“You’re hot then your cold…”

I’ve been horribly naughty lately. Amy and I have declared “peace” and I can’t seem to get it into gear. Here I was this strong, capable person who could look their beloved in the face and say, “No, you need to date and please let’s learn to get over this hump of weirdness between us.” After all, we’re wanting to stay friends after our breakup, so it becomes essential that we move on as fast as we can. 

Our trouble lies in the moments of “no one’s looking” and “who cares if we slip here and there”. The only way we’ve been able to NOT do that is for me to treat this girl that she’s dating as her girlfriend. I do not want to be a cheater and I’ve promised myself I would never hurt anyone ever again! We have already gone over the many reasons as to why it’s not fair for us to be in a relationship. It’s the strangest thing that two people in love are not able to be together. Regardless of my issues with same-sex relationships for myself, we had things that were not good for one another. It speaks volumes about your relationship when you break up and both parties become healthier, better individuals. It isn’t like we’ve fallen apart and have stopped breathing. In fact, we’re doing so much better that the only thing that hurts anymore is our hearts. 

I was thinking about the travisty of love and the wrangled mess your heart puts itself through to be in such a state. You allow gastly things to happen in exchange for the one organizim that keeps you alive. You step on or get stepped on. You say things that you haven’t thought a day in your life in order to just make the other person feel helpless with out you. You put everything on the line for them because of those four letters: LOVE. 

Anyways, I’ve been a naughty best friend and have been completely off course for the past day. Someone how I feel like I’m back in that retch of a relationship with Anna and I’m having to interrogate to feel better. I ask, “Has she meet all your friends?”, “Is she included on emails?”, “Do you want to have her babies?”. Okay, maybe not that last one because it’s gross a question best left for the shocking baby shower announcement that titles “I’m Having Her Baby and You Missed Out”. 

I think my biggest f ear, aside from never getting to love her again, is that I’m loosing her. Not only am I going to looser her but all the friends I’ve made with her. What if they like her more and since everyone is already coupled I would be the odd-man out and therefore to be only talked about in remembrance of “that girl with the weird name”. 

How does one tell these friends, “Hey, I’m still here. I still want to be apart of your lives and want you to be apart of mine. Is it because I’m not with Amy I’m no longer cool?”…okay, I wouldn’t say that last part, but something along those lines. How does one do that? 

I just feel like I’m fading; like my color is going from bright shades of belonging to greys of separation. Here’s the breakdown of the group there are three couples total: Amy + _____; Angela + Alicia, Teal + Deana; Nicole + Jill.

Perhaps I should not excuse things, but I don’t know how not to. Angela and Alicia have their own lives (and they are also Amy’s best friends). Teal and Deana just moved into their new, first home. Nicole and Jill are a new couple only interested in each other, which I can totally understand and not blame them. I think by being the single one I’ll only be invited to birthdays (maybe), parties and random Sunday drinking days. We’re I’ll be left off is game nights, Rockband nights, dinners out, and whatever little random “let’s hang out” things. I’m just angry that we’re heading this way. Do I say something? Do I send an email and say, “hey, listen, I want to be your friend and who cares if I’m single. Let’s get a table for 7 and let me be the one to entertain.” 

I just don’t want to disappear, but don’t want to be crashing any parties either. Has anyone been there? What did you do? Did you care and just showed up anyways?

Silently Breaking

They have no idea,
They can not see why,
Every time you put the phone to your ear and secretly want to cry.

“Why are you so down”,
“Why are you sick”,
“Why are things different with you?”.

I’m silently breaking.
My heart is pulling apart.
They’re making me walk away from the love of my heart.

I don’t know how to stand there,
Pretend like things don’t change.
I wear every emotion on my sleeve.

Silently breaking,
I can not say a word.
They have no idea who she is or why she steals my mood.

Singletons…We Must All Stick Together

So, recently I’m single, Nicole’s single and Amber’s single. Three girls that are suppose to meet up tonight to just be amongst friends. Plans were to go to local spot for $2 beers and live music, but due to Amber’s and Nicole’s ex-girlfriends we have to find another route. Knowing full well we were going to be there first, these sassy ladies decide to push out our little plan and make us planless. Jerks.

