Jack of All…Asses?

I need to get into the writing/reading mood as I am about to dive into several pages of typical work lingo meshed into similar question/answer paragraphs of stuff I’m not 100% awake for.

I thought giving myself an extra shot this morning would help get me mentally started, but alas my eyes drift and my head feels heavy.

Last night had an opinion of myself I wish to ponder further on today. I am, as I have said before, a “Jack of All Trades”. There isn’t one thing in particular that I’m very good at besides organizing the heck out of a closet. I feel a bit thin and like a faint whisper of something I could be, but can’t seem to grasp it.

I started pondering how I got in this place again with work: Complacent, bored and tired. My boss said he never wanted to find me in this position again, but here I am trying rather hard to bust my ass on not, at the very least, appearing so to him. Loosing ones job is not on the market right now for me.

Just one month ago I was vibrant, full of passion and energy despite all the coffee I didn’t have in me. I was constantly moving and challenging myself to reach beyond the boarders of my own office and person. I was volunteering more and constantly moving in my personal life. There was little time for TV or lazy Sundays.

I think the hardest part about being where I am in the present moment is pulling myself out of it. It’s so easy to allow yourself to slip into a little work here and more fun there, but it is NOT easy trying to pull yourself back out. To remind yourself, though this work is terribly boring and not thought provoking in the slightest, I could make less boring. I could treat it as if it’s something important and dedicate more time to it. I find I do a great deal of that in my office, turning things into interesting things and such.

One would think it’s high time to get another job, but in this economy I think that is very unlikely. Though, if it weren’t for financial reasons, I would gladly take a Starbucks position for a little less boredom in the office. At least I would have free coffee and an unpredictable schedule. But, then again, I would not ever make enough to pay of my ridiculous debt I seem to keep collecting.

I hate talking about changing jobs anyways, with so many friends who have lost their jobs due to the tightening of the company budget. But, at the same time, I can’t pretend that I should sit in a place of unhappiness and be thankful for it either.  So often I accept that it is not the dose of happiness I should be looking for, but rather the need to improvement upon my character. I have, in the almost two years I’ve worked here, grown. Instead of running I have faced and, in some ways, defeated boredom and lack of passion in my current field of work. Though I do find the industry I work in stimulating and interesting, the work I physically do is quite the opposite.

But, again for the reason of economy and lack of options, I stay and work through it; wondering all the while when will I find that open door to a place that I can’t get enough of. One that I loose track of time in and some how find it always on my mind.

Jack of all trades…what to do with you.

I know we are ever changing people with life patterns not always predictable. I may find myself in another place in a year, another job, another town, but will I have mastered the ability to be good at one thing or do I embrace being “Jack”?

Once I read a blog from a woman who completely and whole heartedly embraced being a “Jack”. She made no apologies for not knowing something wholly, but knowing enough to carry on a conversation or knowing what to do next. I know I feel being a “Jack” is wrong because my father use to call it so, but perhaps that’s what I truly am. Perhaps that’s what makes me truly valuable to a job, home and group of friends. I’ve experienced, know and believe enough to get where people are coming from.

Meh…I digress, this isn’t suppose to be about person, but career. But then again I always whine about my career when I’m bored.

Damn this pit…how did I get in here and why can’t I freaking figure out a way to make my rope out of hair to throw out so someone can help me get out of here?

This is the Journey

As I sit here on a Tuesday morning waiting for the coffee to hit me, I realize I’m secretly waiting for the moment in my life where I find myself on a normal workday NOT at an office, sitting in a cafe or on my porch, drinking coffee and typing my thoughts down.

I keep hoping that age will find me there and I will have not a care in the world in terms of my financial state. Sure, in some places (particularly Dallas) that is called a “Sugar Daddy”, but I believe that is not where I hope to find this financial freedom. I suppose I expect age to afford me all the blessing it has my parents and grandparents. I laugh at it, though, because I’m forgetting the journey.

