Tonight, I have a very surreal experience to have happen: I’m going to have drinks with my first girlfriend. This is the first girlfriend whom I was with for a year and had the most dramatic, crazy relationship of my life. The funny thing now is that I’m completely over it.

There is nothing about the past relationship that I care about nor have ANY emotional feelings for. I can actually sit there with her and talk to her as if she was someone I just met or a friend I had way back in the day. I love that though.

I’m not seeking a deeper friendship with her, but I am enjoying having one with her none-the-less.

Lately, I realize I am missing the connection with people. I don’t communicate with the guy I’m seeing very well and I don’t have a confidante anymore. So, in sort, I’ve been craving that friendship with someone.

As much as I enjoy talking to God about my day and issues, I miss talking to someone more audible. I miss trusting someone so fully with my life story that every detail is enjoyable to share. I’m sure I’ll get that back with someone one day, but right now I’m in the waiting.

In other news, I’m over it. I’m over the hype of relationships, I’m over the issues of the past and I just want to more forward.

I feel like I’ve been drowning in “relationship” woes for the past month and I’m done with it. I don’t know what that means, necessarily, for my current relationship, but for my brain it’s about letting it all go.  Right now I just don’t want to be attached, which makes me think I’m probably going to spend some time alone for a while since that seems to be my route of choice.

I like the feeling of not being connected with someone to the point where your week is determined by theres. Bah! Whatever…over it.

Sorry I seem to be rambling. I’m just letting my brain flow.

I’m super excited to be seeing my therapist next week, since he’s really the only person I speak openly with now. Sad, but true in that he’s my only person I actually share things with. I’m so ready to get so much off my chest, seek advice and just talk through so much crap. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts resemble a field of really tall grass and weeds. That whenever I’m trying to clear the field I start by horribly walking through a small patch moving it around with my hands versus a large John Deer tractor or something. I would say my therapist is the John Deer. He cuts it all down for me and makes it manageable.

When I was a kid, I would visit my grandpa and he would take me out to the land he owned and have me ride with him on the huge tractor cutting down the fields and fields of grass. Some of the tips of grass would reach my knees and tickle like crazy. It would be hot, but we would clear the path. Grasshoppers would be jumping here and there trying to get out of our way. After the field was all mowed we would scarf down the Papa Johns my grandma would bring as a reward. I love that I grew up  in the country for bits and pieces of my life.

One of my most favorite things to do, is drive down to this lake near my parents house in the evening, roll down all the windows and let a good CD play. Usually, I would do this during the summers after I worked the closing shift. The sound of the water hitting the shore, the creaks of the bugs around me and the breeze coming off the wall of the dam would just sooth my soul. I felt safe and alone. I wish I could find a place like that around me now where I felt safe to do that.

There are so many things about nature that just bring me back to home where I’m at peace and my mind is in a simpler place. The funny thing is, I’m a city girl. I wouldn’t want to move out to the country let alone the burbs for anything. But, sometimes when I can’t escape to those solitudes I loved so much before, I wish I was back there.

I went to school out in the middle of  ”no where” Texas and it was so easy to get away and find some stars. I miss that every now and then.

I’m so glad the sun has finally come back out. I’ll take the heat, I don’t care, so long as the sun stays out. This winter has been so chilling that I have not wanted to get outside much. Since the sun came out I’ve been outside several times just soaking it up.

I suck at relationships. Seriously. I don’t know what a good one looks like for me or what one is suppose to entail for me.

I keep saying “for me” because I think every relationship doesn’t look the same for every person. For me, it’s been making them not want to be with me, so when I want to leave them they’re not surprised. Here’s the worst part about it: I do this before I even know I don’t want to be with them. Like to just cover my bases or something?

I’m tired of being the broken person in a relationship and making the other party feel like crap. I don’t know how to do this.

I think I might have missed my window in truly figuring out what a relationship looks like for me with my ex and now I’m in a relationship I am sinking without thought.

