Soulmate or Egomate?

I got this email from Karen Salmon. I posted another blog from her about Abraham Lincoln. This one is just fun to read if you’re dating someone. Maybe you could find the answer you’ve been looking for in your relationship or decide what you want in your next one. Either way, I thought this was fun.

“There’s a great quote in that wonderful tale, “The Little Prince” where the Prince wisely says: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

What this quote describes is “soulmate love” — which is a far more mature lovethan“egomate love” — which too many people get tricked into seeking — and thereby never finding true love and true happiness.

In case you’ve been foolishly getting “soulmate love” confused with its lesser “egomate love” fake and faux pas imitiation — here are some helpful reminders …

Soulmate: A soulmate is someone whom when you meet — without thinking – without letting your neocortex play into the decision – you feel an instant familiarity, a sense of connection, a longing.

Egomate: An egomate is someone who you instantly want because you know they will “look good to others” – because this person is beautiful or rich, or has some ego massaging quality. But this thing you like about this person is a generic superficial quality – rather than the dynamic and tingly connection you feel when with this person.

Soulmate: A soulmate is someone who you could spend a great deal of time with just sitting on a sofa and feel happy. You don’t need fanfare. You don’t need to go out to expensive restaurants. Just being with them cuddling and kissing feels like a vacation.

Egomate: An egomate is someone who you need to spend lots of money on and do ritzy activities with to fully feel the excitement of being with them.

Soulmate: A soulmate is someone who you miss when they’re not around – and can even lose sleep over. When you talk about this person to friends, you might mention their looks or money, but you mainly talk about what makes them special to you – those deeper, less superficial qualities which are about connecting soul to soul. You feel a passionate friendship for this person.

Egomate: An egomate is someone who when you talk about this person to friends, you mainly talk about this person as being rich or beautiful — or any of a variety their trophy qualities which build up your ego. If you’re honest with yourself, some part of you doesn’t respect this partner of yours on certain levels — or even like them as a friend. Indeed if you weren’t dating this person, you might not even be friends with them. Perhaps you even feel a bit bored by them if you spend too much time alone in their company or sitting on a sofa just talking. But your ego overpowers your instincts, because your ego loves talking about how rich or beautiful this person is – and impressing friends and family.

Soulmate: You’re not looking for perfection in your partner. Perfection is all about the ego. With soulmate love you know that true love is what happens when disappointment sets in – and you’re willing to deal maturely with these disappointments. You recognize nobody is perfect. Not only does your partner have imperfections, so do you. And because you value the deep love and connection you are lucky enough to share, you choose to work on your problems and grow as individuals and as a couple. With soulmate love, you’re not only finally ready to wear your heart on your sleeve, but roll up your sleeves and do the necessary work. Your goal with a soulmate is to create the most fabulous “inside world” – inside yourself as a growing individuals and inside your private relationship as a thriving couple.

Egomate: Your ego cares about perfection. A lot. In particular your ego cares about your partner appearing perfect to the outside world. You’re less forgiving about imperfections in your partner because of your ego – because you take your partner’s imperfections personally — as showing you as being imperfect — and your ego does not like your not being perfect. So you put a high priority on looking super cool and perfect to others. Indeed, you are so blinded by the image perks your uber-gorgeous or uber-rich partner offers up. that there’s an immature part of you who doesn’t really feel the need to connect in friendship with your partner – or grow as a person when problems arise in the relationship. You just care about the “ego symbols” you are showing to the outside world.

Soulmate: Your partner could gain weight, lose all their money, lose all their hair – and you wouldn’t care. You love them for their core self.

Egomate: If your partner gained weight, lost their money, lost their hair, you’d lose your “ego symbol”and thereby feel less attracted to this person and want to break up.

In summary
Soulmate love is far more satisfying. Afterall, looks and money can (and often) fade. But a bad personality and bad values and a bad intimacy connection are forever.”

Karen Salmansohn: Be Happy Dammit

The following is an exert from this AMAZING lady that I just had to share. Thanks Karen!