I don’t blame Nicole or Amber for not wanting to go and be in the presence of their ex-girlfriends. Although Amy and I did not break up as harshly as I think they did, it would still be hard. Well, it would be harder for she and I because we’re currently on “separational break”. As I was telling you several blogs ago, I met this woman on my plane to San Diego who said some amazing stuff that got me thinking, which revealed I actually do love Amy, but am not ready for commitment yet. With that, we’re taking a full month break from talking to each other so that way we can think emotion free how to move forward. Amy has to figure out if she wants to deal with my flippy-floppy self and I have to figure out if I’m ready to take the next step toward being truly committed to her. Well, not to say I wasn’t before, but took my falling in out of the relationship to be a sign to break up. If I move forward I plan on fighting past those moments for the relationship, her and my personal relationship growth. So, it would be hard to see Amy knowing I still have some time to go before I can do whatever with our relationship. Wow, that was a side note.

Back to issue: plans may be stopped because of rotten ex’s. Just not fair. What’s not fair is what breaking up does to our (meaning girls) self esteem. For some reason, many of us find ourselves out a relationship in the worst times of our personal lives. We’re either facing financial mountains, passionless jobs or crazy family. What you would think would encourage us and make us sink our teeth into fixing these problems does completely the opposite. I think that’s why I’m trying to stay busy. Some very wise woman (my mother) told me to keep moving after a break up: Don’t stop and don’t let yourself be alone unless you really need it. She’s right, you know. The moment you allow yourself to sit in your misery, aloneness or sad story you find yourself right where the devil (yeah, him) wants you. You start doubting your beauty, personality, health, mind and everything else lovely. You start down a path that cripples your spirit and next thing you know you’ve got quite a journey on your hands toward normalcy.

I think that’s where I am. Not because of Amy at all, but because I never really recovered from the blow Anna gave me. I’m continually fighting old habits that warp my confident identity and set me up for relationship failure. I blame some of my reasons I can’t get straight with Amy (oxymoron) from my relationship with Anna AND David. Yeah, let’s throw him in there. He’s the guy I thought I was going to marry. I thought he was it and waited (get this) four years for. FOUR FUCKING YEARS FOR. Yeah, and I didn’t even tell you we dated only one out of those four years. What the fuck, right? I know.

Fact is, our break ups have the powerful effect of breaking not only our hearts (natural) but our lives, too. Sometimes that warranted because the relationship was either great or highly emotional so it seems the world is ending for those reasons. Other times we just find ourselves responding to life as if we can’t go on when that person was a dick and needed to go. Girls…we’re all the same. Well, most of us anyway.

Nick, if you’re reading, I know you were in a relationship with a girl that made you feel this way. I think that’s why I like reading your blog. You’re completely honest and very much a guy. It’s refreshing to know I’m not the only one have to rebuild.

Anyways, I’m hoping I can pull Amber out tonight even if it’s a night in with a pizza and movie. We need to pull each other up because the worst thing we can do to our friends is let them go home, turn off the lights and never move on. I think i read some where that for every month you dated someone it takes two more to get over them? I think that’s right…either way, it speaks truth. It always takes longer to get over someone, but when you finally do and you did it in a healthy way it feels so good. Plus, you can know the next relationship will start out on the healthy foot versus the one that only moves backwards making you trip over yourself in front of someone new. Now, that’s fun.

Party #1

Tonight was my first party without Amy.

It was a group of friends she knew through me. We always went together to these parties. We were the good party couple. We could mingle like no one’s business. She would meet people and I would meet people. By the middle of the night we would end up back together with five new couple friends. In fact, we stayed in contact with several of those couple friends well past our party adventure with them.

It was weird not having her there.

Some knew and some didn’t know about our break up. I’m sure me having to talk about it made it that much worse, but it was sad none the less. It felt like part of me was missing or that I wasn’t as interesting without her. The conversations were totally on my shoulders to maintain. For Example: It’s like you walk into a room of mostly strangers. At first you would think, “Wow, I have to make my rounds and hopefully find people to talk to rather than stand by the cheese plate alone.” But then, you realize you didn’t come alone and if you find yourself grazing alone you can always search for your other half and chat it up with the people they’re talking to. Never alone, never looking like you’re of no interest.