What I want to know is, am I alone? I have therapy lined up to help me start pulling out all this junk, but I feel so lost.

I’m so tired of feeling like people I really care about enter my life and leave wanting to forget me. I hate hurting people’s feelings yet do it all the time in a relationship. I am constantly insulting, demeaning, hurtful and generally a wanker to those I’m with. I don’t want to be but I do it without thinking. I don’t say that to excuse it but to fully explain the need for someone’s help.

Has anyone else felt like this? Has anyone had this happen to them? Do you have some advice besides the typical “do and not do” of relationships?

I want steps…I crave direction. I feel like I’m trying to take it one step at a time, but with killing the relationship before it even starts could equal me being a very lonely person in the end.

I joke because I don’t want to get married anytime soon, but at this pace, I’m probably not going to get married at all.

We got on the subject of marriage, which I wildly protested and assured her no grand babies anytime soon unless I adopt on my own. I thought that was a rather interesting thing to say. Not so much in just knowing but that you don’t fight it. I wonder what that would look like? I fight everything.

In fact, I start giving you reasons to leave me so soon in the relationship in fear of the forever I’m curious how I’ll ever “not want to fight it”. How will I ever allow anyone to get that close to where I say “sure, let’s do it”?

Again, I don’t want to get married, but based on the way my little girl self planned my future and how my conservative family operates I get pressured by the raised eyebrow frequently. My parents actually stopped asking me or talking about it when I came out, so whenever they talk about it in regards to me, I remind them I’m Bi and I could marry anyone. It’s my perfect truth. It breaks them down to the idea and generally gets them to stop asking/talking about it.

I hate my little girl self for dreaming up all these dreams of what this stage in my life might look like. For every relationship (dating or not) I’m in with someone of interest I subconsciously skim down the list of “marriage ideals” so earnestly carved into my mind. I hate that little girl sometimes because she fucks up all good things going the pace they should. She throws in “what ifs” and starts reorganizing the set guidelines of a relationship to invisible ones I won’t know about until they paralyze me emotionless and unable to be in the relationship in general.

Last night I realized a personal faith based truth for my path: It’s not about my dreams/plans but Gods. I’ve been journaling feverishly my concerns with my job, relationships, future love life and the like. I’ve been plastering this journal with words pressing to God how important it is to allow these things I want to come to me. When they don’t I write longer, more painful sentences asking “why”.

Upon remembering a song whose lyrics I’ve clung to with a tight grip, I realized I’m asking God to not take away my dreams thus keeping me stuck in this place of not willing to let go. I’m afraid of what my future looks like without them. What if I don’t live in the house that makes me feel as I always thought it would? What happens if I settle down with someone I’m not crazy about? What if I stay in the same job forever, making little change in the world for the better? Without these dreams I feel like I would lose myself. AHH! That’s the point, right?

One of my tattoos symbolizes a scripture I always want to remember Matthew 16: 24-25.  Jesus said to his disciples anyone who wants to come after me must pick up his/her cross and follow me…for anyone who wants to save his/her life will lose it but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

Losing your life to God will find it…I have a hard time letting go fully, but with a little time I would love to move on from this place.

I repeat the same paths over and over lately and I hate it. What I’ve learned thus far in this “new” place of moving, new circle of people, new timeclock (if you will) is that the old me was not a product of my atmosphere or my relationships. I am facing the same flip-flop, same “what the hell am I doing” mixed with the old recluse. Bah…so many things to keep working through.

ANYWAYS…this was suppose to only touch on that commit my mom made and that I need to start letting go and letting God. And by letting go, I mean the dreams. The house, the spouse the future…I need to let it all go. I’m at a place where I trust God’s guidance and to imply that His world would be worse than my dreams is quite silly. He’s the one that brought me Amy (one of the greatest loves of my life and closest friend), my job (though I try to escape I keep learning in ways I never would have had I actually left), my close friends (people who have lifted me up in the darkest times and were my support), my home (an amazingly large, cheaply priced apartment I just LOVE), personal understanding (through Him I developed the confidence to be honest about who I am and my GLBT place in this world)  and all the other million good things that make days go my way.