Amy shared with me this most inspiring article written by a photographer and his encouragement to pursue past your fears and enjoy this ride, because it is the ride that’s worth the life. I must remember these blurring, often mindless hours of work I find not completely inspiring or exhilarating part of the process. I can not find my place in my work by merely walking into it; I will never be prepared for what God opens for me that way. It’s in these little, “why isn’t my coffee doing the trick” moments I must remember He is good and faithful, and I will not be here forever. Though forever seems to etch on in a motionless time here (sometimes) it is not long (I hope) that I’ll start to see what He’s getting at.

So, in the meantime I must ask myself “why is this coffee taking so damn long.”

Pedigree of Convention Versus Desperation

I often find myself thrown into the “does this really work” mentality at work. Not that I”m educated in such fields of design, layout or even type, but in some way I feel more qualified to ask that question.

I flip through various pieces we send to potential clients and wonder, “do we really try to say something different with our words and design or are we merely just trying to get the job done?”

I find myself in this place, yet again, wondering how I got here and why I’m lingering for so long? I want to make a difference and change something in a big way, but the pushing of this giant boulder up the hill is seeming a little redundant. I’m partially expecting it to roll back on top of me and flatten my direction as a 20 something employee.

I should be happy I have a job and rejoice in my steady paycheck I always count before my chickens have reached the bank, but I wonder each and every Monday “why?” Not “why can’t I find that dream job and …”, but rather “why can’t I seem to get past this hump?” Proposal generation has slowed down drastically and I’m no longer the go-to girl of the office. Not sure of the change in the amount of work I usually had thrown at me, but part of me is not entirely sad of the fact. I’m having to create things for me to do, thus bringing me to the question “is the chopping block about to hit my head?” Am I the next person to be laid off due to this halt in our construction industry? If so, why me? I’m not the best in design in terms of designers, but I feel like I have a few legs up here on the variety I can offer.

Right now, as three co-workers busily move about for a project across the states, I sit here making up things to pursue because “must not seem bored” lest my boss have to talk with me again on “whether or not I really like my job.”

“Really like my job”…what a rarity. I hate it when people gush over their love of their jobs because it shoves my face into the mirror of “how I’m not my job’s biggest fan”. First of all, I sit behind a desk when I should be with people talking and making things happen.

There could be an opportunity, even though as each passing month ends I feel less confident, for me to move to our Phoenix office. There’s a need but no budget. “Hello” risk, but that I would love. I would love to be needed and able to do more than sit here and be a design monkey. Sorry, Amy.

I think the worst part is I don’t look good on paper. For me to pursue another adventure would be direct contact and winning them over with my personality and passion.

On top of that, my second plan was to stick through these tough times at my job and volunteer like crazy. Funny enough no one is interested in my volunteering in a committee, program aspect. What? Really?

I guess the real question is: Am I desperate enough to take what comes my way here or am I empowered enough to kick conventions ass and make my own way? I’m hoping for the latter.

Sugar Daddy…I Need One

Lay-offs. No one wants to talk about them but EVERYONE is now talking about them. The toll is up and so far it’s FIVE people I know that have been let go in the past three months. Maybe that’s good in terms of other places in the US, but five is all too many for me to feel safe in my industry. 

They said we were safe because our city was doing better than normal and my industry was kicking ass through the 2009 calendar. Now, I’m not very sure. 

Lately, I’ve been wondering if I’ve been getting signs that it’s coming. Maybe it’s just fear making me think these signs are all pointing towards whatever, but hear me out. Whether it’s when I spend money, talk about my job or something similar to both I get a sick feeling in  my gut. I normally don’t get that feeling unless I know something is coming. Some times I’m right and some times I’m wrong. Wouldn’t this be the worst time to be right?

I’ve heard that your best defense against fear is a back up plan. What would be my back up plan? I was going to say Starbucks or random shifts at the local hospitals, but now that other people might beat me to the punch, what now? Still keep said plan? What happened to my plan to just get a better job AT a hospital? Yeah…working on it. I guess I should be working a little harder at now, huh? 

