“You’re hot then your cold…”

I’ve been horribly naughty lately. Amy and I have declared “peace” and I can’t seem to get it into gear. Here I was this strong, capable person who could look their beloved in the face and say, “No, you need to date and please let’s learn to get over this hump of weirdness between us.” After all, we’re wanting to stay friends after our breakup, so it becomes essential that we move on as fast as we can. 

Our trouble lies in the moments of “no one’s looking” and “who cares if we slip here and there”. The only way we’ve been able to NOT do that is for me to treat this girl that she’s dating as her girlfriend. I do not want to be a cheater and I’ve promised myself I would never hurt anyone ever again! We have already gone over the many reasons as to why it’s not fair for us to be in a relationship. It’s the strangest thing that two people in love are not able to be together. Regardless of my issues with same-sex relationships for myself, we had things that were not good for one another. It speaks volumes about your relationship when you break up and both parties become healthier, better individuals. It isn’t like we’ve fallen apart and have stopped breathing. In fact, we’re doing so much better that the only thing that hurts anymore is our hearts. 

I was thinking about the travisty of love and the wrangled mess your heart puts itself through to be in such a state. You allow gastly things to happen in exchange for the one organizim that keeps you alive. You step on or get stepped on. You say things that you haven’t thought a day in your life in order to just make the other person feel helpless with out you. You put everything on the line for them because of those four letters: LOVE. 

Anyways, I’ve been a naughty best friend and have been completely off course for the past day. Someone how I feel like I’m back in that retch of a relationship with Anna and I’m having to interrogate to feel better. I ask, “Has she meet all your friends?”, “Is she included on emails?”, “Do you want to have her babies?”. Okay, maybe not that last one because it’s gross a question best left for the shocking baby shower announcement that titles “I’m Having Her Baby and You Missed Out”. 

I think my biggest f ear, aside from never getting to love her again, is that I’m loosing her. Not only am I going to looser her but all the friends I’ve made with her. What if they like her more and since everyone is already coupled I would be the odd-man out and therefore to be only talked about in remembrance of “that girl with the weird name”. 

How does one tell these friends, “Hey, I’m still here. I still want to be apart of your lives and want you to be apart of mine. Is it because I’m not with Amy I’m no longer cool?”…okay, I wouldn’t say that last part, but something along those lines. How does one do that? 

I just feel like I’m fading; like my color is going from bright shades of belonging to greys of separation. Here’s the breakdown of the group there are three couples total: Amy + _____; Angela + Alicia, Teal + Deana; Nicole + Jill.

Perhaps I should not excuse things, but I don’t know how not to. Angela and Alicia have their own lives (and they are also Amy’s best friends). Teal and Deana just moved into their new, first home. Nicole and Jill are a new couple only interested in each other, which I can totally understand and not blame them. I think by being the single one I’ll only be invited to birthdays (maybe), parties and random Sunday drinking days. We’re I’ll be left off is game nights, Rockband nights, dinners out, and whatever little random “let’s hang out” things. I’m just angry that we’re heading this way. Do I say something? Do I send an email and say, “hey, listen, I want to be your friend and who cares if I’m single. Let’s get a table for 7 and let me be the one to entertain.” 

I just don’t want to disappear, but don’t want to be crashing any parties either. Has anyone been there? What did you do? Did you care and just showed up anyways?

Silently Breaking

They have no idea,
They can not see why,
Every time you put the phone to your ear and secretly want to cry.

“Why are you so down”,
“Why are you sick”,
“Why are things different with you?”.

I’m silently breaking.
My heart is pulling apart.
They’re making me walk away from the love of my heart.

I don’t know how to stand there,
Pretend like things don’t change.
I wear every emotion on my sleeve.

Silently breaking,
I can not say a word.
They have no idea who she is or why she steals my mood.

Singletons…We Must All Stick Together

So, recently I’m single, Nicole’s single and Amber’s single. Three girls that are suppose to meet up tonight to just be amongst friends. Plans were to go to local spot for $2 beers and live music, but due to Amber’s and Nicole’s ex-girlfriends we have to find another route. Knowing full well we were going to be there first, these sassy ladies decide to push out our little plan and make us planless. Jerks.

