“You’re So Gay”

Okay, let me take, yet another blog to discuss being gay. Well, I’m not saying I’m fully gay, but it seems more each day I’m getting there.

I started this whole happening with a thought in college. This was a thought pushed away from thoughts before it, this time only too strong to push out. It engrossed me and became all I could think about. I was completely turned on by the idea of being with girl. Everything in me screamed “hide it, hide it” and so I did. I prayed for it to go away and it was gone the next morning. Weird, huh?

As I pushed it as far back as I could I thought, “Wow, that was a close one.” Like being gay was something you could catch and I was almost a goner. Right. But, hey, this old school, Southern raised Christian was afraid of anything she didn’t understand. I was completely alright with gay men growing up. It was the lesbians that freaked me out. Now that I think about it, they didn’t freak me out so much as I was scared I was one of them.

I don’t know if it’s me fooling myself into thinking that I had early thoughts of being gay or if it really is the truth, but since I’ve allowed myself to go there and feel it out, I’ve discovered that it may not be as “untouched” as I thought. I can remember in high school finding out that one of my fellow team mates was a lesbian and I got all worried like, “Would she want me?” or “Is she looking at me”. You know, the typical straight girl dance that happens nearly every time they find out one of their friends is a lesbian. I wasn’t upset that she was, but more worried that I would be wanted. Ha! If anyone could have seen me back then, you would have asked yourself “Why would SHE be wanted?” I don’t mean to say that I was ugly or anything, but my small, non-bust frame was the last thing I’m sure she wanted.

After the day of “I could catch it” ran through my head I pretended like everything was okay. For a while I was worried someone would find out and then I would be in trouble. Remember, I went to a small Christian university in the middle of no where with people who’s values were as tightly laced as Joan Rivers face is to her skeleton. These were small minds with huge, gossiping tongues. After THAT day faded into my distant memory, I didn’t think another thing about it until I saw “The OC”.

No, I don’t really like this show, but its drama sucked me in one night during the summer of countless reruns. I’m watching wondering who’s going to cheat on whom and BAM there it is: Lesbian loving. “What the hell,” I thought to myself. Why can’t I just get away from this? What was the hardest thing for me to come to grips with was I LIKED IT. It actually turned me on and I kept thinking, “That’s it, I’ve caught it.” So, I push it far back once again hoping to not deal with it until I was far from school and my parents. Lucky for me that didn’t happen.

Her name was Anna and I didn’t see it coming. What started out a friend crush (everyone has them) turned into a romance so dramatic and emotional it took almost six months to pull away from. I still have moments when I wonder what she’s doing. Gross.

This relationship was the most dramatic relationship I’ve EVER been in. Hell, it could have been a show. There were secret love affairs, cheating lovers, dark secrets, blackmail and emotional fights. I can honestly say I have lived the life of a TV show on ABC. Grey’s Anatomy has nothing on me. Okay, maybe they have a little bit more seeing how I’m no longer in connection with Anna or her OTHER lovers.

What kept that relationship going, besides the emotional drama and dependency, was the thought “this is it.” I kept telling myself this was only a moment where I would let myself do what I wanted to do and then call it quiets. After all I DID like men and wanted to date guys that weren’t looking to find their wife and shop at Hollister. (Note: I have nothing against these types of guys, but they’re just not what I would be looking for in a guy. Also, I doubt these kinds of guys would not be looking for a girl like me either.)

I kept telling myself that it was only a fling and I wasn’t really gay. I still liked men and wasn’t about to say I was “bi”. Bisexual was the term girls used in high school for experiment with boys and girls. I’m NOT an experimenter. I did not wish to be labeled as a person who sexually played the field. Sex is a bit more important to me and I don’t want to just do it with anyone. Thus the reason I don’t like one night stands, but I’m digressing.

Where was I…oh yes, “thinking it was over”. I didn’t want to end being with a girl, but was ready to get out of that tumultuous relationship. Nothing good ever came from being with her. If anything I became worse in person because of our horrible relationship. It was really at it’s best for the first three months, then she cheated on me and it was never the same. (Side Note: Why do we hold on to things that just make us worse?)

At the close of our nasty relationship (which, could have only ended in a nasty way), I put being with girls behind me. I thought that was it and it was time I became serious with men. I had always wanted to date, but was too picky for half the guys I ever went to school with. Now that I was free and able to do what I wanted, I was ready to date serious, hard working guys. Then I met Amy.

