away. But, something that made me stop was I was searching for the very thing that comes freely. I looked in relationships, friendships, family, material things only to be empty handed in the end. I would pull people and things into my life with full force and then freak out when I felt over whelmed or smothered.

I move on to the next place I stopped as I read. As follows:

“I know how strange it sounds to say it, but Jesus saved my faith. Several years ago I was getting to the point that the enormous, entangling religion of Christianity, with so many divisions, its multiple theologies, its fondness for war rhetoric, and its quirky, lumbering personality, was such a nuisance I hardly wanted anything to do with it. But then I saw this very beautiful film about Martin Luther, a German monk who started the Reformation, and before he started the Reformation, when he had yet to read a copy of the Bible, he used to pace around in his room and beg God to forgive him. He would beat himself up and argue with Satan and basically act pretty screwed up, but then later, when was able to read a copy of the Bible himself, he realized that all his redemption came through Christ, that what he really needed to do was place all his love and faith in Christ and Christ would take care of everything because Christ loved him.”

Oh, how it needs to be that simple for me. I’m in that place for conventional faith and the church ideology doesn’t cut it for me. Between my mother and the many doe eyed people I meet at church, I’m burnt out. Not to say I shouldn’t still look for a church home, but my desire is less than great. Don’t put your hands on me and take this time to pray. Don’t try to talk me out of my life because you can’t handle it. Don’t pity my soul because you’re feeling shaky about my eternity. Don’t. It’s not yours to handle nor is it your job to turn me around. If God uses you in my life then I’ll gain from it, you won’t. I hope that if He does use you, you never know. I honestly think my mother thinks my soul is in jeopardy because I’m searching my life out. I know this is how I use to be. I would get so worked up over my brother and wonder if his soul was in jeopardy. Maybe it is, but I can’t live my life according to his actions. I know I don’t want to listen to people sometimes, so who am I to make him see the light he’s not ready to see. We all have to face the light some time. Darkness can not hide forever. It just can’t.

Perhaps some of you are really great liars or some of you are great at telling the stories that just bend the truth. Perhaps some of you cheat on your spouses regularly. Some of you may enjoy stealing or cheating to get what you want. Either way, darkness does not hide forever. You can not conceal what is not yours to hide. Either it will eat you up or find it’s way toward the light. Some how, God is good at not letting us get too far. Remember that verse that said God only gives us what we can handle? Some times I think I’ve gone too far for forgiveness. Too far for freedom from my past. But, what God teaches me is that no past is too hard or too screwed up that he can clean.

I feel a mess, but with God’s help I’m learning to search for the things that really matter and realize Christ is all that matters. Slowly learning.