Cinco de Mayo 2

This is the second, consecutive (because if it’s your second why wouldn’t it be right after the first) year we’ve celebrated Cinco de Mayo. It started with me getting Molly (my Mexican sweet-faced dog) and has now turned into a reason to drink, like most Americans with no Mexican roots. 

Last night, we ate delicious Mexican food, had several drinks and met up with old friends. What was most interesting about the night was the conversations. Between discussing newly purchases (secretly jealous) homes, boyfriends in LA, awkward conversations about sex and ladies from Amy, talking it up about Catholic priests and books with neighboring drinking old men, and finally rock operas we had a great time. Some more than others, but then again it was a Tuesday.

“You’re hot then your cold…”

I’ve been horribly naughty lately. Amy and I have declared “peace” and I can’t seem to get it into gear. Here I was this strong, capable person who could look their beloved in the face and say, “No, you need to date and please let’s learn to get over this hump of weirdness between us.” After all, we’re wanting to stay friends after our breakup, so it becomes essential that we move on as fast as we can. 

Our trouble lies in the moments of “no one’s looking” and “who cares if we slip here and there”. The only way we’ve been able to NOT do that is for me to treat this girl that she’s dating as her girlfriend. I do not want to be a cheater and I’ve promised myself I would never hurt anyone ever again! We have already gone over the many reasons as to why it’s not fair for us to be in a relationship. It’s the strangest thing that two people in love are not able to be together. Regardless of my issues with same-sex relationships for myself, we had things that were not good for one another. It speaks volumes about your relationship when you break up and both parties become healthier, better individuals. It isn’t like we’ve fallen apart and have stopped breathing. In fact, we’re doing so much better that the only thing that hurts anymore is our hearts. 

I was thinking about the travisty of love and the wrangled mess your heart puts itself through to be in such a state. You allow gastly things to happen in exchange for the one organizim that keeps you alive. You step on or get stepped on. You say things that you haven’t thought a day in your life in order to just make the other person feel helpless with out you. You put everything on the line for them because of those four letters: LOVE. 

Anyways, I’ve been a naughty best friend and have been completely off course for the past day. Someone how I feel like I’m back in that retch of a relationship with Anna and I’m having to interrogate to feel better. I ask, “Has she meet all your friends?”, “Is she included on emails?”, “Do you want to have her babies?”. Okay, maybe not that last one because it’s gross a question best left for the shocking baby shower announcement that titles “I’m Having Her Baby and You Missed Out”. 

I think my biggest f ear, aside from never getting to love her again, is that I’m loosing her. Not only am I going to looser her but all the friends I’ve made with her. What if they like her more and since everyone is already coupled I would be the odd-man out and therefore to be only talked about in remembrance of “that girl with the weird name”. 

How does one tell these friends, “Hey, I’m still here. I still want to be apart of your lives and want you to be apart of mine. Is it because I’m not with Amy I’m no longer cool?”…okay, I wouldn’t say that last part, but something along those lines. How does one do that? 

I just feel like I’m fading; like my color is going from bright shades of belonging to greys of separation. Here’s the breakdown of the group there are three couples total: Amy + _____; Angela + Alicia, Teal + Deana; Nicole + Jill.

Perhaps I should not excuse things, but I don’t know how not to. Angela and Alicia have their own lives (and they are also Amy’s best friends). Teal and Deana just moved into their new, first home. Nicole and Jill are a new couple only interested in each other, which I can totally understand and not blame them. I think by being the single one I’ll only be invited to birthdays (maybe), parties and random Sunday drinking days. We’re I’ll be left off is game nights, Rockband nights, dinners out, and whatever little random “let’s hang out” things. I’m just angry that we’re heading this way. Do I say something? Do I send an email and say, “hey, listen, I want to be your friend and who cares if I’m single. Let’s get a table for 7 and let me be the one to entertain.” 

I just don’t want to disappear, but don’t want to be crashing any parties either. Has anyone been there? What did you do? Did you care and just showed up anyways?

I Just Want To Slap The Bride

On a more upbeat story than my last, long and fairly deep blog, I have a story for you.

Several of my friends have found their perfect someone and are getting married left and right. Thank God none of them are having children yet.

One such friend is Carly. She’s my sorority sister from college that I kind of poo poo-ed on when I met Anna and, luckily, was able to rekindle the friendship post college. She is a unique individual that I’ve respected greatly and enjoyed having as a friend. She was the first person I really be-friend in school and became an instant best friend.

About a little over a year ago she met Chris (I seem to know a lot of Chris’). He’s an amazing guy that ended up with a cruel ex-wife and a lovely little girl. They met, fell in love and are getting married next weekend. I really think they’re meant for each other and am so happy they are getting married.

Now, what makes me want to “Slap the Bride”? I’ve totally gotten the shaft.

Sure, I probably deserve it and when she was thinking about “who do I ask to be in/apart of my wedding” I was not a good choice. “Good choice” in that I bailed on our friendship when she needed friendship the most because I was too caught up in a stupid, ugly relationship with someone who couldn’t have given a shit about me. (I love how girls can rant in one complete, flowing sentence about a verity of things.) Yeah, I probably deserve that, but what I can’t understand is why, oh why, was I the first person she told about her relationship? Why was MY apartment the place she claimed to be at when she was really sleeping over at his? Why was I the person she wanted to take the pregnancy test with when Aunt Flow was late? Why did we spend oodles and oodles of hours up at night dishing about the exciting times between her and Chris?

Well, maybe I shouldn’t say “why” because I wouldn’t take those back, but WHY did she invest so much in me about the man she was going to marry and can’t even remember to let me know about any of her bridal showers? I’m suppose to be an “Honored Guest” at her wedding and yet, she called me three days before Sunday to tell me at 2 p.m. she’s having a lingerie party. I have asked if there’s anything she needs me to help her with. I have begged for her to give me something to do and yet I’m slightly forgotten. What’s worse is she won’t tell me who her bridesmaids are and I know it’s because one of them is another sorority sister, Lesile, whom she wouldn’t even tell the true details of her relationship with until almost six months of them dating.

I don’t get it. I have to be “that” friend, don’t I? The one that bends over backwards to do for them and yet no real depth ensues from that friendship other than the one you can drink or talk with once a month or every other month.

I seem to be that girl who gets those types of friends, invests in them and then realizes the ones I SHOULD have invested in were the ones I put on hold for the ones that just dropped me. Yeah, I seem to be doing it wrong.

In March my best friend from high school, Lisa, got married to a great guy. She and I would meet up several times a month for drinks, dinner and hours and hours of conversation. I actually would talk to her at least once a day about the wedding, her in-laws and such. I thought it was great. Here I was, just moved back to the area and reconnecting with a truly old friend. Yeah, we had some distance between us since our junior year of high school, but we were able to pick up right where left off.

I found myself constantly doing for her and being there for her, when I realized I’m not even in your wedding. Sure, that sounds horribly shallow, but it’s true.

I was talking with her about wedding things and I wasn’t in the wedding. Not stuff like, “oh, that’s going to be a lovely color on the bridesmaids” but “the best party favors to give your guest would be ___ and you should look at ___ to get them and here’s an website you should ___…”. Then, at the wedding, she said “I can’t believe you’re here.” What the fuck, people? Really? What do you mean, you can’t believe I would even come? It was your wedding!

I swear people, I don’t understand. I guess the good thing is, typically, these friends (once married) disappear into whole other world. The single people are no longer the people they talk to and the couples are where it’s at. I guess it works out for me in the end.

I just think it’s funny.