Jack of All…Asses?

I need to get into the writing/reading mood as I am about to dive into several pages of typical work lingo meshed into similar question/answer paragraphs of stuff I’m not 100% awake for.

I thought giving myself an extra shot this morning would help get me mentally started, but alas my eyes drift and my head feels heavy.

Last night had an opinion of myself I wish to ponder further on today. I am, as I have said before, a “Jack of All Trades”. There isn’t one thing in particular that I’m very good at besides organizing the heck out of a closet. I feel a bit thin and like a faint whisper of something I could be, but can’t seem to grasp it.

I started pondering how I got in this place again with work: Complacent, bored and tired. My boss said he never wanted to find me in this position again, but here I am trying rather hard to bust my ass on not, at the very least, appearing so to him. Loosing ones job is not on the market right now for me.

Just one month ago I was vibrant, full of passion and energy despite all the coffee I didn’t have in me. I was constantly moving and challenging myself to reach beyond the boarders of my own office and person. I was volunteering more and constantly moving in my personal life. There was little time for TV or lazy Sundays.

I think the hardest part about being where I am in the present moment is pulling myself out of it. It’s so easy to allow yourself to slip into a little work here and more fun there, but it is NOT easy trying to pull yourself back out. To remind yourself, though this work is terribly boring and not thought provoking in the slightest, I could make less boring. I could treat it as if it’s something important and dedicate more time to it. I find I do a great deal of that in my office, turning things into interesting things and such.

One would think it’s high time to get another job, but in this economy I think that is very unlikely. Though, if it weren’t for financial reasons, I would gladly take a Starbucks position for a little less boredom in the office. At least I would have free coffee and an unpredictable schedule. But, then again, I would not ever make enough to pay of my ridiculous debt I seem to keep collecting.

I hate talking about changing jobs anyways, with so many friends who have lost their jobs due to the tightening of the company budget. But, at the same time, I can’t pretend that I should sit in a place of unhappiness and be thankful for it either.  So often I accept that it is not the dose of happiness I should be looking for, but rather the need to improvement upon my character. I have, in the almost two years I’ve worked here, grown. Instead of running I have faced and, in some ways, defeated boredom and lack of passion in my current field of work. Though I do find the industry I work in stimulating and interesting, the work I physically do is quite the opposite.

But, again for the reason of economy and lack of options, I stay and work through it; wondering all the while when will I find that open door to a place that I can’t get enough of. One that I loose track of time in and some how find it always on my mind.

Jack of all trades…what to do with you.

I know we are ever changing people with life patterns not always predictable. I may find myself in another place in a year, another job, another town, but will I have mastered the ability to be good at one thing or do I embrace being “Jack”?

Once I read a blog from a woman who completely and whole heartedly embraced being a “Jack”. She made no apologies for not knowing something wholly, but knowing enough to carry on a conversation or knowing what to do next. I know I feel being a “Jack” is wrong because my father use to call it so, but perhaps that’s what I truly am. Perhaps that’s what makes me truly valuable to a job, home and group of friends. I’ve experienced, know and believe enough to get where people are coming from.

Meh…I digress, this isn’t suppose to be about person, but career. But then again I always whine about my career when I’m bored.

Damn this pit…how did I get in here and why can’t I freaking figure out a way to make my rope out of hair to throw out so someone can help me get out of here?

Complications

There are always complications in life with just about everything, so I shouldn’t be shocked or generally irritated that I’m facing a few today. I guess what I feel I must get off my chest is today’s feeling of stress and anxiety.

Yesterday, my mother sent me a devotional saying something about “I thought of you when I read this…I hope it helps you see God’s plans for you!” and when it read it, there were several scriptures detailing:

• “put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires”
• “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world”
• “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires”

Then the devotional goes into how our spiritual walk is like the erosion of the Grand Canyon: beautiful, slow and purposeful. THAT statement I don’t mind, but the whole devotional basically said, “You must choose daily to live by the Spirit. Study His Word and choose His plan. Each day a part of the old nature will wear away.”

The scriptures and the words in this devotional projected fear that me being Bi and being apart of the GLBT community was wrong and sinful (something I was taught to believe). My heart dropped and I sought council from a close to friend to make sure I wasn’t reading this wrong. Unfortunately, with the most open mind she had, she read as I did: My mom was telling me to put off my “sinful” desires and get right with God.

I feel like I fight on a daily basis to not conform to the Christian majority. Not because I don’t mind the group, I don’t like the close-minded Bible-thumping mentality where we don’t love our neighbors but rather take the position to serve as their judge. I dislike going to church for this reason and I often shrink away from “Christian” things because I’m afraid the old way I was taught will bring back to a place I don’t like. I was one of those people (judger, legalistic, holier-than-thou) and I don’t want to ever be that person again.