Time to let it all go His way.

I feel the exact way I felt while I would be with Amy, have a horrible conversation with my parents reminding me it would never be blessed. BAH! I will never do this to my children.

I feel like I have to make a decision to be with a guy or girl when I have these feelings. Of course, I associated them to pressure I placed on Amy and I’s relationship, but now that I’m having them absent of that I realize it’s all me.

Don’t worry folks, I’ve called my therapist.

I just need to get to the bottom of this and hopefully it will be me letting go of what my parents think, what my coworkers think and what the world thinks. Jesus and I are alright, so why can’t I be with everyone else?

I had a dream last night about my parents and “coming out” again. Not really saying “hey, mom and dad, I’m bi”, but “this is my partner.” In my dream my father got dead in my face and told me horrible things followed by the feeling of being “disowned”. My mother wouldn’t accept it and my family essentially turned a 180 on me in comparison to where I’ve felt they’ve really come. I woke up and haven’t been able to get this thought/feeling off my mind.

I can’t recall the words my dad used, but I’m sure they weren’t too far off what he physically said when I actually came out to them. The last time I spoke to my mom was this weekend at their house for my brother’s birthday. Lately, I had been noticing my mother coming to me on my side of the fence and giving me some love. Albeit, she’ll never open her arms and embrace this part of me fully, but she was doing alright by me.

Unfortunately, I had to tell my mom I’m dating a guy. I couldn’t find the words without being honest as to one big reason why my roommate didn’t want to live with me anymore, so I told the truth. Truth also is I’ve known Chris for almost three years so it isn’t like she didn’t know who he was either. Also, in the same breath, I told her the truth about Amy and I. How we were seriously on and off for three years and since I’ve been dating other people that’s why we’re not speaking. With all that, now she’s changed.

At their house this weekend, I was teasing her about the Republican win in the Senate and how “horrible” it was. She’s a die-hard right, so she smiled greatly at the conversation. Then, after a moment, I said “how about that win in Houston?” (Note: The first GLBT mayor was elected in Houston in December) “Well…[words, words]…we really lost big on that one,” she said. To which I cleaverly followed, “Some would actually call that a victory.” I smiled and knew she got my point. What’s worse, I got her’s.

Today feels pathetic because I feel trapped in a time period where things aren’t changing. I constantly wonder will my parents ever come to terms with me having a partner if I choose to have one? Will they ever find peace in my relationship with someone of the same sex?

Marriage is a word I often pull back from, so I’m not worried in finding my marriage buddy any time so, which gives me nothing but time to work some personal stuff out.

It actually appears I have some personal, relationship stuff to work out. I’ve been dating Chris for not very long but am already beginning to see things I did while I was in a relationship with Amy.

She and I had this back and forth relationship and I always thought it was based on me “coming out” and us not always connecting. Well, I was wrong folks because I’m doing the exact same thing to a straight relationship. How can I fix it? I have no bloody clue because I can’t figure out where this “pull back, jump in, pull back” is coming from. I can’t see the source to know the root. I’m hoping once I get financially settled (or stop spending money) from my move I’ll get therapy to help me out. Until then, today I feel pathetic. Kind of sucks, really.

The roommate and I are splitting ties for the better, I think.