Timeless Happiness Truths: A Penny For Lincoln’s Thoughts
Lincoln was not a lucky guy.

At age seven, he was forced to make money for his family.

At nine, his mother passed, forcing him to work even harder.

At twenty Lincoln lost his seemingly stable job as store clerk … and then by twenty-three he went into debt trying to become partner in a small store.

Three years later, just as his store was picking up speed, his business partner died, leaving him in even more debt.

At twenty-eight, after dating a girl for four years, he got up the gumption to propose. She said no.

Later, when he did eventually marry, his son died at age four.

At thirty-seven, Lincoln was elected to Congress… but… well… that was on his THIRD try. (He then failed to be re-elected. )

At forty-five, Lincoln ran for the Senate. Again: no-go.

At forty-seven Lincoln ran for vice-presidency. But… well…¦ You got it. More no-go, amigo.

At fifty-one, Lincoln was elected President of the United States … which considering his life resume of consistent failure was a very shnazzy title.

How did he achieve this great success? By holding onto some positive Lincoln thinkin.’

Even in the midst of the Civil War — a war which claimed more American lives than any war in history thus far — Lincoln issued a positive proclamation:

“It has seemed to me fit and proper that [the gifts of God] should be solemnly, reverently, and gratefully acknowledged with one heart and one voice by the whole American people. I do, therefore, invite my fellow citizens . . . to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next as a day of thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens.”

How could Lincoln have made such a positive plea during a time of such suffering?

Because Lincoln recognized that even in the midst of tough times, there was always something to be appreciative about. Lincoln had a naturally grateful heart.

As a life/career coach I’ve seen how the power of gratitude can not only change a person’s mood, but their results.

YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Make it a habit to end each day talking with your loved ones about what you appreciated about your day. What made you happy? Proud? Excited? Feel loved? By talking about it with your loved ones, you get double the perky perks, because you’re not only reminding yourself to keep a grateful heart, you’re connecting heart-to-heart!

Oh….and here are some more goodies which Lincoln was thinkin’…

“Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.”

“You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish, if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.”

And my personal favorite Lincoln quote:

“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

And you can QUOTE ME when I say, “No matter what happens today, make up your mind to be happy, dammit!”

God, Pour On The Lemonade

It’s funny only in the sense that I (stupid human) don’t expect God to answer my heart as quickly and profoundly as He does, but here’s something that was forwarded to me that put my fears in their place. Normally, we all don’t like forwards, but this one is worth reading. Seriously.

“A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a Reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot coffee, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot and an assortment of cups – porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite – telling them to help themselves to the coffee he’d prepared.

When they all had their cups of coffee in hand, the professor said:

“Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. The cup that you’re drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups… And then you began eyeing each other’s cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.

God makes the coffee, man chooses the cups.

The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your coffee. “

Just beautiful, isn’t it?

Oh, This Guy Is Good

As I read further in Jim Karger’s blog, I found this little gem of personal (much needed) wisdom.

“Don’t be afraid. Fear paralyzes us. Fear is the dark side of living in the future. Fear is the brother of “hope” which is nothing but fear with a smiley-face painted on it. Look around. What are you doing? If you like what is happening at this moment, you come as close to winning the game as you ever will. If you don’t like it, change it if you can, and see if that works better. If you can’t change it, change the way you feel about it. Look at where you are right this second and if you can find one thing to like, focus on that thing, whether it is your job, your spouse, your pet, or a flower that is growing in the sun — just like you are.”

Oh, he’s good.

I Wish I Could Blog At Work

On my lunch hour I start to do some personal research on this guy’s blog I found yesterday. It’s called “Credibly Connect” by Jim Karger. What makes me stop to right this particular blog (mind you within Word first seeing how I can’t access my blog due to website restrictions) is a paragraph of advice he sends to his daughter. It is as follows:

“Living in the future is a loser. There may be no future (see the bus coming down the street — it may have your name on it). And even if there is a future for you beyond today, don’t allow your ego or some motivational speaker tell you that ‘you have total control over what happens to you.’ No, you don’t. You never did. Genes and environment determine 90% of what will happen to you. You won’t. Ever. Fate has far more control of the external than you ever will. The only thing you have control over is how you feel about what happens and that is your choice everyday.”