Amy is a complicated matter, because it wasn’t suppose to happen the way it did. We were friends that worked together and started hanging out together outside of work. She was the first person I really told about my relationship with Anna. Lisa was the first, but Amy was someone who understood from personal experience (she being a lesbian herself). So, through that we had an instant bond. I think I was a little enamored at first with her. She’s eight years my senior and is a well accomplished graphic artist. She had lived in the city for the majority of her early twenties and knew a lot about things around town. I had puppy eyes for her. She quickly became my best friend. What I keep failing to mention is that she was married. Yes, not legally, but in the state of all gay relationships emotionally (which, might as well be as bonded as with a wedding certificate). She was married to a very talented teacher that I also liked very much. Now, before you get all dirty wondering if this is going to turn into a “three’s company” affair, let me stop you right now. There was no sneaky-sneak between any of us. No, no…don’t go there.

What was a great friendship quickly turned into infatuation. The attraction between the two of us resulted in our friendship and work relationship ending very quickly. Neither of us were about to go there. After some time, I started dating a guy I met in a bar. Key Note for the Ladies: Don’t date a guy you meet in a bar. He was boring and totally not interested in me except for sex. Ehh…I was so over him, but kept dating him anyways. It was like I had to prove to myself I still liked guys. Too bad I picked the wrong guy to date. He was cute to look at, but not much else.

After spending some time alone, collecting my thoughts, I just gave up figuring it out. I thought the right guy would come along when I least expected it and I wasn’t able to get all hot and bothered by it not happening fast enough. I wasn’t looking to get married, but have a good conversation with someone that challenged me. So far, only one guy ever met that. David’s old news and dates too far back to go into, but he’s been the only guy.

Funny enough, Amy and I picked up our friendship again. She and her partner were having trouble well before I got there, and I guess I just made it worse because three months later they split up. Several months after that we started dating. I went back and forth on if I was gay and I had to know in order to date her. I wanted to tell my parents and jump to all sorts of conclusions about myself that have totally changed since then. I didn’t know what to think about it. We were constantly on and off.

FINALLY, I reached a point of peace. December 2007 I realized I was a true “bisexual”. Ah, it’s weird to type because I still have that negative stereo type in my head, but I’m working around it. In January, I found that I had to be with her and wanted no one else to have her. So in short, I found my partner in crime and a little bit more of who I am.

Wow, I say all that to really go into this: Do I Still Like Men? Hmm…Yes. I just have never met a guy that I wanted to date. I’m either bored or catering to them and their whims that it becomes about me trying to impress them to stay with me. What? That’s just messed up. Now, I’m not saying I’m looking to date a guy or anything. I’m very happy in my current relationship and am not looking. I just find myself admits a bunch of ladies all the time, that I started to wonder “am I going all gay”?

A bit funny to be asking yourself that, but since I’m emotionally too deep for my own good I ask it anyways. Damn those psychology courses in college.

Tickle Me Pink

Here’s to St. Patrick’s Day!

Yes it is early, but who doesn’t love a good excuse to drink? Some, I’m sure, don’t need an excuse.

Last night I decided to make a mixed drink and the taste was amazing! The mix starts with two shots of gin, two shots of cranberry juice, and two tablespoons of Valencia syrup. Fill a martini glass half way with mixture then pour champagne. Oh, so good.

Well, little did I realize how good it was until I noticed I had in fact drank four glasses worth and finished the champagne off all on my own! Now, I’m not the sort of drinker that enjoys a bottle of champagne on her own. I had a friend over who played it smart with beer.

All I can say is I never felt such a great high and quick drop with one drink before (minus vodka). The pain I felt last night was horrible. Up and down I swam in my bed and I thought my stomach was going to give up. PLUS, this morning was horrible. I was still a bit tipsy and felt the effects of what a WHOLE BOTTLE of champagne will do to you.

Thank God for coffee and giant Cinnamon rolls to help cure the hangover blues.

To Myself

I’m fine. This is a process that must be taken slowly. You’ve never tried taking anything slowly. You rush too much. You rush so fast that you ruin any chance of something working out because you freak out, loose interest or jump too quickly towards a path that you later have to work to undo. Remember that time you said you were going to a Christian college? Remember the rush you put on that very important decision? See how it turned out? You didn’t even weigh your options. You didn’t even slow down to judge whether it was a good fit. You just took the first thing that came along expecting that it would be the best thing out there. You remember thinking how would God let you do something you should be apart of? Well, He let you walk head first into something you should have thought more about. Don’t try to sweep it under the rug. You’re fine. Take it slow.