Hell, I remember the Christmas party we went to and what fun that was. Seriously. We were outside the majority of the night, huddled around those heating lamps drinking wine and laughing until we cried with complete strangers. We made some great friends at that party.

Amy and I liked to think we were the party people you wanted at your gatherings. We would make sure no one around us was bored, not talking or alone.

Tonight…well, I spoke to only those I knew and were some times alone. I tried to play it off with the whole “I’m looking at the pictures in your house, so it seems I’m choosing to be alone and am okay standing in your living room full of people with no one to talk to.”

I guess there are always baby steps, right? Mine are just making sure I stay out of the house and active. I know she’s at a party tonight, too. Wonder if she feels the same way? I hope not. I hope she didn’t even think about it.

FUCK

In cases like this I just want to say “fuck”.

Forgive me if that word is offensive to you. Hey, I sit aside listening to people say “JC” and “”GD” all day while inside it burns me up… I guess that doesn’t really equal out, but please let it pass.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! (My mother would be so proud.)

I can’t even believe I just read that! I just read a post that my ex put on her blog either last night or this morning and I’m so irritated by something. She said she was a “schmuck” when it came to me. What the fuck? What in the world does that mean?

I have never been more honest about myself in a relationship before. I ALWAYS fucking told her how I felt about our relationship. I always told her when I was in it and when I wasn’t. (<- Right there. Right fucking there. Does that NOT seem to be a red flag if someone is some times in it or not? Was I wrong in thinking it wasn’t fair, nice or all things selfish to put someone through that? Through a relationship that wasn’t always interested in being one? What the fuck?!)

You know, she could possibly be the one, but I’m in NO possible way of knowing that.
In fact, I don’t want to know.
I don’t want to know right now.
I’m not interested in knowing.
I don’t want to be in love.
I don’t want to get married yet.
I don’t want to feel any sort of future tingling yet
I’m too fucking young.

I haven’t dated enough people to know who I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I haven’t experienced enough life yet to know who I could possibly be able to spend the rest of my life with.

I just know I miss her.

I don’t miss the way I felt when she was wanting to kiss me and I wasn’t wanting it (felt like crap). I don’t miss how I could never feel 100% in the relationship. I’ve NEVER felt that way before. I was either in it or I wasn’t. To flop back and forth was a miserable experience. I have never felt more like an ass in my entire life. I felt like I was being selfish and just wanting the relationship when “I” wanted it. Not the other way around. How fucking fair is that?

Sure, sure, she says she just wanted simple. Well, I was anything but simple. I would have thought SHE would be relieved to see me go. She wouldn’t have to deal with someone saying, “let’s just not see each other for a while” or “I’m just not feeling in the relationship mood, but come over and chill with me anyways.”

You know, the past day has sucked. You’re thinking, “Yeah, it’s only been one day and the first one at that.” True. I know that’s true. The one good thing is I am having to figure my shit out (i.e. I’m too selfish and want things done my way.) I wanted to constantly shape her into what I wanted her to be: organized, clean freak and decisive. All things she naturally is not.

I’m not happy with the way I behaved in our relationship. I need to get my life straight before I’m able to put “fight” into a relationship that may work forever. Like I said, I have absolutely no clue if she could be the one for the long run. Perhaps when I’ve done my own thing for a while and have better mastered my single self, I would be able to put that effort in. She’s a good one and I’m sure will be picked up by then, but I have to take that chance for me right now. I can’t keep going in the way our relationship worked.

No Words

I broke up with my girlfriend.

I debated whether or not to post on this topic right away, but seeing how this is my blog about my emotions I am going to post.

I really have no words right now. I’m writing more out of the numbed darkness in my head. I hear you ask, “If you feel that way, why did YOU break up with her?” The best way I know how to tell you is through this song “Haley” by Needtobreathe. I was tired of treating the person I care most for like she wasn’t important enough to know/stay/remain/exist in feelings toward our relationship. Nothing to do with being a woman dating a woman. Something changed and I couldn’t ask her to excuse my behavior any more. It was too selfish, too much like my ex. One person I never want to be. Amy I’m so sorry.