I don’t know what to do with this other than to dissect what’s making me stop.

“Fate has far more control of the external than you ever will.”
Okay, so God (He’s my “fate”) has my “external” in His hands. That means: my future; my age; my health; my future mate; my home; my job; my mind; my future children; my physical everything. He’s got it. I can try to do what I want, but that person that I merry is going to be up to when and how He brings them into my life. That job that I get is going to be up to Him as to whether they accept me or not. That success I’m so badly craving? His.

So, the question to follow that statement would be what is mine?

Ah, that leads us onto the next phrase where he says, “The only thing you have control over is how you feel about what happens and that is your choice everyday.”

“…How you feel…” is something I find a bit hard to do. Not so much the feeling part, but the fact that that it’s my only place of “control”. I can get on board with that sort of thinking, but it’s not the easiest concept for me to implement. The funny thing about me is, I’m naturally gifted at implementing. Don’t find me to be stuck up or anything, but I’ve learned what I’m good so I may position myself in a place where I can succeed using those gifts. Nine times out of ten I will do the implementing of any idea. I’m an implementer at work. I’m an implementer with my family and friends. If a plan is out there, I’m going to implement it. So how is it I’m held up on implementing this one crucial plan into my life? Why is this so hard for me?

In some ways I see myself taking steps toward controlling how I feel and in some ways I’m taking action on what I feel. Example: I’ve been secretly jealous that single, twenty-something’s in my area have dogs and I don’t. My excuse before was money and time. Now, that I’m a bit more stable and ready I’m taking that step forward. I’m jumping out of the scared corner of “could this be a mistake” and taking my chances. I know it won’t because I don’t make mistakes with things like this. Perhaps that brazen to say, but another gift I’ve been given is to make something beautiful out of something that either doesn’t fit or work. My house, work, friendships, family is my canvas of such a gift. I throw nothing out unless I find no functional, decorative or artistic usage for it. I’m not saying if this dog doesn’t work out its gone or I’m going to make wall art from her toys. She and I are going to be BFFs. Promise. But, I’m saying that even though I hit mistake bumps (created by myself) God has taught me He can use everything and anything. So, with that I learn to do the same.

But, seriously. What’s with this statement that holds me up? “The only thing you have control over is how you feel about what happens and that is your choice everyday.”

“You have control over…feel…happens…your choice everyday.” I have control over how tired I am at work, so I go to bed early and tell myself during the day, “suck it up”. I have control over how fat I feel by not eating junk or sweets every second of the day. I have control over what I do with my attitude toward my job, my family, my friends, my dating life, my personal life, my spiritual life…

There’s just something breath taking in realizing our only control needs to be our attitude. As a Christian I feel like there are more things I should be doing in realms of “control”, but Christ said so Himself that we need to love above all things. That’s an attitude I don’t always have.

I feel like on a daily basis that I have to control everything. If I’m not in control I flip out and often need to go over and over again steps of control that make me feel at peace. For a while I would freak out about if I had the money to afford things. I was so worried that I wouldn’t have money to afford the cable bill at the end of the month or the phone bill some where in the middle of each month. In order for me to feel that sense of control and let go enough to breath, I would need to go over and over again my finances. I would calculate and recalculate everything, then backing it up with a calendar each time. I felt like my money controlled me. Fortunately, God’s blessed me enough to where I’m doing alright, but that feeling of “control” creeps on me every now and then. With that being said, how do I (the Master of Personal Need for Control) just control my emotions? That should be easy, right?

I don’t want to worry about what will happen in life or the future. I don’t want to worry about whether or not I’m consistently failing or making mistakes within my financial, personal or spiritual realms. I don’t want life to be harder than it needs to be, which seems to be the story of my life. I need to make this apart of my metal process. I want to only control how I feel about what happens to me. Not to say I won’t be making things happen for myself, but at least 80% of the time you just have to react to what’s going on around you. Something good to think about.