I reached an epiphany while she and I discussed our future living situation before we had come our current conclusion. We had done all the necessary “you make me feel…” talking, but never had I hit the nail upon the head until I said a few words that set me free. I said (give or take a few words), “You don’t respect me. For the year we’ve lived here and known each other you’ve wanted me to come to you as you wanted. You never accepted the fact that I might be different than you in wanting a different type of friendship. Every time I didn’t open up or jump on the opportunity to do something together I watched disappointment and slight anger creep into your expression and demeanor. You’ve never respected who I am. Sure, you’ve respected my space, my things and my person as a person, but where my comforts, desires and actions lie you won’t try. I’ve been working to bend for you, but so long as you never respect this part of me, this part that doesn’t want to share every detail of my feelings or life with you, then there’s nothing I can do for you. I need you to respect me.”

Okay, maybe I didn’t say all those words so well, but all the same they were said. As soon as I uttered those words of peace I dropped my guard. I stopped trying to keep her out or stopped trying to make her happy. I started treating her as a person and went about MY life as I would normally without concern for her feelings. It totally changed for me.

But, in short, she wanted out and, now, I couldn’t be more happy. I actually wanted out about 6 months into the living arrangement. I would tell Ams, “I wish I could kick you out of your apartment and live by myself.” No, I wasn’t implying she were to be homeless, but I loved her apartment and coveted her 1 bedroom wood floors. I all but moved into her new apartment, mentally of course, until she had rats. End of story.

Speaking of Ams (“Amy” in case you’re just reading), things have changed there, too. I’m hoping this blog is no longer in her Reader otherwise this could be a cruel taste of memory. But, I will talk about it anyways.

Dear Reader, Ams and I are no longer friends. Actually, to be factual, we’re not even acquaintance. Yes, we have crossed to the side of not speaking, interacting or seeing each other. I would be lying if I said it was mainly her choice, because I find the keeping of our friendship too hard for the place I find myself going.

She and I said our official “end scene” to our on and off relationship in October. I started dating not too long after that and she worked so hard to remain my friend so long as we don’t discuss those things with each other. It wasn’t until I started dating Chris. Yes, you’ve read about Chris before. He’s the guy that slept with my roommate and cheated on his girlfriend. Yes, stand up guy, right?

I’m not going to go into details of that character right now, except that dating him pushed away Ams and my roommate.

Unbeknownst to me, my roommate was secretly, passionately, full-heartedly in love with him. Don’t I sound amazing right now? Always played off as something stupid she “did”, I never knew of her deep, diary full of love for him. So upon telling her (from him) that he wanted to date me, it set some things in motion. Like, her, as usual and realized now fully deserved, becoming emotionally unhinged. Tears flowed and emotionally irrationally dialed Ams to “have a shoulder”, I guess.

I know not what was said in that phone call or if it was even received, but the angry text that I received the next day from Ams made it perfectly clear the message was delivered. Thus, Ams and I no longer on speaking, being in the same room terms. When I think about that, I get really angry. I never cheated on anyone with anyone. There was no secret plan formed by he and I to kick ass and take names. I acted, in what I thought, was the best accord given the situation. Bah!

I say all that, not to be judged or given a “it’s okay”, but because it happened and has become part of this story of moving on. Physically, relationally, emotionally and mentally I am moving on. I feel as though a part of my life is closing a chapter and a new, very independent part is opening up.

My mind gets the best of me though. I thinks days, months, years in advance to things that I can’t honestly plan and expect to happen. I have a hard time existing in the “now”, but that I’m working on every single freaking day. For example, this move from one apartment to the other is driving me crazy. I want to get away from my roommate all together and have my own place now. But, I have a couple weeks before that happens so I have to wait. Be patient.

For the past four months I’ve been having dreams about me having a baby. Not the physical act of, but I have a baby post-birth and it’s no big deal. There’s never a “father” or partner involved. It’s always just me and the baby going about my normal life. I’ve read that having dreams about babies can mean a variety of things. One such theory, based on me not ever delivering the baby and rarely being pregnant, is that the baby means new beginnings. So, I find it rather amazing that not only in my physical life have I been “moving on”.

Sometimes the words “moving on” together imply letting go and letting be. I guess that’s true, but that’s not really what I’m getting at. For me “moving on” means starting something new, changing pace and figuring something out. I’m ready, but slightly scared.