I don’t blame Nicole or Amber for not wanting to go and be in the presence of their ex-girlfriends. Although Amy and I did not break up as harshly as I think they did, it would still be hard. Well, it would be harder for she and I because we’re currently on “separational break”. As I was telling you several blogs ago, I met this woman on my plane to San Diego who said some amazing stuff that got me thinking, which revealed I actually do love Amy, but am not ready for commitment yet. With that, we’re taking a full month break from talking to each other so that way we can think emotion free how to move forward. Amy has to figure out if she wants to deal with my flippy-floppy self and I have to figure out if I’m ready to take the next step toward being truly committed to her. Well, not to say I wasn’t before, but took my falling in out of the relationship to be a sign to break up. If I move forward I plan on fighting past those moments for the relationship, her and my personal relationship growth. So, it would be hard to see Amy knowing I still have some time to go before I can do whatever with our relationship. Wow, that was a side note.

Back to issue: plans may be stopped because of rotten ex’s. Just not fair. What’s not fair is what breaking up does to our (meaning girls) self esteem. For some reason, many of us find ourselves out a relationship in the worst times of our personal lives. We’re either facing financial mountains, passionless jobs or crazy family. What you would think would encourage us and make us sink our teeth into fixing these problems does completely the opposite. I think that’s why I’m trying to stay busy. Some very wise woman (my mother) told me to keep moving after a break up: Don’t stop and don’t let yourself be alone unless you really need it. She’s right, you know. The moment you allow yourself to sit in your misery, aloneness or sad story you find yourself right where the devil (yeah, him) wants you. You start doubting your beauty, personality, health, mind and everything else lovely. You start down a path that cripples your spirit and next thing you know you’ve got quite a journey on your hands toward normalcy.

I think that’s where I am. Not because of Amy at all, but because I never really recovered from the blow Anna gave me. I’m continually fighting old habits that warp my confident identity and set me up for relationship failure. I blame some of my reasons I can’t get straight with Amy (oxymoron) from my relationship with Anna AND David. Yeah, let’s throw him in there. He’s the guy I thought I was going to marry. I thought he was it and waited (get this) four years for. FOUR FUCKING YEARS FOR. Yeah, and I didn’t even tell you we dated only one out of those four years. What the fuck, right? I know.

Fact is, our break ups have the powerful effect of breaking not only our hearts (natural) but our lives, too. Sometimes that warranted because the relationship was either great or highly emotional so it seems the world is ending for those reasons. Other times we just find ourselves responding to life as if we can’t go on when that person was a dick and needed to go. Girls…we’re all the same. Well, most of us anyway.

Nick, if you’re reading, I know you were in a relationship with a girl that made you feel this way. I think that’s why I like reading your blog. You’re completely honest and very much a guy. It’s refreshing to know I’m not the only one have to rebuild.

Anyways, I’m hoping I can pull Amber out tonight even if it’s a night in with a pizza and movie. We need to pull each other up because the worst thing we can do to our friends is let them go home, turn off the lights and never move on. I think i read some where that for every month you dated someone it takes two more to get over them? I think that’s right…either way, it speaks truth. It always takes longer to get over someone, but when you finally do and you did it in a healthy way it feels so good. Plus, you can know the next relationship will start out on the healthy foot versus the one that only moves backwards making you trip over yourself in front of someone new. Now, that’s fun.

Party #1

Tonight was my first party without Amy.

It was a group of friends she knew through me. We always went together to these parties. We were the good party couple. We could mingle like no one’s business. She would meet people and I would meet people. By the middle of the night we would end up back together with five new couple friends. In fact, we stayed in contact with several of those couple friends well past our party adventure with them.

It was weird not having her there.

Some knew and some didn’t know about our break up. I’m sure me having to talk about it made it that much worse, but it was sad none the less. It felt like part of me was missing or that I wasn’t as interesting without her. The conversations were totally on my shoulders to maintain. For Example: It’s like you walk into a room of mostly strangers. At first you would think, “Wow, I have to make my rounds and hopefully find people to talk to rather than stand by the cheese plate alone.” But then, you realize you didn’t come alone and if you find yourself grazing alone you can always search for your other half and chat it up with the people they’re talking to. Never alone, never looking like you’re of no interest.

Hell, I remember the Christmas party we went to and what fun that was. Seriously. We were outside the majority of the night, huddled around those heating lamps drinking wine and laughing until we cried with complete strangers. We made some great friends at that party.

Amy and I liked to think we were the party people you wanted at your gatherings. We would make sure no one around us was bored, not talking or alone.

Tonight…well, I spoke to only those I knew and were some times alone. I tried to play it off with the whole “I’m looking at the pictures in your house, so it seems I’m choosing to be alone and am okay standing in your living room full of people with no one to talk to.”

I guess there are always baby steps, right? Mine are just making sure I stay out of the house and active. I know she’s at a party tonight, too. Wonder if she feels the same way? I hope not. I hope she didn’t even think about it.