Bike Ride #1

So, this morning I thought I would ride my bike to work. I live about .5 miles (if that) from the office; however, I didn’t want to take direct roads, so I set off for a run/ride trail close by. After a few streets of forgetting where the entrance was I found it and realized I am NOT as in shape as I had thought I would be. Remember, I got the bike to ride from school to home (which is AT LEAST 2 miles on direct roads) so if I was working it AND sweating for a quick bike to work imagine what it would be like to ride to school. 

Anyways, once I got on the trail I expected it to be easy breezy because the trail was once a train track so it means a smooth, even track. But, no, no…not for me today. It was a slight up hill climb. So, once I got to work I realized the downhill slope that lead to the parking garage was much steeper than I expected. So, I jumped off and walked the bike to the garage. As I’m rounding the corner I see that our ENTIRE office is evacuating for a fire alarm and is directly facing me as I walk around. 

I’m not interested in going over to where they are standing because a) I’m hot, b) I’m kind of stinky and c) I don’t see anyone I know. So, I begin to fuddle with my lock only to realize that the key I THOUGHT went to my lock was not actually the right key. With that the alarm ends and everyone starts to go inside. Because the lock won’t work I will have to move the bike upstairs for the day. I wait and wait for everyone to get into the elevator until I know I’ll have room for just me and the bike. 

I finally get up to my office and hide the bike in an empty office. Today has been one interesting day already and I haven’t even had my coffee yet.

God In The Workplace

I have to vent this out right now or I might explode.

Last night, I was trying to pray but due to recent fear of loosing my job, buying a home then loosing my job and finding a new job before I loose my job I couldn’t even think of what to say. So, as I sit there glazed over by “blah”, I realized I started feeling claustrophobic in my skin again. This time it was about God. I started to feel trapped and like I was being shoved into this direction I didn’t want to go. My heart, my head, my whole person wanted so badly to be with God, but the direction in which I was going to get there I hated. I became angry, uneasy and then exploded with words I didn’t know I had the power to posses. I can’t even remember what I said except for the general concept of “I know it’s not you (meaning God), but I can’t be a Christ follower this way. It pulls against everything I am.” What way?

The way of everyone else I’ve ever known. Not that I’m about to start my own religion or go Jim Johns on anyone, but I can’t do “Christian” like everyone else. Why was I feeling this way? What was making me pull back so hard from everything I knew? Was it from college and the over preaching? Possibly, but that had been such a long time ago. Was it coming from my parents? Yeah, but I’ve been keeping my distance from them, so why would this be so strong? Then this morning, it hits me: It’s work. 

I work for an Employee-Owned company, which basically means we’re privately owned. In our mission statement or any where in our company’s history have we been founded on Christian principals. We’re not like the United States founded upon God, but rather ran by the majority Christians. We don’t have prayer rooms or anything, but it feels that way. 

In a way, I should have seen this coming, but I didn’t. In my interview I was asked about what I did in my free time. At the time I didn’t do much to talk about and so I said the one thing I was doing: Going to church. I mentioned a church that my boss had formally gone to and we hit it off from there. I was hired within 24 hours. When that conversation had happened between me and I my boss I didn’t think anything of it. I had, point blank, on my resume a degree from a well known Christian university. I like to tell people I’m a Christ follower because, at the core of who I am, that’s who I am. I like to get it out there and let people know so when I talk about Him in reference to “Him” you know who I’m talking about. God is as real in my life as my parents, friends and, even so, my co-workers. 

When I was in college, we were required to go to all these chapel meetings to talk about religion and the media. I was a PR major and we learned real quick the constitution and what freedoms, as Americans (never mind the Americans who are gay, but we’ll talk about that later), we posses. One such freedom is to choose ones religion. Hell, even God Himself gives us that freedom. It drive me crazy when people, stupid people, don’t. 