Okay, Fear…you don’t own me. You don’t change anything by being my friend. Instead you just waste my time. I need you to take a swift step backwards and tell me you’ll never talk to me again. Yeah, I know we’re not the best of friends, well except for that one time, but let’s bury the past shall we? You’ve never been good for me. You just tell me things that make my mind never stop. Sometimes your words hunt my dreams and that’s never cool. You first romance me with a rush of emotions then you take me out to a nice seafood dinner and never call me again. You leave me waiting for the news, paralyzed to do something about your bad memories. I’m over you. Yeah, maybe I just decided that we were threw, but whatever. I’m asking you to leave and please don’t call again. Oh, and if you could please stop talking to my Dad, too that would be great. Getting him on your side is never going to get me back.

“This Bird Has Wings”

A new year and hopefully a new me is on the horizon. By new me I mean going to the gym more, new hair cuts, nails finally being painted and most of all pursuing my passion with actual steps. 

I’ve been so terrified to do anything about what’s sitting right in front of me that I’ve done nothing what-so-ever. Instead of moving forward, chasing down my options and taking those first steps I’m sitting here shopping uncontrollably and eating more passionately than my waistband would allow. Those are me two responses for things I’m scared of. 

I found this job yesterday with a local hospital here that I know I could do, but I’m frozen in NOT knowing how to move towards it. I’m NOT submitting a application online, but I don’t know anyone within the system. So instead of just working my magic to get in there I sit here, working at a job that screams for me to leave and drink my Starbucks. WTF? 

In other news, I won’t be starting my prerequisites this semester. Sorry Tracy, but I can’t swing the cost until summer (hopefully). So, right now I only have to work on a new job. That’s it. 

I’m ready to stop laying on the bottom of this “I can’t do” attitude, but have no, absolutely no idea how get out of it. I feel like I’m in a hole with no rope to help pull me out. Some how in the last five years I’ve ended up here. I get scared and don’t do anything but freeze. I use to fight, so what’s the deal here?

PS I finally got Internet at my house so hopefully that leads to bigger and better things to come in my search.

God In The Workplace

I have to vent this out right now or I might explode.

Last night, I was trying to pray but due to recent fear of loosing my job, buying a home then loosing my job and finding a new job before I loose my job I couldn’t even think of what to say. So, as I sit there glazed over by “blah”, I realized I started feeling claustrophobic in my skin again. This time it was about God. I started to feel trapped and like I was being shoved into this direction I didn’t want to go. My heart, my head, my whole person wanted so badly to be with God, but the direction in which I was going to get there I hated. I became angry, uneasy and then exploded with words I didn’t know I had the power to posses. I can’t even remember what I said except for the general concept of “I know it’s not you (meaning God), but I can’t be a Christ follower this way. It pulls against everything I am.” What way?

The way of everyone else I’ve ever known. Not that I’m about to start my own religion or go Jim Johns on anyone, but I can’t do “Christian” like everyone else. Why was I feeling this way? What was making me pull back so hard from everything I knew? Was it from college and the over preaching? Possibly, but that had been such a long time ago. Was it coming from my parents? Yeah, but I’ve been keeping my distance from them, so why would this be so strong? Then this morning, it hits me: It’s work. 

I work for an Employee-Owned company, which basically means we’re privately owned. In our mission statement or any where in our company’s history have we been founded on Christian principals. We’re not like the United States founded upon God, but rather ran by the majority Christians. We don’t have prayer rooms or anything, but it feels that way. 

In a way, I should have seen this coming, but I didn’t. In my interview I was asked about what I did in my free time. At the time I didn’t do much to talk about and so I said the one thing I was doing: Going to church. I mentioned a church that my boss had formally gone to and we hit it off from there. I was hired within 24 hours. When that conversation had happened between me and I my boss I didn’t think anything of it. I had, point blank, on my resume a degree from a well known Christian university. I like to tell people I’m a Christ follower because, at the core of who I am, that’s who I am. I like to get it out there and let people know so when I talk about Him in reference to “Him” you know who I’m talking about. God is as real in my life as my parents, friends and, even so, my co-workers. 