I can’t help but fight God at this place. I want to go back to the feeling I had been living in prior to this email: peace, trust in His timing and plans. What happened? I can’t figure out if this is Him or satan trying to pull me down. I know this can be hard for non-faith believers to take in because it’s leaving peace and thought to things not seen or “technically” proven, but this is all I am. As much as I want to run away and pretend it doesn’t matter to me, it does. It is rooted deep in my person and I will never be able to part with it. It’s not about a point system or earning my way in to eternity, but rather a relationship I subconsciously crave but currently feel distant to.

Sometimes that happens, sometimes you feel like He’s not there when really is US who walk away. Since Christ, He doesn’t turn His back on us, so what’s my deal? I’m afraid…I’m afraid to step forward and be forced to come to terms with His views on being gay. I can’t understand a God who loves us regardless would create us to suffer forever alone. Sure we have Him, but sometimes that doesn’t seem like enough. I love life and being apart of it too much to feel like all I need to do is store up in a closet reading the Bible and praying. My belief is found in me working for others, in movement with God, not quiet solitude.

This has completely gone a different way than I originally intended. I thought about getting rid of this blog the other day, but realized it’s a perfect place for me to vent, talk openly and be honest without being knocked down. I’m tired of fighting with God, but sometimes I don’t know if it’s Him I’m fighting with or myself, satan or others.

I can’t, just can’t believe He created us to be alone, ashamed of our genes and genetic disposition to things not “normal”. We’re created in HIS image, right? So why is it “desires of my flesh” to be me? This isn’t murder, evil thoughts or things to harm others. It’s what my brain thinks. I feel like I”m a hard case, though. I wouldn’t say I’m genetically dispositioned to be gay. I would say I’ve had thoughts, attractions and things I can now explain as that when I was little, but in so many ways I choose to allow myself this identity. Sometimes I wish I was one or the other, though, but that’s for another story another time.

I guess what I’m hoping to gather is peace. Not misguided, fooled peace but a constantly moving/growing peace right with God that furthers my relationship with Him and advances His plans for me. I do know I’m here for a reason. I don’t believe my life has be one lucky train of gayville at all. I’ve met the people I hold most dear in my life for a reason. I’m where I am at my job, in my social world and such for a reason. I do NOT believe in coincident or happenstance.

The other thing that seems to plague me is my job. I guess with our economy it’s not surprising that I would, er, worry about loosing it. Though our company seems to be making steps towards improving our financial growth, I can’t help but feel a heavy blow is around the corner. I’m trying to hard to trust that if I loose my job I’ll find another. Whether it’s good old Starbucks and Dillard’s is okay with me. I know things happen for a reason, so maybe it would be my opportunity to try something new, go to another place, further my volunteering? I don’t know. But, I just can’t help but fear that I’m at the bottom at the totem pole here. Of course, I’m blogging at work so that would make one not be surprised about that above comment. I know that was a contradiction.

In general, to sum up this whole post, I am trying to grow. I’m afraid of what will come because I don’t understand it. I don’t understand God and His plan, but I know it’s greater than me and I have to try to let Him talk to me instead of running. He loves me more than I can fathom and loves those around me. I just am afraid…afraid to hear the voices of old and right-sided Christianity. I know it’s not Him, but it’s so hard to get rid of those voices when they were all you heard growing up.

This is the Journey

As I sit here on a Tuesday morning waiting for the coffee to hit me, I realize I’m secretly waiting for the moment in my life where I find myself on a normal workday NOT at an office, sitting in a cafe or on my porch, drinking coffee and typing my thoughts down.

I keep hoping that age will find me there and I will have not a care in the world in terms of my financial state. Sure, in some places (particularly Dallas) that is called a “Sugar Daddy”, but I believe that is not where I hope to find this financial freedom. I suppose I expect age to afford me all the blessing it has my parents and grandparents. I laugh at it, though, because I’m forgetting the journey.

Amy shared with me this most inspiring article written by a photographer and his encouragement to pursue past your fears and enjoy this ride, because it is the ride that’s worth the life. I must remember these blurring, often mindless hours of work I find not completely inspiring or exhilarating part of the process. I can not find my place in my work by merely walking into it; I will never be prepared for what God opens for me that way. It’s in these little, “why isn’t my coffee doing the trick” moments I must remember He is good and faithful, and I will not be here forever. Though forever seems to etch on in a motionless time here (sometimes) it is not long (I hope) that I’ll start to see what He’s getting at.

So, in the meantime I must ask myself “why is this coffee taking so damn long.”

Flat Tire

Yesterday, I decided I was going to do something about this bike I bought back in January. I was gearing up and went to check the air in the tires. A little low, I proceeded to “fix” the problem only to make it worse. By the end of it all, I had no air in my tires and only two options in moving forward: a) buy a new pump or b) run up to the gas station to “fill er up”. I did neither.