I’m a big believer that faith is between you and God. It’s about you and Him with no one else. I believe the Church is the body of Christ that pulls us together so in larger numbers we can change the world physically and spiritually. Maybe I have it wrong and Jesus would act the way certain people around my office seem to think He does, but I’ve been on the other side of the fence. I mean, I’ve been there wish whoever was preaching to me about whatever would just stop. I didn’t want to hear it and my heart would harden every time they said something. I’ve been there and know that you can not drill something into someones head and expect them to automatically love God. Not possible, not going to ever be possible. 

I’m throwing out there all the things I agree with so you realize that I’m not against God, people who follow Him or live their lives trying to preach the good news. I’m all for it and if they are able to reach people in a way that speaks to them, great! What I don’t like is feeling berated because I don’t see things your way. 

I know you’re asking yourself why won’t she just get to the point and her it is: Do not bring God to work unless He’s just going to stick around you. Okay, that sounds wrong. What I mean is, when you work in corporate America you can not (by law) chastise a fellow co-worker about their view on religion or what they believe. You can’t. Unless we were friends and I openly started communicating with you about our differences, don’t start. Also, if I did openly start communicating with you about God and religion don’t make it out to be I’m wrong and you’re right. Realize that we’re not sitting in church together, we’re not talking over a pot of coffee at your kitchen table and you can not tell me I’m wrong to believe what I believe in the office. You can’t do that! It’s against the law and creates a huge crack in the foundation of our office. 

This morning, I was telling my boss the humorous story how my mother didn’t want to have to make Halloween consumes two years in a row so we had to wear our Nativity scene costumes (Mary and Joseph) for Halloween. I was laughing about it because I thought it was funny and wanted to share. In saying that, my boss chuckled and then followed with “is that why you’re so turned off to religion?”  What the fuck. 

First of all, when did I tell you I was turned off to religion and secondly, why would you say that to your employee? I could see the joke and laugh like a friend has said it IF my boss and I were, in fact, friends. Sure, we all laugh and can have good times, but we’re all far from friends. There’s no communication in our department and there are levels that no one speaks about. Levels like “we don’t include you funny emails because you’re new even though you’ve been here a year” or “church going people”.  A co-worker and I actually get chastise (with humor as it’s disguise) for drinking. We’re called “boozers” more often than we’re told “good job”. 

The hard part is I’m not easily offended in the office when it comes to people’s personal space and characters. I just don’t understand how this office works. 

I am more uncomfortable about God/religion/church here than I was ever in my CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY or in my last job. Hell, my last job was family owned and if they wanted to pray over things and talk about God in their history they could! 

What is the hardest thing to handle is what do I do next? We have a company hotline I could call and make a complaint, but what would the point be? There are two new people (including myself) and everyone else has been working here so long they would know it was one of us. Plus, I don’t think they would manage their behavior in the right way either. I want to say it to their faces but then worry what if I get fired? I guess thus the more reason to get out of here and go some where else. 

It’s just so sad to me that they don’t even realize that their desire to bring us closer to God turns us farther away.

Shy Pee-er

I didn’t realize I was a shy pee-er until I started working for my current company. I would define “shy pee-er” as one who’s shy about going potty because it’s either too quiet or there are people in the room. I use to not care and just let nature go (peeing that is), but since I started working here there is far too many bathroom problems that make it hard to just…go. 

1. You do not take your cell phone with you to the bathroom. I know we’ve had this discussion before, but it’s one that obviously no one got the memo for. If you have an important, private phone call why, oh why, would you take it into a echoing bathroom? I can actually hear the conversation outside the bathroom because it echos so badly. 
2. You do not hog an entire stall (is that the spelling for the word?) with your gym bag. You change into your workout clothes and then take the bag BACK to your desk/office. Do not hang your clothes in the stall like it’s your personal locker room so when that’s the only stall left to use I have to move around your work clothes and bag. 
3. Do not talk to me while you’re taking a #2 in the stall next to me. Pretend like I’m not there or that you’re not there. Either way, don’t try to have a conversation with me. 
4. This one does not really count as why I’m a shy pee-er, but still needs to be addressed. Please, please, please wash your hands. Don’t just rinse them in water and go, but take the time to use the soap. If not, use the anti-bacterial stuff on your way out. We all have to touch the door handle and it would greatly relieve me if I knew you had washed your hands after whipping your “hoo”. Thanks. 