When I was in college, we were required to go to all these chapel meetings to talk about religion and the media. I was a PR major and we learned real quick the constitution and what freedoms, as Americans (never mind the Americans who are gay, but we’ll talk about that later), we posses. One such freedom is to choose ones religion. Hell, even God Himself gives us that freedom. It drive me crazy when people, stupid people, don’t. 

I’m a big believer that faith is between you and God. It’s about you and Him with no one else. I believe the Church is the body of Christ that pulls us together so in larger numbers we can change the world physically and spiritually. Maybe I have it wrong and Jesus would act the way certain people around my office seem to think He does, but I’ve been on the other side of the fence. I mean, I’ve been there wish whoever was preaching to me about whatever would just stop. I didn’t want to hear it and my heart would harden every time they said something. I’ve been there and know that you can not drill something into someones head and expect them to automatically love God. Not possible, not going to ever be possible. 

I’m throwing out there all the things I agree with so you realize that I’m not against God, people who follow Him or live their lives trying to preach the good news. I’m all for it and if they are able to reach people in a way that speaks to them, great! What I don’t like is feeling berated because I don’t see things your way. 

I know you’re asking yourself why won’t she just get to the point and her it is: Do not bring God to work unless He’s just going to stick around you. Okay, that sounds wrong. What I mean is, when you work in corporate America you can not (by law) chastise a fellow co-worker about their view on religion or what they believe. You can’t. Unless we were friends and I openly started communicating with you about our differences, don’t start. Also, if I did openly start communicating with you about God and religion don’t make it out to be I’m wrong and you’re right. Realize that we’re not sitting in church together, we’re not talking over a pot of coffee at your kitchen table and you can not tell me I’m wrong to believe what I believe in the office. You can’t do that! It’s against the law and creates a huge crack in the foundation of our office. 

This morning, I was telling my boss the humorous story how my mother didn’t want to have to make Halloween consumes two years in a row so we had to wear our Nativity scene costumes (Mary and Joseph) for Halloween. I was laughing about it because I thought it was funny and wanted to share. In saying that, my boss chuckled and then followed with “is that why you’re so turned off to religion?”  What the fuck. 

First of all, when did I tell you I was turned off to religion and secondly, why would you say that to your employee? I could see the joke and laugh like a friend has said it IF my boss and I were, in fact, friends. Sure, we all laugh and can have good times, but we’re all far from friends. There’s no communication in our department and there are levels that no one speaks about. Levels like “we don’t include you funny emails because you’re new even though you’ve been here a year” or “church going people”.  A co-worker and I actually get chastise (with humor as it’s disguise) for drinking. We’re called “boozers” more often than we’re told “good job”. 

The hard part is I’m not easily offended in the office when it comes to people’s personal space and characters. I just don’t understand how this office works. 

I am more uncomfortable about God/religion/church here than I was ever in my CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY or in my last job. Hell, my last job was family owned and if they wanted to pray over things and talk about God in their history they could! 

What is the hardest thing to handle is what do I do next? We have a company hotline I could call and make a complaint, but what would the point be? There are two new people (including myself) and everyone else has been working here so long they would know it was one of us. Plus, I don’t think they would manage their behavior in the right way either. I want to say it to their faces but then worry what if I get fired? I guess thus the more reason to get out of here and go some where else. 

It’s just so sad to me that they don’t even realize that their desire to bring us closer to God turns us farther away.

Mock-Up Me

Here I am, needing to write again for work with little to no energy or brain power. Forgive the rambling in advance if you choose to read on.

