There are always complications in life with just about everything, so I shouldn’t be shocked or generally irritated that I’m facing a few today. I guess what I feel I must get off my chest is today’s feeling of stress and anxiety.
Yesterday, my mother sent me a devotional saying something about “I thought of you when I read this…I hope it helps you see God’s plans for you!” and when it read it, there were several scriptures detailing:
- “put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires”
- “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world”
- “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires”
Then the devotional goes into how our spiritual walk is like the erosion of the Grand Canyon: beautiful, slow and purposeful. THAT statement I don’t mind, but the whole devotional basically said, “You must choose daily to live by the Spirit. Study His Word and choose His plan. Each day a part of the old nature will wear away.”
The scriptures and the words in this devotional projected fear that me being Bi and being apart of the GLBT community was wrong and sinful (something I was taught to believe). My heart dropped and I sought council from a close to friend to make sure I wasn’t reading this wrong. Unfortunately, with the most open mind she had, she read as I did: My mom was telling me to put off my “sinful” desires and get right with God.
I feel like I fight on a daily basis to not conform to the Christian majority. Not because I don’t mind the group, I don’t like the close-minded Bible-thumping mentality where we don’t love our neighbors but rather take the position to serve as their judge. I dislike going to church for this reason and I often shrink away from “Christian” things because I’m afraid the old way I was taught will bring back to a place I don’t like. I was one of those people (judger, legalistic, holier-than-thou) and I don’t want to ever be that person again.
I can’t help but fight God at this place. I want to go back to the feeling I had been living in prior to this email: peace, trust in His timing and plans. What happened? I can’t figure out if this is Him or satan trying to pull me down. I know this can be hard for non-faith believers to take in because it’s leaving peace and thought to things not seen or “technically” proven, but this is all I am. As much as I want to run away and pretend it doesn’t matter to me, it does. It is rooted deep in my person and I will never be able to part with it. It’s not about a point system or earning my way in to eternity, but rather a relationship I subconsciously crave but currently feel distant to.
Sometimes that happens, sometimes you feel like He’s not there when really is US who walk away. Since Christ, He doesn’t turn His back on us, so what’s my deal? I’m afraid…I’m afraid to step forward and be forced to come to terms with His views on being gay. I can’t understand a God who loves us regardless would create us to suffer forever alone. Sure we have Him, but sometimes that doesn’t seem like enough. I love life and being apart of it too much to feel like all I need to do is store up in a closet reading the Bible and praying. My belief is found in me working for others, in movement with God, not quiet solitude.
This has completely gone a different way than I originally intended. I thought about getting rid of this blog the other day, but realized it’s a perfect place for me to vent, talk openly and be honest without being knocked down. I’m tired of fighting with God, but sometimes I don’t know if it’s Him I’m fighting with or myself, satan or others.
I can’t, just can’t believe He created us to be alone, ashamed of our genes and genetic disposition to things not “normal”. We’re created in HIS image, right? So why is it “desires of my flesh” to be me? This isn’t murder, evil thoughts or things to harm others. It’s what my brain thinks. I feel like I”m a hard case, though. I wouldn’t say I’m genetically dispositioned to be gay. I would say I’ve had thoughts, attractions and things I can now explain as that when I was little, but in so many ways I choose to allow myself this identity. Sometimes I wish I was one or the other, though, but that’s for another story another time.
I guess what I’m hoping to gather is peace. Not misguided, fooled peace but a constantly moving/growing peace right with God that furthers my relationship with Him and advances His plans for me. I do know I’m here for a reason. I don’t believe my life has be one lucky train of gayville at all. I’ve met the people I hold most dear in my life for a reason. I’m where I am at my job, in my social world and such for a reason. I do NOT believe in coincident or happenstance.
The other thing that seems to plague me is my job. I guess with our economy it’s not surprising that I would, er, worry about loosing it. Though our company seems to be making steps towards improving our financial growth, I can’t help but feel a heavy blow is around the corner. I’m trying to hard to trust that if I loose my job I’ll find another. Whether it’s good old Starbucks and Dillard’s is okay with me. I know things happen for a reason, so maybe it would be my opportunity to try something new, go to another place, further my volunteering? I don’t know. But, I just can’t help but fear that I’m at the bottom at the totem pole here. Of course, I’m blogging at work so that would make one not be surprised about that above comment. I know that was a contradiction.
In general, to sum up this whole post, I am trying to grow. I’m afraid of what will come because I don’t understand it. I don’t understand God and His plan, but I know it’s greater than me and I have to try to let Him talk to me instead of running. He loves me more than I can fathom and loves those around me. I just am afraid…afraid to hear the voices of old and right-sided Christianity. I know it’s not Him, but it’s so hard to get rid of those voices when they were all you heard growing up.