I have never put air in my tired before and ever since using my dad’s pressure pump and having it scare the living crap out of me, I haven’t been the same since around compressed air. 

It’s funny how being afraid to use the air compressors stopped me short from getting back on that bike and moving forward. I do that a lot, I feel. 

I’m afraid to ride a bike competitively or for extended distance because I’m worried I won’t be able to stay in for the long run. I’m afraid to have a flat and not know what to do. I’m also afraid of being last. All sorts of things stopping me short. 

I hate that about fear. Not to say I’ll never get on that bike or sell that car or buy that house or move or whatever, but that it will take me a LONG while to get there because of it.

There’s No Fun in Waiting

For the past, I don’t know, two months I’ve been obsessed with the Volvo c30. This little car stole my heart when I saw it parked outside of the strip behind Crossroads Market (or what use to be). It was navy with just lovey interior. Even though Amy described the shape of the car to be “bulbous” I still loved it, bulbous and all. 

I didn’t start my “new car” journey until I was having an in warranty job done to my Honda. I was blessed enough to have gone in when I did, because my car’s warranty expired exactly one month later. I started thinking about whether or not I wanted to get the extended warranty and then  a little thought popped into my head: get a new car. 

I looked at the Honda (because, let’s face it I love Honda) Fit and Insight. I was wanting a hatchback in a bad way. Actually, I was wanting the Volvo C30 in a bad way so nothing Honda offered me was better. One Friday, while shopping in vain for a wedding present at a store that would in fact turn out to be closed once I got there, I decided to stop by a Volvo dealer. 

“I just wanted to look”, I told myself, “It’s been a long day and you earned a little visual pleasure.” About 45 minutes later we were shaking on a not very good deal and I was borrowing the black love of my life for the weekend. Baby, does that car melt me. Elated in my own freedom and grown-up-ness in getting a deal that I wanted to show it to my parents for final approval. BAD IDEA. Not only was I shot down in mid-drive, but left crying because this one earthly possession was not mine after all. 

One embarrassing return that afternoon and credit check later, I was back in my Honda. No standard, no MP3 jack, no 2.35 turbo engine with a enough get up and go that you felt they finally managed to make the delorean in pint size. 

Since then I’ve been obsessed. I talk about it until no end. Amy has now started tuning me out and my mom makes big sighs notifying me the conversation is boring her. In short, I want it. I crave it. It’s like a flavor I can’t get out of my mouth and no gum will suffice (sorry, Jillian Michaels). Well, that was until a friend who worked for Volvo let me in on a little secret: Ever since Volvo was bought out by Ford they have the Ford promise to be flashy and fun until four years later when they start to die in the worst way. 

Dreams. Crushed.

I still held on, but now with a little more caution. Then, one lovely Saturday, I found one that compairs: the Audi A3. A five-door, hatchback with a little less turbo, but plenty of Audi promises. I’ve searched, built my own and found the prices and features relatively the same. 

Enter today. I hate today. I hate that every where I look I have people telling me “don’t buy”. “Save, save, save”, they say. I want to slap each and every one of them. 

Don’t they know about this love I have? This love given to only earthly possession that eventually find themselves broken and expensive. 

I hate this love. I hate everything about it’s green, tight little grasp that makes me feel that if I don’t get this car now I might surely die. Okay, that’s a little dramatic, but you get the idea: it’s bigger than I know how to control or want to control. 

Call me materialistic, selfish, financially screwed or economically blind. All these things I won’t deny or be offended by; in a way, I’m past all that. What I am having a hard time with is why is this stronger than I feel I can control? 

Because I’m a Jesus lover, I believe that my desire to fill a hole with earthly possession is my need to be really filling it with Jesus. Does that make sense? If not, tell me and I’ll go into further detail. 

Right now, I’ve been recounting a prayer “it’s in Your hands, it’s in Your hands, it’s in Your hands,” over and over again to remind myself God is bigger and better than this want that feels like a need. But, why is it not going away? 

I’ve been distracting myself with activities, volunteer work and friends to get this burning want off my mind. I think left to my own devices long enough I would do it. I would go up to Audi or Volvo and make the deal. I’m highly impulsive and in so many ways I like that. Right now, that’s my way of taking risks. 

I believe I was born into a “rush” mentality because I respond well under fire. I like the pressure and want the rush all the time. Perhaps, buying this lovely piece of deteriorating metal I can fill the void of wanting to move some where drastic, buying a house, getting an arm full of tattoos, starting my own business, etc. Things I think about and then push aside because they seem “crazy”. 

Long story short, I’m going crazy here with all the things I CAN’T do. What on earth can I do? Tell me, because right now I’m going crazy.