Remember the time you rushed to fall in love with the boy who was giving you all the signs he wasn’t in this for the long run? Remember how he tried to keep you, but really just needed your friendship? Remember how you rushed into thinking that he was the one and spent several years missing him? Remember how stupid you felt?

Remember the time you rushed into that relationship with about every guy you’ve dated? Remember how quick you were to be their girlfriend and have them be your boyfriend? Remember?

You rush too fast, you freak out. You want people to know what you’re thinking or where you are, when you’re not ready to tell them. Telling them won’t make this path any easier. Telling them wont help you figure it out. Telling them will only place distance between you. Allow timing to be right. Allow yourself the opportunity to stand alone in your strength verses looking for someone elses. You can’t even say why you’re here yet. You can’t even muster the energy or the courage to fight right now. Trust me, you’ll have to fight. You have to be 100% or 99% ready to say “this is it”. Don’t fight this battle just because you want to say it out loud. She’s not going anywhere. Neither are you.

You’re like you’re scared little puppy. You freak out at the thought of someone not knowing you’re there. You freak out at the thought of being alone. You’re afraid to turn them away from you, but you’re also afraid to let them influence you. You like who you are. You like where you’re going. You’re proud to look in the mirror. You talk with God because you want to. You love your King because you know His forgiveness and patience. Allow that to be enough. Allow that to help you through your young years. Allow it.

Conviction

Okay, I need to take a mental dump for a second. I’m overwhelmed with thoughts about my parents. Recently I’ve found myself in relationship (yes, relationship) with someone of the same sex that I love being with. She makes me excited, happy and at peace; however, every now and then I get this overwhelming urge to tell my parents that I’m openly Bi. My mother knows I’m “struggling” (as she would like to see it), but thinks it’s just a part I’ll get out of. What if I don’t?

I think what frustrates me is that I feel this way. Rather have my life separate from my life with my family, I have the deep need to blend the two together peacefully. Right.

Anyways, this weekend I find myself going to see them. I know the way my parents are. They’ll ask me about every thing going on in my life as if to make a quick sweep of things their not continuously keeping up with. Because of that I feel this overwhelming need to be up front. My father already assumes, but is too afraid to talk to me or admit this is where I am. So, he remains silent. My mother wants to ask, but once she does she’s quick to make me think. I know this isn’t something my parents want for me. My mother describes it as “unnatural” and my father as a “struggle for the rest of my life”. That’s okay that they feel this way, but how should I feel about me when I’m with them?

What’s with this desire to get them to know the full truth about me?

As Christians we’re called to call (in love) another brother or sister out when their actions fall short of the glory of God. My parents see this as “falling short”. Okay, so how do I handle the conversation I feel I don’t have energy for?

How is it that I find myself totally happy to be in this moment, but am afraid to fight them? Fight them in the conversation as to why I think it’s okay or as to why it’s my CHOICE to do so. Fight them in that they have to let me do my own thing because my life is not theirs.

That’s not to say I’m done with this journey or am ready to bow out, but rather how do I do this? I wish I could just not feel this need to tell them, but I do. It’s this overwhelming, God-given feeling to be honest with my parents. I don’t feel like eating or drinking. I don’t feel like doing anything except telling them. I wish it was okay to email them. I wish I could call my mother and have her undivided attention. Just so that I don’t have to see their face. Just so I don’t have to know how they react right away. Just so…I get it out now.

Oh God, take this out of my head until the right time. Let it rest in Your timing, Your hands.

Indepth Bisexual

I’m blogging and reading until I decide to do a little googling. I come across the L Word last episode and watch the whole thing. I guess if you read my blogs you could see what had me up so late thinking. I probably shouldn’t be talking to you about this, but I almost don’t know where to turn. I can blog and I’ve talked to God about it, but I’m still left wanting.

What does it mean to be situationally Bi? If I emerge myself into the gay culture and don’t do anything but that I’ll want to stay forever. Once I get out and do something outside of that I want to stay in that. Is that wrong? Imagine how confusing that is to some one who just wants to walk down one path. I want to move in the direction of the future, but which one is that? Both can not intertwine. At least I don’t know how they can.