Wide Awake

Why am I still awake? It’s two a.m. and I am sitting here, not able to make myself go to bed. It’s like there’s something final or ever changing about laying down. I’m not sure what it is, but I feel sad. I feel like the more I keep moving the more I don’t realize it’s there.

I feel sad about me and Amy. As you know we’ve broken up, dated again and now balance a tight rope between both unsafe territories. Ever since I told my mother I took one step forward in my person, but several steps back in the heart of our relationship. My mother’s words hunt my mind; her disapproval shifts my mindset towards gray. Perhaps I’ve been sitting grey for too long and am finding myself on the verge of black or white? I don’t know…what I do seem to know is I won’t be able to successfully have a lesbian relationship while I live here. With my parents so close, it wouldn’t matter who it is I know I couldn’t do it. I think that’s what saddens me. Here Amy’s out on a Friday night date with the same girl for over the past few weeks and I can’t say nothing. No words form out of the darkened emotions because I know she has to. I know that her moving on is safer than waiting. I know her working on her heart letting go is better for her in the long run. I know all these things so I remain quiet.

My fear is I’ll never know what a success this relationship could have been because I’ll never let my live in it here. Guilt is a very powerful tool used by church, family and self. What should remain between our souls and God has transcended into our everyday lives wrapped in concern and worry.

What I also fear is that this is what we need to do. Walking away from our relationship is for the best, too. What if this is exactly the steps we’re suppose to take and it just hurts?

Division. Seems to be the great divide of my person in about every way. Fortunately for me I start counseling next Tuesday. I’m hoping to organize my thoughts and emotions. I want a non-partial party to help me hear myself, do what I say and generally tell me I’m either crazy or not. I also think I might be mildly either bi-polar or ADD. My brother’s highly ADD and it would just make sense if I were, too.

Blah, blah, blah, blah…shesh, why am I still awake?!

I did manage to clean my apartment, move my desk around and fix some decorative things since my furniture rearranging. Lame on a Friday night, I know, but all my other plans feel through. Well, when I say other plans I really mean people to eat home made pizza with me and watch a movie were not able to come. Oh well.

Part of me wishes she would call. Maybe that’s why I’m still up. Maybe I’m hoping that after a night of drinking and going out she’ll want to talk to me. Last night I joined her in celebrating a mutual friend’s birthday. I was so close to not going because I was a) broke, b) not sure about seeing everyone since our break up on someones birthday c) wasn’t feeling good at all d) nervous about drinking with her. I was rude to her the entire night and constantly pulled out things to bring her down. Why was I being such a bitch? Because I didn’t know how else to be.

When I first saw her I felt a rush. The more our close proximity sank in as we drove there, the more I pulled away. By the end of the night there was lingering touches and silence. I was tired and still not feeling good, but (mainly) I was torn. I wanted her make the move, but was scared to death if she did. Scared because I feel like a relational time bomb – ready to explode, destroy everything around me and walk away. I realize how unfair this is to her. She’s not the one who said in the first place, “it’s over”. She would still be in this if I had never said anything. I just couldn’t go any further with such division in me knowing she was walking with me. It’s one thing to hurt yourself, but a whole other story when someone else’s heart is involved.

No matter what would happen right now, the smart thing is to keep our distance. Tomorrow she and I are going to spend a large part of the day together. I’m hoping the conversation of “us” never comes up or she asks me “how are you doing?” I hate when she asks that. I know she’s really asking, but it always unleashes a mighty wave of emotional verbage that NO ONE should have to hear unless being paid for it. In steps the role of “Therapist”.