Lip Gloss

There are few reliable things in this world, but one you can always count on is lip gloss. No, that bubble gum song that made one sexy scene in “Nip Tuck” (the only episode I’ve seen, I swear), but the tacky, glossy, sometimes flossy stuff we ladies love to cake on our lips.

The guarantees of lip gloss:

1. Will always get stuck in you hair, then as you try to remove the cemented hair, it smears the “pale pink” shade all over face, leaving a fresh, tacky feeling all day long.
2. Will always save those delicious crumbs from ever falling away from your mouth. You can rest a sure, no calories will escape your mouth when wearing lip gloss.
3. When wearing lip gloss, you will (unknowingly, I’m sure) pout your lips out like Renée Zellweger. Perhaps that’s why she does that? No? 
4. It will, in some form, not only get in your hair but on your clothes, car seat belt, jackets, accessories, midnight strangers, cell phones and the like. Once this expensive, high-demand product gets on your things, you can always count on a thin, gunky layer or sticky pink to always be there.
5. Will always show up on the rim of all glasses, which is always helpful in showing you whose glass is whose and exactly where to put your lips with each drink. Another good thing about this is the rimming of lip gloss helps inform you when you’ve a) had too much wine or b) just not paying attention. More than one spot on the glass  = carelessness. Tisk, tisk ladies.

 

It’s funny now we can’t get enough of this stuff, but at least there are plenty of benefits to wearing it! That’s what I tell people when they see how much I paid for it, “hey, you wouldn’t believe what this stuff can do.”

Pressure Points

I’m not 100% sure God’s planned for me right now, but I feel like He’s communicating to me to hold on. For what reason, I’m not sure. Could I be getting laid off? Could I be asked to move? Could the perfect job, house, car, whatever come along and as for my attention? 

Those are all the things on my plate right now, so I don’t know what else it could be. I mean, it could be a million other things, but for some reason I feel like I’m waiting for something big. 

I get these daily work devotionals from a publication I’m not really a big fan of, but the one I recieve (lately) has been perfect placed each morning in my inbox. 

I could list about five to six things of issues, problems, irritants I have going on right now. People, school, work, dreams not happening right away, etc. has really got me bogged down. I’ve often wondered how much more I can really take. Then today I get a devo talking about how God knows the correct amount of discomfort, stress, irritation, pain I withstand before I break. He knows exactly the right amount of whatever I can take and that I need to be taking it to shape me into something better and stronger. 

I just hope I get to see why sooner than later.

Is THIS My Blog?

I feel like it’s been years since I wrote on here.

Lately, I’ve been working things out through chocolate, painted toes and mixed drinks rather than collectively writing things down. I don’t really know what my deal is right now, but I feel like if I don’t do something drastically different I’m going to go crazy.

I never thought I was one of those people. You know THOSE people who can’t sit still and have to always be doing something big? I’ve gone from “let’s buy a house today” to “let’s buy this car today” to “let’s cut all my hair off to do a white girl fro for a high fashioned look”. I feel restless. Why?

I’m going to school, kicking new ass at my job, paying off bills and finally getting some of my shit together. What on earth could I be restless about?

Is it because my soul is search for a better relationship with God?

At this point in my life you would think I would be happy, but I feel like I’m in the “in between”. Like I’m not moving forward and (thankfully) not moving behind. I keep reading scriptures that I need to be content and remember God is in control, which in so many ways I want to do.

I’ve always been propelled towards something else. If it wasn’t school it was work and not work, relationships. The movement kept going forward or backward that I felt like I was making life happen. Now that I’m just sitting here, it doesn’t feel right. I feel like I should be pondering my deepest part of my soul for hidden answers, but I have gone through all of my answers. There are not hidden truths or personal revelations to be made. So I continue to sit here in a…a still breath. Like I can’t breath because the air here doesn’t move.

I don’t know what to do with that; so, I do nothing.

Add [ON]

I’m going to keep this particular post going for a while, so if you see this appear in your Reader (hopefully, I’m cool enough to BE in your Reader) or you randomly fall upon it in a Google search more than once, don’t fear I’m continually up-dating it with new information. 

This is my “Funny Things About Me” meats (mmm…meats…) “Random Crap I Feel Like Telling You Because I Want You to Know Me, But Really Just Want to be Narcissistic and Talk About Myself” kind of post. 

1. When I become overly, warm-hearted excited my eyes well up. Like a break-through “Come to Jesus” moment I well up and tears began to form, my throat solidifies with a lump of emotions stuck in the back waiting for the first tear to come rolling down my cheek. I smile, I can’t breath and all of the sudden I’m the proudest person for someone else. It’s truly an amazing moment, but I also feel kind of stupid for overreacting. 

You Wanted This…

I have to keep telling myself that. With school, family, friends, life in general I am always forgetting I “wanted” it that way.

When am I going to grow up and realize that being an adult is about sticking to things, things you choose to do…things you started? I better learn soon.