It’s so alluring being in a lesbian relationship. It also sounds intoxicating being in a relationship with a man. I find myself wanting both, but not able to find peace in either one. What do I do?

Like I said, I doubt that you’re the best person to discuss this with. I’m sorry if I offend you or make you uncomfortable.

I just don’t know if I can do the long haul with a woman, but I also know that I’m not ready to walk away from right now with a woman. I’m watching the L Word and two women with a child. Not that there’s anything with that, but for me I’m held up on the idea. I’m also held up on the idea of old age.

I’ve grown up with the whole “going old and having babies” with a man. Not that the idea isn’t beautiful with a woman; I just don’t know how to move forward with that. I freak out at the idea of forever. I feel bad for that. But you know I also freak out with guys, too. The fact that I know I can’t be with a woman is sad, too.

Either way, I guess I’m not going to be 100% happy. Right? IS that right?

I’m so jealous of those who like one gender and one gender only. They seem to me to have it so easy. They’re not attracted to both. They don’t have to decide which lifestyle they want to live. Maybe that’s not a bad thing to some, but to this goal oriented person it’s not fun. I want to start walking the road toward finding the right person to spend the rest of my life with. No, I don’t want to be serious ANY time soon, but I want to start meeting the people that help influence the kind of person I’m looking for. I think every one prepares you for your future mate. What do I do with being prepared for a guy while dating a girl? What do I do with being prepared for a girl while dating a guy? Two different genders and two different ways of responding to the way we’re built naturally. I date a girl and then date a guy. I’m only ending up starting over each time.

Not fair. Not fair at all.

I know, I know. It’s just up to me, but it doesn’t really feel that way. I see myself with both. I want both. Not one more than the other. Yeah, being with a guy would be easier with my family and people, but I also feel that’s not the way for me to decide. Maybe I don’t decide, but I feel like if I don’t start trying to figure it out I’m going to feel confused and lost.

“I Just Want Back In Your Head…”

This time in life for me has come as a rather odd junction within my career, life path and mind set. Recently I’ve been dealing with thoughts of whether I’m gay, bi or straight with a past couple of female relationships. I’m not gay because honestly I don’t like being with women. I don’t like the emotional, female competition that happens when you date. I don’t like that with women you often get more than you bar gin for and I fall out very quickly with them because of the disconnect. So, not gay.

I’ve thought maybe I’m bi. That’s a big possibility. You see I’m liking the sexual part of being with a woman. I can appreciate a woman’s body and the erotic pleasure that comes from being with a woman. My heart actually races at the thought, but it ends there. Again, I’m with a woman. Possibly bi.

Now here’s the part that gets tricky. I like men. I gravitate towards a man in that I prefer a mans view of things. I like how a man thinks and how easy a relationship can be that doesn’t move too quickly. Yeah, female relationships don’t have to move that fast, but they often do. Once those walls fall down (close to the second month of knowing each other or the fourth date) you find yourself in one intense “relationship”. With a guy, you often have to fight to get to that feelings (which occurs often several months into the dating relationship). I fall faster for a woman than I do a man, but then I’m falling out for a woman faster than I do a man.

Okay, okay…I’m not really writing to the point of what I’m really thinking about. I like butch women. Not the sloppy, trucker looking, squaty butch women. No offense to those who feel like that’s their category, but I’m just not interested in a full butch woman. I would like someone that is athletic, more masculine in their mind set and demeanor, and someone that looks almost boyish punk. Does this make me bi? I am totally attracted to a woman like this and don’t mind so much that she really is a woman. I like breast and would prefer all the natural parts still be there. But really? Does that make me bi? Would you consider me straight?

I know I’m rambling, but for the first time (somewhat out loud) I’m admitting that I like the same sex that looks and acts like a man.

I’m young and want to be able to date, but I suck at it. I’m the “one guy” kind of girl. Once I like someone, I like them. I don’t look at other people and I don’t really stray, but I find myself more and more needing to not get serious. Right now I’m seeing someone great and I know she’ll be reading this. There are so many things I have learned to fall in love with about her through our friendship that have only been deepened by our small, but impactful dating relationship. No “girlfriend” status and that’s okay. I have often found that I thrive on those words. I’ve needed them before to define who I was to someone, but now (while I’m searching me out) I can’t even go there yet. Everything in me is screaming “go slow!”