I feel like I moved to the city all over again. With Ams went some of good friends. Not in a way I’ll never see or talk to them again, but in the “I understand the timing of all this and won’t be offended if I’m not invited to your party or things.” It’s my goal to not lose those friendships, but in the interim, I am left with few. So, this independent city dweller will move to a new, better place (because the goal is to always get better) and start another chapter. All I can say now is bring it on.

I thought giving myself an extra shot this morning would help get me mentally started, but alas my eyes drift and my head feels heavy.

Last night had an opinion of myself I wish to ponder further on today. I am, as I have said before, a “Jack of All Trades”. There isn’t one thing in particular that I’m very good at besides organizing the heck out of a closet. I feel a bit thin and like a faint whisper of something I could be, but can’t seem to grasp it.

I started pondering how I got in this place again with work: Complacent, bored and tired. My boss said he never wanted to find me in this position again, but here I am trying rather hard to bust my ass on not, at the very least, appearing so to him. Loosing ones job is not on the market right now for me.

Just one month ago I was vibrant, full of passion and energy despite all the coffee I didn’t have in me. I was constantly moving and challenging myself to reach beyond the boarders of my own office and person. I was volunteering more and constantly moving in my personal life. There was little time for TV or lazy Sundays.

I think the hardest part about being where I am in the present moment is pulling myself out of it. It’s so easy to allow yourself to slip into a little work here and more fun there, but it is NOT easy trying to pull yourself back out. To remind yourself, though this work is terribly boring and not thought provoking in the slightest, I could make less boring. I could treat it as if it’s something important and dedicate more time to it. I find I do a great deal of that in my office, turning things into interesting things and such.

One would think it’s high time to get another job, but in this economy I think that is very unlikely. Though, if it weren’t for financial reasons, I would gladly take a Starbucks position for a little less boredom in the office. At least I would have free coffee and an unpredictable schedule. But, then again, I would not ever make enough to pay of my ridiculous debt I seem to keep collecting.

I hate talking about changing jobs anyways, with so many friends who have lost their jobs due to the tightening of the company budget. But, at the same time, I can’t pretend that I should sit in a place of unhappiness and be thankful for it either.  So often I accept that it is not the dose of happiness I should be looking for, but rather the need to improvement upon my character. I have, in the almost two years I’ve worked here, grown. Instead of running I have faced and, in some ways, defeated boredom and lack of passion in my current field of work. Though I do find the industry I work in stimulating and interesting, the work I physically do is quite the opposite.

But, again for the reason of economy and lack of options, I stay and work through it; wondering all the while when will I find that open door to a place that I can’t get enough of. One that I loose track of time in and some how find it always on my mind.

Jack of all trades…what to do with you.

I know we are ever changing people with life patterns not always predictable. I may find myself in another place in a year, another job, another town, but will I have mastered the ability to be good at one thing or do I embrace being “Jack”?

Once I read a blog from a woman who completely and whole heartedly embraced being a “Jack”. She made no apologies for not knowing something wholly, but knowing enough to carry on a conversation or knowing what to do next. I know I feel being a “Jack” is wrong because my father use to call it so, but perhaps that’s what I truly am. Perhaps that’s what makes me truly valuable to a job, home and group of friends. I’ve experienced, know and believe enough to get where people are coming from.

Meh…I digress, this isn’t suppose to be about person, but career. But then again I always whine about my career when I’m bored.

Damn this pit…how did I get in here and why can’t I freaking figure out a way to make my rope out of hair to throw out so someone can help me get out of here?

Yesterday, my mother sent me a devotional saying something about “I thought of you when I read this…I hope it helps you see God’s plans for you!” and when it read it, there were several scriptures detailing:

• “put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires”
• “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world”
• “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires”

Then the devotional goes into how our spiritual walk is like the erosion of the Grand Canyon: beautiful, slow and purposeful. THAT statement I don’t mind, but the whole devotional basically said, “You must choose daily to live by the Spirit. Study His Word and choose His plan. Each day a part of the old nature will wear away.”