If you don’t know just how you feel,
Don’t say those sweet things that you know I’d wanna hear
And if you don’t know, just what to think
then put your thoughts away and keep them out of reach

Haley don’t hurt me if you don’t know
I could have moved on long time ago
You’re undecided your eyes do show
Haley don’t hurt me if you don’t know

If you don’t know just where we are
Then slowly step away before we get too far
If you don’t know just where you stand
Don’t brace a fall you may never want to land

Haley don’t hurt me if you don’t know
I could have moved on long time ago
You’re undecided your eyes do show
Haley don’t hurt me if you don’t know

We’re on and off again
It’s more than I can stand
Just let me know if you’re for real this time
Your voice it shook again
Reminded me of when
We talked our way to the end

Haley don’t hurt me if you don’t know
I could have moved on long time ago
You’re undecided your eyes do show
Haley don’t hurt me if you don’t know

“You’re So Gay”

Okay, let me take, yet another blog to discuss being gay. Well, I’m not saying I’m fully gay, but it seems more each day I’m getting there.

I started this whole happening with a thought in college. This was a thought pushed away from thoughts before it, this time only too strong to push out. It engrossed me and became all I could think about. I was completely turned on by the idea of being with girl. Everything in me screamed “hide it, hide it” and so I did. I prayed for it to go away and it was gone the next morning. Weird, huh?

As I pushed it as far back as I could I thought, “Wow, that was a close one.” Like being gay was something you could catch and I was almost a goner. Right. But, hey, this old school, Southern raised Christian was afraid of anything she didn’t understand. I was completely alright with gay men growing up. It was the lesbians that freaked me out. Now that I think about it, they didn’t freak me out so much as I was scared I was one of them.

I don’t know if it’s me fooling myself into thinking that I had early thoughts of being gay or if it really is the truth, but since I’ve allowed myself to go there and feel it out, I’ve discovered that it may not be as “untouched” as I thought. I can remember in high school finding out that one of my fellow team mates was a lesbian and I got all worried like, “Would she want me?” or “Is she looking at me”. You know, the typical straight girl dance that happens nearly every time they find out one of their friends is a lesbian. I wasn’t upset that she was, but more worried that I would be wanted. Ha! If anyone could have seen me back then, you would have asked yourself “Why would SHE be wanted?” I don’t mean to say that I was ugly or anything, but my small, non-bust frame was the last thing I’m sure she wanted.

After the day of “I could catch it” ran through my head I pretended like everything was okay. For a while I was worried someone would find out and then I would be in trouble. Remember, I went to a small Christian university in the middle of no where with people who’s values were as tightly laced as Joan Rivers face is to her skeleton. These were small minds with huge, gossiping tongues. After THAT day faded into my distant memory, I didn’t think another thing about it until I saw “The OC”.

No, I don’t really like this show, but its drama sucked me in one night during the summer of countless reruns. I’m watching wondering who’s going to cheat on whom and BAM there it is: Lesbian loving. “What the hell,” I thought to myself. Why can’t I just get away from this? What was the hardest thing for me to come to grips with was I LIKED IT. It actually turned me on and I kept thinking, “That’s it, I’ve caught it.” So, I push it far back once again hoping to not deal with it until I was far from school and my parents. Lucky for me that didn’t happen.

Her name was Anna and I didn’t see it coming. What started out a friend crush (everyone has them) turned into a romance so dramatic and emotional it took almost six months to pull away from. I still have moments when I wonder what she’s doing. Gross.

This relationship was the most dramatic relationship I’ve EVER been in. Hell, it could have been a show. There were secret love affairs, cheating lovers, dark secrets, blackmail and emotional fights. I can honestly say I have lived the life of a TV show on ABC. Grey’s Anatomy has nothing on me. Okay, maybe they have a little bit more seeing how I’m no longer in connection with Anna or her OTHER lovers.

What kept that relationship going, besides the emotional drama and dependency, was the thought “this is it.” I kept telling myself this was only a moment where I would let myself do what I wanted to do and then call it quiets. After all I DID like men and wanted to date guys that weren’t looking to find their wife and shop at Hollister. (Note: I have nothing against these types of guys, but they’re just not what I would be looking for in a guy. Also, I doubt these kinds of guys would not be looking for a girl like me either.)