She and I have been on and off for several months and constantly find ourselves trying to salvage our friendship. I’ve never remained friends with anyone I either date or in a relationship with. I can’t, but with her I’ve had to try harder than I thought I knew how to make it work. I’m often very scared of what we’re turning into and where we’re going because I know how hard it is for me to be her friend after we take breaks. Why we take breaks? I’m still trying to figure what I’m wanting. I’m on and off again all the time because I’m scared and then empowered. I’m easily swayed. I can watch a movie, tv show or listen to music and have my heart swayed. You see we work together and she’s my everything person. I go to her with a funny commercial I saw or a serious conversation I need to have. I have such a hard time dealing with “us” when we’re off because I know how much she wants to be “on”. Recently, I’ve come to this understanding that I have to trust her to take care of herself. We’ve done this several times that she knows where I am and why I’m acting the way I do. She knows I swing left and right so quickly that we’re always “on” and “off”. That doesn’t give me the right to play with her heart or emotions, but I’m also trying to figure out where I am. I often wonder if this is a bad idea. Not because I don’t love her, but because I need her more as my friend.

Must be nice to have the option, right? No. Not the case. I can’t just say “let’s be friends” when I feel the way I do. The thing is, I haven’t had any conversation with her on what I’m feeling or what I’m wanting to do because I don’t want to ruin what we’re enjoying right now. Every time we have the talk we end up being “off”, hating our lives and wishing for better days. We have to learn to fight the hard parts all over again and pretend like we really like being friends only.

I’m going to a new job and maybe that will change things, but I don’t know how. It almost has to. I’ll be working on a new schedule and getting to know new people. I have a rule and it’s not to date co-workers. I broke it for her and I’m planning on not ever breaking it again. It made our working relationship so awkward every time we were “off” again. So, no worries about me dating anyone from work, but I wonder will this new job change me. Will it change this part of me?

I don’t’ know what I want, but what I do know is I want easy. I don’t want quick, deep romance or hot sex. I want friendship and patience. I want answers and understanding. I want peace with my reflection and hope for my person tomorrow. I keep flipping and flopping about what I want. I just want to find it and stay there. It’s not that I don’t want her because I’m going to stay in this. It’s that I want to slow down and find myself. I want peace with myself and where I’m going not for anyone else but me. I don’t want her waiting by the phone for me, but I want her to be open with our attraction. I don’t really want to see her date other people, but I don’t want her waiting around for me to decide something. Some times I feel like she’s waiting for me to say “yes” or “no”. I know she doesn’t want to move on and I don’t really either, but doesn’t that make us serious? Doesn’t that make us more than I can handle right now?

In high school I dated my best friend. I thought it was the relationship made in heaven because not only did he make me laugh but he knew me completely. We dated on and off for years, until I started dating someone else. We were in “off” mode and I found myself attracted to this guy that I decided to date. Once I started spending time with him, Taylor (best friend) started getting angry. Long story short, our friendship ended with him not wanting to talk to me. I hated it at first, but once I got into the habit of not having him around I realize how much I depended on him. Not only was he the person I talked to every day, but the person I crushed on, too. His emotions would flair when I would want “out”. By the time our friendship ended we were fighting almost every day and basically blaming each other for everything wrong in our lives. I say all that because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of this happening to me and Amy. Yeah, I finally typed your name.

I don’t want to be at that point where you’re so exhausted with the other person and all the stuff that wasn’t easy that you just run. This is why I have such a hard time being friends after I date. I don’t like things that are voluntarily hard. I don’t like it when perfect friendships get mucked up with drama attached to emotions that run deep. I’m so afraid of this “on” and “off” again thing with Amy will turn into what happened with me and Taylor. I don’t want to say “it’s over” with her. I don’t want to have to walk away in order to stay sane. You can’t be dependent on someone otherwise you end up feeling trapped. I know I’m not trapped with Amy. I know that’s not what I feel toward her or when I’m with her. I’m just afraid it could come our way. That’s one thing I know about me, I hate feeling trapped. I hate feeling like I can’t breath with people because I know the only way I feel at peace is to push them away. With everything in me I don’t want this to happen to us. I’m just scared.

I guess I don’t what else to right about. This was more of a mental dump, if you will. So please don’t judge.