The scriptures and the words in this devotional projected fear that me being Bi and being apart of the GLBT community was wrong and sinful (something I was taught to believe). My heart dropped and I sought council from a close to friend to make sure I wasn’t reading this wrong. Unfortunately, with the most open mind she had, she read as I did: My mom was telling me to put off my “sinful” desires and get right with God.

I feel like I fight on a daily basis to not conform to the Christian majority. Not because I don’t mind the group, I don’t like the close-minded Bible-thumping mentality where we don’t love our neighbors but rather take the position to serve as their judge. I dislike going to church for this reason and I often shrink away from “Christian” things because I’m afraid the old way I was taught will bring back to a place I don’t like. I was one of those people (judger, legalistic, holier-than-thou) and I don’t want to ever be that person again.

I can’t help but fight God at this place. I want to go back to the feeling I had been living in prior to this email: peace, trust in His timing and plans. What happened? I can’t figure out if this is Him or satan trying to pull me down. I know this can be hard for non-faith believers to take in because it’s leaving peace and thought to things not seen or “technically” proven, but this is all I am. As much as I want to run away and pretend it doesn’t matter to me, it does. It is rooted deep in my person and I will never be able to part with it. It’s not about a point system or earning my way in to eternity, but rather a relationship I subconsciously crave but currently feel distant to.

Sometimes that happens, sometimes you feel like He’s not there when really is US who walk away. Since Christ, He doesn’t turn His back on us, so what’s my deal? I’m afraid…I’m afraid to step forward and be forced to come to terms with His views on being gay. I can’t understand a God who loves us regardless would create us to suffer forever alone. Sure we have Him, but sometimes that doesn’t seem like enough. I love life and being apart of it too much to feel like all I need to do is store up in a closet reading the Bible and praying. My belief is found in me working for others, in movement with God, not quiet solitude.

This has completely gone a different way than I originally intended. I thought about getting rid of this blog the other day, but realized it’s a perfect place for me to vent, talk openly and be honest without being knocked down. I’m tired of fighting with God, but sometimes I don’t know if it’s Him I’m fighting with or myself, satan or others.

I can’t, just can’t believe He created us to be alone, ashamed of our genes and genetic disposition to things not “normal”. We’re created in HIS image, right? So why is it “desires of my flesh” to be me? This isn’t murder, evil thoughts or things to harm others. It’s what my brain thinks. I feel like I”m a hard case, though. I wouldn’t say I’m genetically dispositioned to be gay. I would say I’ve had thoughts, attractions and things I can now explain as that when I was little, but in so many ways I choose to allow myself this identity. Sometimes I wish I was one or the other, though, but that’s for another story another time.

I guess what I’m hoping to gather is peace. Not misguided, fooled peace but a constantly moving/growing peace right with God that furthers my relationship with Him and advances His plans for me. I do know I’m here for a reason. I don’t believe my life has be one lucky train of gayville at all. I’ve met the people I hold most dear in my life for a reason. I’m where I am at my job, in my social world and such for a reason. I do NOT believe in coincident or happenstance.

The other thing that seems to plague me is my job. I guess with our economy it’s not surprising that I would, er, worry about loosing it. Though our company seems to be making steps towards improving our financial growth, I can’t help but feel a heavy blow is around the corner. I’m trying to hard to trust that if I loose my job I’ll find another. Whether it’s good old Starbucks and Dillard’s is okay with me. I know things happen for a reason, so maybe it would be my opportunity to try something new, go to another place, further my volunteering? I don’t know. But, I just can’t help but fear that I’m at the bottom at the totem pole here. Of course, I’m blogging at work so that would make one not be surprised about that above comment. I know that was a contradiction.