I actually have been MIA on this site for a few days now. In fact, I’ve been MIA on my website plans all together. “What’s happened,” you ask? Well…among a million things:

1. I’ve come out to my mother (only to be rejected and told I need help followed with “I will always love you”)
2. I have found myself further and further in the hole regarding income and lack there of
3. I’ve taken up tennis and am very sore from the bad playing I served up yesterday
4. I nearly died from eating a dried-red pepper last night only to be soothed by a nice glass of milk (saves burning esophagus)
5. I have found my secret passion for hospital yet again and am eager to start pursuing my education in that direction
6. I have developed a new fear of walking to work since someone I know knows a girl that was almost kidnapped jogging on a main road with people ALL AROUND
7. I deperately want to form a bookclub, but the only people who want to participate are friends contingent on the on/off moments between me and my ex, so I have to keep searching.
8. I had an MRI last week (in the midst of telling my mom I’m bi) and am awaiting the results with eager ears.

With all those things above, I’m find myself either in deep thought or pushing what I’m not ready to deal with further away.

Today, I see my career councilor and I couldn’t be more excited. I want to move through this “discovery” process so fast because I want to jump into my dreams of working in a hospital. Not a doctor (although that would be cool), but more along the lines of clerical staff versus clinical. I actually was told about this 13 month course you could take toward becoming a certified Medical Assistant. Doesn’t really sound all that glamorous, but the way this nurse told me about it was that a) you can figure out if you even like this sort of work b) will have a “medical foot” in the door in terms of what you can offer a hospital. That doesn’t sound too bad. Must research that.

Part of me hasn’t wanted to really think much about what my mom said to me last week because I don’t want to give her the ability to affect me while I’m still weak. I’m tired, taking meds that bring down my mood and just don’t want to turn “left” when I should have just stayed straight where I was going. I just started thinking about how “if” I were to choose to be with a woman for the rest of my life I want kids. I want tons of kids. I’m a BIG believer in large families and would adopt several right away as soon as I got married. I don’t think I could do that any where near my parents. I would actually have to move if I decided to do that. I don’t think that bothers me nearly as much as knowing how hard it would be knowing my mom’s opinion of me. That’s why I haven’t stopped to think about it, which I’m sure I should. I just don’t want her opinion to effect my opinion or shape my thoughts. I love my parents and wouldn’t trade them for anything, but we’re completely different. I want things they don’t want or understand. I’m just tired of feeling like they have control over me. Control to make me feel bad or make me wish I were different. Eh…I hate this feeling. I’m also really tired and emotions are high so I’m sure once I wake up and snap out of it, I’ll think differently. The beauty of writing a blog under the emotions.

What I know I DO want is freedom, new place to live and the best job ever! Too much to ask for? I don’t think so. Seattle or Chicago, here I come! Well, here I come eventually.

San Diego, Bitches

In saying “bitches” I’m not really referring to you, but to the general public that never thought I would travel. So if that is you, then “listen up, bitch… I’m going to San Diego for work next week”. I couldn’t be more excited. This will be the first opportunity I’ve had at my new job to travel. The whole traveling thing for my company, in regards to me, is obsolete. It turns out the colleague that is working on the current project will be taking her holiday next week and won’t be able to go, thus enters me. I love being back up.

I’ve never been to California. It’s always seemed California was the coast I would never visit. Up until this point the furthest west I’ve ever been was West Texas. For those of you who’ve been there know that’s not really saying much.

I doubt I’ll have oodles of time to explore the area or see the beach, but I’m packing the swimsuit just in case I have an hour for lunch or something. I don’t really even know what to expect. I don’t know how long I’ll be working or what sort of time to myself I can expect. I’ve got a feeling I’ll be away from anything fun. We’ll probably be lodged in some simple hotel 45 minutes from good times. Oh, did I say I was the only young person/girl going? Yeah, me and many career-seasoned men. I wonder if I can drink on the company dollar? Hmm…

The lucky one in this whole arrangement is Amy. She gets to watch Molly while I’m gone. Oh, she’s such a good friend.

After Thoughts

Hours ago I met with my Career Councilor (CC) at this local restaurant in town. First, let me comment on  the gorgeous scenery that sat around us. All these chiseled men in sharp suits with perfect smiles…just lovely. Then there were these “I do nothing but spend my husband’s money” type of women. These I could have done with out (I think secretly I was jealous of their schedule and spending abilities.) Hot men aside, the meeting was great.