Well, I am off to bed. I promise, soon, I will stop writing such drama/emotional blogs. Eh, there’s such a downer. I would much rather share funny stories of my day and what happy things I’m thinking about. Ooohhh, like this one…so there’s this guy at work Krissy and I are trying to figure out is gay or not. It doesn’t really matter because neither of us a) care or b) are interested, but our boss said something one time about how he thought “Sam” was gay. Ever since then we have been trying to figure it out. We’re bad, I know. I’m sure my boss and co-workers are trying to figure the same thing about me, too. Ha!

Actually, I think my boss and reporting manager knows, but I’m not just going to say it. My co-workers, whether they would admit or not, are a bit unsure about the whole “gay” thing. Sure they can respect it and, by law, not make a big deal about it, but I think deep down they don’t agree with it and it creeps them out. Some of them I think really don’t care. Well, I say “some” when really I mean Conni. Also, my boss and I talked about my blog today. He asked me if I blogged and I said “yes”. He said, “would anyone be able to find you?” I quickly told him of my anonymity and that the only way anyone who knew me could find me was if I told them about it. Yeah, I use real first names, but NO ONE has an unusual name to be Google or anything. I highly doubt he would look, but it was funny.

I like pulling them out of their regular world. I like making some of them think about things and consider other options. I’ll never ask them to think like me, but encourage them to be honest by me being honest (minus the whole bi thing). I like them even though they sometimes leave me out of the loop. The way I see it is I’m not going to stay in this career forever and might as well have an effect on people. I’m hoping that if they do find out I’m bi they would be surprised on how they feel about it. I hope they wouldn’t jump to judgement or disgust, but would see I’m a real, God fearing woman just trying to be honest in life while I figure it all out. As long as they see Jesus in me, I really don’t care about the rest.

Are You F-ing Kidding Me?

Okay, I’ve about had it with the way my office currently works. I don’t want to plant bring down my co-workers with bad thoughts, so I’ll type out my frustration here.

First of all, how is a marketing group suppose to work together when there’s division? When we keep things to ourselves and assume no one needs to know? Just ten minutes ago, my reporting manager and co-worker grabbed their purses and left. It’s not lunch time so I can’t say they were just going to lunch together (which is TOTALLY fine by me). I can only assume they had a meeting with someone about something for this department and THAT’s what frustrates me.

Yes, my reporting manager can do what she wants and I don’t have to know anything about it, but when you involve a co-worker of semi-equal status as the rest of us it separates us. You have just successfully told me and Krissy that we’re NOT important. That some how the time we give here in the almost year we’ve worked under your supervision and along side you that we’re just second rank. Last time I check we were a department looking to foster a collective partnership. How in the hell do I want to do that NOW when you’ve skirted around me?

I hate that! Plus, if we’re not invited to participate in the future plans of our printed materials and/or marketing department the least you could have done was say, “hey, we’re going to run to a meeting be back in a couple of hours.” Not just gather your belongings and walk out quietly.

They better be planning some secret surprise party for Krissy and I because it will be the only thing that could make me feel better about the total cold shoulder you just gave us.

I left a job because of that (and a few million other things). I’m quite frustrated to see that happening her, too.

Coffee…Dark and Good

There’s something to be said about the smell of a good cup of coffee right before you drink it. I like to savor these little moments because for just a second I’m out of the office, sitting on a patio of my favorite cafe, with casual clothes on thinking only about that next sip. Ah, damn…reality and I’m at my desk spilling it all over my self. Damn.

Well, on to better news than my coffee stained top, I have a meeting today with my career councilor to talk about what I can barter with for her time on helping me achieve the inner job-chi (is that even spelled right?). Bartering…I don’t know if I’m really that good at it, but I’m going to give it a go. Something, ANYTHING has to be better than where I am right now.

God and I talked it over the other day and I’ve come to peace with the fact that THIS job is just a temporary fill for what’s to come. In other words, I’ll keep making money while I try to figure it out before I leave. Yes, good plan. Well, except for the fact that it’s overly annoying to be here and I actually feel claustrophobic around 5:00 p.m…

Sorry, I just was interrupted with work. Gesh, the nerve. (Totally kidding because I DO realize I still have to work here regardless how I feel.)