I kept telling myself that it was only a fling and I wasn’t really gay. I still liked men and wasn’t about to say I was “bi”. Bisexual was the term girls used in high school for experiment with boys and girls. I’m NOT an experimenter. I did not wish to be labeled as a person who sexually played the field. Sex is a bit more important to me and I don’t want to just do it with anyone. Thus the reason I don’t like one night stands, but I’m digressing.

Where was I…oh yes, “thinking it was over”. I didn’t want to end being with a girl, but was ready to get out of that tumultuous relationship. Nothing good ever came from being with her. If anything I became worse in person because of our horrible relationship. It was really at it’s best for the first three months, then she cheated on me and it was never the same. (Side Note: Why do we hold on to things that just make us worse?)

At the close of our nasty relationship (which, could have only ended in a nasty way), I put being with girls behind me. I thought that was it and it was time I became serious with men. I had always wanted to date, but was too picky for half the guys I ever went to school with. Now that I was free and able to do what I wanted, I was ready to date serious, hard working guys. Then I met Amy.

Amy is a complicated matter, because it wasn’t suppose to happen the way it did. We were friends that worked together and started hanging out together outside of work. She was the first person I really told about my relationship with Anna. Lisa was the first, but Amy was someone who understood from personal experience (she being a lesbian herself). So, through that we had an instant bond. I think I was a little enamored at first with her. She’s eight years my senior and is a well accomplished graphic artist. She had lived in the city for the majority of her early twenties and knew a lot about things around town. I had puppy eyes for her. She quickly became my best friend. What I keep failing to mention is that she was married. Yes, not legally, but in the state of all gay relationships emotionally (which, might as well be as bonded as with a wedding certificate). She was married to a very talented teacher that I also liked very much. Now, before you get all dirty wondering if this is going to turn into a “three’s company” affair, let me stop you right now. There was no sneaky-sneak between any of us. No, no…don’t go there.

What was a great friendship quickly turned into infatuation. The attraction between the two of us resulted in our friendship and work relationship ending very quickly. Neither of us were about to go there. After some time, I started dating a guy I met in a bar. Key Note for the Ladies: Don’t date a guy you meet in a bar. He was boring and totally not interested in me except for sex. Ehh…I was so over him, but kept dating him anyways. It was like I had to prove to myself I still liked guys. Too bad I picked the wrong guy to date. He was cute to look at, but not much else.

After spending some time alone, collecting my thoughts, I just gave up figuring it out. I thought the right guy would come along when I least expected it and I wasn’t able to get all hot and bothered by it not happening fast enough. I wasn’t looking to get married, but have a good conversation with someone that challenged me. So far, only one guy ever met that. David’s old news and dates too far back to go into, but he’s been the only guy.

Funny enough, Amy and I picked up our friendship again. She and her partner were having trouble well before I got there, and I guess I just made it worse because three months later they split up. Several months after that we started dating. I went back and forth on if I was gay and I had to know in order to date her. I wanted to tell my parents and jump to all sorts of conclusions about myself that have totally changed since then. I didn’t know what to think about it. We were constantly on and off.

FINALLY, I reached a point of peace. December 2007 I realized I was a true “bisexual”. Ah, it’s weird to type because I still have that negative stereo type in my head, but I’m working around it. In January, I found that I had to be with her and wanted no one else to have her. So in short, I found my partner in crime and a little bit more of who I am.

Wow, I say all that to really go into this: Do I Still Like Men? Hmm…Yes. I just have never met a guy that I wanted to date. I’m either bored or catering to them and their whims that it becomes about me trying to impress them to stay with me. What? That’s just messed up. Now, I’m not saying I’m looking to date a guy or anything. I’m very happy in my current relationship and am not looking. I just find myself admits a bunch of ladies all the time, that I started to wonder “am I going all gay”?

A bit funny to be asking yourself that, but since I’m emotionally too deep for my own good I ask it anyways. Damn those psychology courses in college.

After Thoughts

Hours ago I met with my Career Councilor (CC) at this local restaurant in town. First, let me comment on  the gorgeous scenery that sat around us. All these chiseled men in sharp suits with perfect smiles…just lovely. Then there were these “I do nothing but spend my husband’s money” type of women. These I could have done with out (I think secretly I was jealous of their schedule and spending abilities.) Hot men aside, the meeting was great.