In general, to sum up this whole post, I am trying to grow. I’m afraid of what will come because I don’t understand it. I don’t understand God and His plan, but I know it’s greater than me and I have to try to let Him talk to me instead of running. He loves me more than I can fathom and loves those around me. I just am afraid…afraid to hear the voices of old and right-sided Christianity. I know it’s not Him, but it’s so hard to get rid of those voices when they were all you heard growing up.

Yep, I’m getting frustrated with her and the feeling of “I don’t matter” in our past, current and future conversations. I lie awake in bed often going over how irritated I am with myself and why I’m so cold towards her. As I beat myself up for not being nice, rude, short or disinterested a flood of reasons why comes crashing through my head.

I can’t decide if it would be usefull to type them out or not. Would it just infuriate me more or finally squelch the burning anger? Let’s hope for the latter.

First things first: Cleaning (she and I have gone over this, so really it’s a matter of me moving on and letting go):
It took her more than six weeks to finally vacuum the apartment. I can’t remember if I said anything that made her start, but I’m almost sure it didn’t happen on her own accord. At first I thought I would vaccume with no bother if she didn’t because it only took ten minutes and I was the one with the dogs, but then it came to her sitting on the couch, going in her room, etc. while I vacuumed the living room. One time, for HER Christmas party, I offered to help her clean. As I was vacuuming she was in her room doing something (cleaning I suppose) and because of the noise, SHUT THE DOOR. Here I was vacuuming the house for HER Christmas party and she is bothered by the sound of the vacuum. No so much of, “let me help with that” or “next time I’m vacuuming”…nothing.

Once I finally said something about her pulling her weight and she wanted to make a deal that she would vacuum half the living room every week. Half. I couldn’t argue because I knew it was a step forward, so I tried this her way for a while. My only stipulation was I did NOT want to be her mother and have to always remind/tell her to vacuum, take out the trash, unload the dishwasher.

We FINALLY went to each vacuums twice a month because it was the second time I had to play “mom” and ask if she had vacuumed. Is it just me or am I being overly anal about cleaning? I always thought that when you have a roommate (not to mention two dogs) you’re suppose to up the number of times you actually clean the apartment? I thought it was normal to expect two roommates to split the duties around the house as you do the utilities and rent? I have to know if asking her to vacuum twice a month is being unreasonable, because to me it just means less dirt, hair, fur, dust, crumbs and what not that two people and two dogs leave behind.

I think what hurt me so bad about this first occurrence, and why I can’t let it go, is because I felt like I was trying to be selfless and bending. For those that know me, I’m not very bendy so I thought this was GREAT improvement. It wasn’t until I felt like I was getting unintentionally walked on that I started to feel unappreciated. Which brings me to my second point.

Second things second: Selfishness
When I was looking for a roommate I wasn’t looking for a best friend. I was looking for someone that would split half the bills and be okay to live with. Our apartment is PERFECT for roommates in that the only areas we interact are the living room/kitchen spaces. So, if we were tired of each other, our rooms could be our resort away from home. With that in mind I was pleasantly surprised that we got along as good as we did. We have plenty in common, plenty of similar interest and goals. It was a smashing success, until I felt like it wasn’t about hanging out with me but being a sound board.

I’m not going to say I’m perfect and haven’t in-listed several good friends to be the same for me, but I hope this isn’t how it normally is. If so, please tell me(promise no feelings will get hurt) and I’ll correct the situation.

I started realizing she needed to be encouraged a lot, given the silver lining and wanted to do all lot of things together. Now these things are not bad at all, but her desire to be filled was sucking my desire to be around her. It wasn’t like I could say much without it feeling like a competition (like, “Yeah, I’ve had the same thing happen to me, but it was worse.”) or like I just shouldn’t say anything at all. Even in groups, the conversation would ALWAYS circle around to her and our need to stroke her life and tell her she was equal or better to where she felt she was standing. Normally, that’s not a problem because you truly want her to succeed and find herself, but when you feel like you’ve said the same thing seven thousand times with no avail, you just want to drop it and change the subject.