We were able to come up with some skills to be bartered and I start my first career session tomorrow! Yeah! I can’t wait to have that “Ah Ha” moment where everything becomes clearer and I find my passion in the form of a paying job. Yes!

Another thought: gay parents. Before you start emailing me hate letters or commenting mean things, I’m not saying it’s bad. If you disagree, then please keep your comments to yourself. Not that I’m not interested, but I’m tired of being told what’s right and wrong in the standards of people I don’t know. Well, for that matter people I do know, too.

What got me started was this past Memorial Day weekend of drinking with friend’s friends who just had a baby six weeks ago. Yes, they were a lesbian couple and so happy to have their pride of joy finally in their lives. Because I’m too deep for my own good, thoughts about “could I do that” and “am I ready” began to flood my mind. Currently my lady is more man than lady, so IF we were serious (which we’re not) I would be the one to have the baby. That’s okay because I want tons of children. I don’t want to have them all, but I want at least four children. I do plan on adopting gay or straight.

But, today I started reading some fabulous blogs on Lesbians with babies. There’s something that I PERSONALLY struggle with in my OWN life about that. Not that I don’t think it is a possibility for me, but just the logistics of it all. I have this old mindset passed down from my parents, from their parents and so on that I just doesn’t know how to feel.

I’m so happy that California is allowing same-sex marriage because I’m a person of equal opportunities and fairness. (Side note: I’m a far right Democrat or far left conservative that believes in God, equal rights, freedom of choice and forgiveness.) So, don’t interpret this blog to be about being against it, but just another blog on my personal understanding of this path I’m on.

I guess my pain in life is that I could be with a man or a woman, so I see life a little bit differently. I could be with a man and just go about normally as I thought I would my whole life or I could be with a woman and start talking sperm banks and what not. Oh, that really creeps ME out just because I’ve never know experienced it in my life.

I don’t know my future and I could marry a man or “marry” a woman, but right now I don’t know if I could be a “Mommy 2″. I guess that’s why I’m not married or in love. I’m no were near ready. No where near ready.

I tell you what, when I do have children I’m going to be a whole lot more understanding of their life choices because of this. Wish my parents would be of mine, but that’s a whole other story.

Coffee…Dark and Good

There’s something to be said about the smell of a good cup of coffee right before you drink it. I like to savor these little moments because for just a second I’m out of the office, sitting on a patio of my favorite cafe, with casual clothes on thinking only about that next sip. Ah, damn…reality and I’m at my desk spilling it all over my self. Damn.

Well, on to better news than my coffee stained top, I have a meeting today with my career councilor to talk about what I can barter with for her time on helping me achieve the inner job-chi (is that even spelled right?). Bartering…I don’t know if I’m really that good at it, but I’m going to give it a go. Something, ANYTHING has to be better than where I am right now.

God and I talked it over the other day and I’ve come to peace with the fact that THIS job is just a temporary fill for what’s to come. In other words, I’ll keep making money while I try to figure it out before I leave. Yes, good plan. Well, except for the fact that it’s overly annoying to be here and I actually feel claustrophobic around 5:00 p.m…

Sorry, I just was interrupted with work. Gesh, the nerve. (Totally kidding because I DO realize I still have to work here regardless how I feel.)

Like I was telling my girlfriend a couple of weekends ago, I want to have my own schedule and not feel like I have to work for the man. I think for the first time in a long time I really don’t like the man. I thought I would love the corporate life, but seriously it sucks. I’m over it and am ready for steady, ready fun in the small business, but still kick your ass in work kind. Yeah, that’s what I’m ready for.

I’m hoping that my lunch meeting with Career Councilor is going to open my eyes a little more the mystery that is my career life. I’m so ready to quit the job I’m in and start working from scratch on my friend’s photography business. Check it out…it’s amazing. Oh, but I have to warn you the website is under maintenance, so the blog isn’t there but her portfolio is and she’s kick ass.