We were able to come up with some skills to be bartered and I start my first career session tomorrow! Yeah! I can’t wait to have that “Ah Ha” moment where everything becomes clearer and I find my passion in the form of a paying job. Yes!

Another thought: gay parents. Before you start emailing me hate letters or commenting mean things, I’m not saying it’s bad. If you disagree, then please keep your comments to yourself. Not that I’m not interested, but I’m tired of being told what’s right and wrong in the standards of people I don’t know. Well, for that matter people I do know, too.

What got me started was this past Memorial Day weekend of drinking with friend’s friends who just had a baby six weeks ago. Yes, they were a lesbian couple and so happy to have their pride of joy finally in their lives. Because I’m too deep for my own good, thoughts about “could I do that” and “am I ready” began to flood my mind. Currently my lady is more man than lady, so IF we were serious (which we’re not) I would be the one to have the baby. That’s okay because I want tons of children. I don’t want to have them all, but I want at least four children. I do plan on adopting gay or straight.

But, today I started reading some fabulous blogs on Lesbians with babies. There’s something that I PERSONALLY struggle with in my OWN life about that. Not that I don’t think it is a possibility for me, but just the logistics of it all. I have this old mindset passed down from my parents, from their parents and so on that I just doesn’t know how to feel.

I’m so happy that California is allowing same-sex marriage because I’m a person of equal opportunities and fairness. (Side note: I’m a far right Democrat or far left conservative that believes in God, equal rights, freedom of choice and forgiveness.) So, don’t interpret this blog to be about being against it, but just another blog on my personal understanding of this path I’m on.

I guess my pain in life is that I could be with a man or a woman, so I see life a little bit differently. I could be with a man and just go about normally as I thought I would my whole life or I could be with a woman and start talking sperm banks and what not. Oh, that really creeps ME out just because I’ve never know experienced it in my life.

I don’t know my future and I could marry a man or “marry” a woman, but right now I don’t know if I could be a “Mommy 2″. I guess that’s why I’m not married or in love. I’m no were near ready. No where near ready.

I tell you what, when I do have children I’m going to be a whole lot more understanding of their life choices because of this. Wish my parents would be of mine, but that’s a whole other story.

Pride and Predjudice

I’m sitting here watching “Pride and Prejudice“and wondering does that sort of love exist? Does that instant, “I looked into you’re eyes and knew” sort of love happen anymore? Not that I don’t think love is impossible or that “forever after” is unattainable, but I have to wonder is that courting, “fight for you the rest of my life”, “no temptation will ever have me” sort of love exist?

I’m not much for dating and am in fact horrible at it. I’ve never really dated. I’ve the sort of girl who says “I like you and I shall call you mine”. Funny enough, my fear of commitment would be most perfect for that of the dating life. I just don’t trust “forever”. I can’t imagine that “forever” exists for me. Now, I am dating someone who does read this blog, so don’t misunderstand my questioning to mean that I’m not interested. Rather, I’m in a perfect, safe place with you and merely asking the question I’ve asked all my life.

When I was a little girl I loved these type of stories. One that involved the courting, soft romance and gentle “take your breath away” moments. I always dreamed one day that I would stumble upon that guy that just did all of the above and instilled my trust in “forever”. Well, not that I’m an old maid or anything or that the world is sweeping under my aging feet, but that I generally don’t romantically trust men. I’ve seen quite a bit of men that I’ve worked with and known to be such jerks and relational pricks to my friends, their wives and female co-workers.

I’m not one of those men bashing, turn to women sort of females, but rather attracted to both and am a bit more comfortable with a woman. Nothing wrong with that, is it?

I’m not in love, looking for love or even feeling like I need love at this point in my life. I’m wanting to be as serious as my bank account is in need of another monthly payment. (Did that make any sense?) In simple words, not interested. I hate the mush of relationships so early in their prime and can’t stand the seriousness of anything remotely leading to marriage.

Perhaps five years ago I might have been more inclined to get married, but I’m so thankful I never did.

Was I proposed to? Not quite.