Like I was telling my girlfriend a couple of weekends ago, I want to have my own schedule and not feel like I have to work for the man. I think for the first time in a long time I really don’t like the man. I thought I would love the corporate life, but seriously it sucks. I’m over it and am ready for steady, ready fun in the small business, but still kick your ass in work kind. Yeah, that’s what I’m ready for.

I’m hoping that my lunch meeting with Career Councilor is going to open my eyes a little more the mystery that is my career life. I’m so ready to quit the job I’m in and start working from scratch on my friend’s photography business. Check it out…it’s amazing. Oh, but I have to warn you the website is under maintenance, so the blog isn’t there but her portfolio is and she’s kick ass.

Stall Talkers

My working environment seems to be full of Bathroom Talkers. Yes, these people that seem to be able to carry on full conversations with coworkers having no disregard for privacy. I mean, it makes uncomfortable for someone I don’t know to share a conversation with me as I pee.

What’s more strange is that more people in my office feel it’s okay to walk in and talk on their cell phone. It’s either one or two kinds of people that do this. One, the person trying to go to a “private” place, but doesn’t realize that the ceilings are high and the tile bounces their voice like a kickball of a fourth grader’s face. Two, the person who doesn’t care who’s on the other line, but needs to pee anyways and won’t hang up.

I wonder about number one (pun intended) because though they whisper, everyone outside the bathroom door can still hear them. On top of that I feel like I should advert my ears to another sound as to not listen.

Number two (again, pun intended) just irrigates me. I almost feel like I should have you and the person on the other line sign a privacy document of some sort for hearing me pee. I can’t imagine talking to someone and them hearing me pee in the background and then flush. What if you heard this and realized they didn’t wash their hands?

I know this happens to people all the time. I just didn’t think this would happen to me at least once a week, every week since I’ve been working here. It’s really odd. Even when you go to more public places the bathroom never seems to work like this one.

Yet, another reason why this company is a bit weird.

You Jerk!

So, I have this manager that often doesn’t listen to me or take me seriously. We just had a meeting that he made me go over information I’ve already informed him about, then had the audacity to through me under the bus during it all! IDIOT!

For a little over seven months I had the job that did all the posting on our internal website. I knew and understood very well the inner workings of the website and tried to educate him on the process; however, it obviously never stuck!

It just frustrates me, because I seriously want to move forward in my career and I feel like he’s just one huge road-block stopping me. I can’t don anything without him knowing and there’s no way I can move forward without his hand having to be in it!

Why can’t he trust the fact that I’ve been doing my job well and above average that I would do a great job on my own? He says we should work as a team, yet I have to wait for him to move first. I know that being a woman in a male dominated corporate office places me in a difficult position, but seriously! I should be able to do my job and take charge in projects. He doesn’t have time for it all anyways. All he does is stress himself out, then take it out on us because we’re not pulling out weight. What!?!

I just have to keep fighting and getting past these stupid little things. I won’t be with this company forever and there has to be something to learn. Perhaps it’s how to be patient with stupidity or people who think emotionally? Maybe it’s how to work to my best amidst least desirable company? I don’t know, but I’ll keep pressing on.

What’s In A Name?

At work, my office is currently going through pop culture’s spin on nicknames. “Cougar” and “Chicken Hawk” have been the most recent names floating about. How? Well, it began after I went on a night out to a bar and getting hit on by a “cougar”. Then followed the questions, “what’s a ‘Cougar’?” Once we all became fully aware of this new/not-so-new name, it hasn’t stopped rolling off the tongue.

What’s up with nick names? The names that are combined into one word? Really?

To most interesting part to sharing pop culture in the office is how it opens each of us to better knowing each other. I’ve never heard a sixty-year old woman say “she’s a Cougar” before, but I guess there’s always a first.