Thought I would marry a man I loved? Yes. Sooo, glad it didn’t happen. Okay, I can’t believe I’m about to go there, but remember that country song, “Unanswered Prayers“? Yeah, went a little something like that for me.

Well, at this point I am just curious, does this sort of love exist? Does this sort of courtship exist? Does a man with that “good intentions from death do us part” truly exist?

Random thoughts on my Sunday of laziness.

Soulmate or Egomate?

I got this email from Karen Salmon. I posted another blog from her about Abraham Lincoln. This one is just fun to read if you’re dating someone. Maybe you could find the answer you’ve been looking for in your relationship or decide what you want in your next one. Either way, I thought this was fun.

“There’s a great quote in that wonderful tale, “The Little Prince” where the Prince wisely says: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

What this quote describes is “soulmate love” — which is a far more mature lovethan“egomate love” — which too many people get tricked into seeking — and thereby never finding true love and true happiness.

In case you’ve been foolishly getting “soulmate love” confused with its lesser “egomate love” fake and faux pas imitiation — here are some helpful reminders …

Soulmate: A soulmate is someone whom when you meet — without thinking – without letting your neocortex play into the decision – you feel an instant familiarity, a sense of connection, a longing.

Egomate: An egomate is someone who you instantly want because you know they will “look good to others” – because this person is beautiful or rich, or has some ego massaging quality. But this thing you like about this person is a generic superficial quality – rather than the dynamic and tingly connection you feel when with this person.

Soulmate: A soulmate is someone who you could spend a great deal of time with just sitting on a sofa and feel happy. You don’t need fanfare. You don’t need to go out to expensive restaurants. Just being with them cuddling and kissing feels like a vacation.

Egomate: An egomate is someone who you need to spend lots of money on and do ritzy activities with to fully feel the excitement of being with them.

Soulmate: A soulmate is someone who you miss when they’re not around – and can even lose sleep over. When you talk about this person to friends, you might mention their looks or money, but you mainly talk about what makes them special to you – those deeper, less superficial qualities which are about connecting soul to soul. You feel a passionate friendship for this person.

Egomate: An egomate is someone who when you talk about this person to friends, you mainly talk about this person as being rich or beautiful — or any of a variety their trophy qualities which build up your ego. If you’re honest with yourself, some part of you doesn’t respect this partner of yours on certain levels — or even like them as a friend. Indeed if you weren’t dating this person, you might not even be friends with them. Perhaps you even feel a bit bored by them if you spend too much time alone in their company or sitting on a sofa just talking. But your ego overpowers your instincts, because your ego loves talking about how rich or beautiful this person is – and impressing friends and family.

Soulmate: You’re not looking for perfection in your partner. Perfection is all about the ego. With soulmate love you know that true love is what happens when disappointment sets in – and you’re willing to deal maturely with these disappointments. You recognize nobody is perfect. Not only does your partner have imperfections, so do you. And because you value the deep love and connection you are lucky enough to share, you choose to work on your problems and grow as individuals and as a couple. With soulmate love, you’re not only finally ready to wear your heart on your sleeve, but roll up your sleeves and do the necessary work. Your goal with a soulmate is to create the most fabulous “inside world” – inside yourself as a growing individuals and inside your private relationship as a thriving couple.

Egomate: Your ego cares about perfection. A lot. In particular your ego cares about your partner appearing perfect to the outside world. You’re less forgiving about imperfections in your partner because of your ego – because you take your partner’s imperfections personally — as showing you as being imperfect — and your ego does not like your not being perfect. So you put a high priority on looking super cool and perfect to others. Indeed, you are so blinded by the image perks your uber-gorgeous or uber-rich partner offers up. that there’s an immature part of you who doesn’t really feel the need to connect in friendship with your partner – or grow as a person when problems arise in the relationship. You just care about the “ego symbols” you are showing to the outside world.

Soulmate: Your partner could gain weight, lose all their money, lose all their hair – and you wouldn’t care. You love them for their core self.

Egomate: If your partner gained weight, lost their money, lost their hair, you’d lose your “ego symbol”and thereby feel less attracted to this person and want to break up.

In summary
Soulmate love is far more satisfying. Afterall, looks and money can (and often) fade. But a bad personality and bad values and a bad intimacy connection are forever.”