Example one of selfishness irritation is Jack. He was a guy she started seeing post new year and was really interested in. Despite encouraging words, equal happy squeals of joy and wanting to hear all the details, we never stopped hearing fears, worries and over analyzing. Again, not all of these things are bad, except when you hear them six thousand times over with no ability to encourage their disappearance or smooth down their power to take over her mind. Funny thing, she’s a great girl. See’s lovely, interacting once you get to know her and real, so this guy was lucky to have her, but by the end of the whole thing you were hoping he would just take her already. I kid, but seriously.

The second nail of the coffin to my anger hit when she choose to NOT go to Amy’s birthday party and got on a date with Jack. Jack, whom after three weeks or more eventually just stopped calling. Jack, whom occupide all our conversations, shared time and generally supportive energy. I was and am still angry about that. It made me feel that all those conversations and nights I stayed up to talk with her about him a complete waste. She choose to ditch her friends (albeit not closest friends; generally the people she will see at least several times a month) to hang out with a guy.  

That misstep towards our friendship placed this huge elephant in the room for me about anything she said that ever retorted back to herself. Any conversations she would change or walk into to bring back to herself infuriated me. I began to feel like she didn’t just like me for who I was but how I made her feel.

So, in this place I got colder. I started not asking about things I knew I wasn’t wanting to have to stroke any ill feelings or worries. I started becoming increasingly distant because I didn’t want the energy I barely had after work to be sucked into a negative, complaining world. No matter what we did, she complained, but never took steps towards fixing the problem. Again, there I am as a sounding board trying really hard to not get bitten by the complaining bug. I know I’m an independent person and generally don’t enjoy hanging out with someone for several days straight, but my distance became larger than just “needing my own space”.

Third of the thirds: Ditched for a Boy Again
This time I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was. It was a Saturday afternoon, you know those times you covet for yourself because it’s the most treasured part of your weekend, and she wanted to sit by the pool drinking sangria. First, I was like, “no, no ,no…every time I sit by the pool, regardless of how much sunscreen I put on, I burn and skin cancer runs in my family and am tired of burning.” But, she wanted to hang out and I was ready to please. I made myself drink sangria, burn in the sun and talk only about her current relationship with a mutual friend. Fortunately, Amy got to hear more of it, because at that point I was annoyed with having to stroke the same things over and over again to know it really didn’t matter what I said.

As the evening was winding down, we invited said mutual friend over to hang out with us, since, hell, we talked about him ALL FREAKING DAY. The moment he gets there, they leave to go to the pool. She looked at us and said, “you aren’t coming to swim?” Knowing full well we talked about hanging out up stairs and that Amy and I were fully clothed and freshly showered. So, not only did we spend all of OUR precious afternoon doing things her way, we get ditched for another guy. Done. I was done.

I was waiting on her to just say one thing about the following morning so I could just say how uncool the behavior was, but it never happened and I was too chickened to saying anything first. Funny how you can have some of the best lines in your head for telling a person off but when given the opportunity you can’t find the words and end up complementing them on their choice in wine or something random.

Truth is I do want to be her friend, not best friend, but I want us to share a close, roommate friendliness that we’ll appreciate, but frankly I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to be fake, lie about how I feel or pretend I’m okay with the way she unknowingly treats me. I want to say something, but it never seems like the right opportunity and in the times I have said something it always comes back to me being the problem and mean. I know I’m not perfect and have plenty to work on in our paths together, but that’s just it, I’m trying to work on them and she doesn’t. She’s always summing up her situations with blaming someone/something else or that’s just the way it is.

I don’t have the words to say to her right now without getting so angry and irritated. I guess I expected more from her and that’s my problem. I’m constantly being reminded I can’t keep this mentally “if you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours” but I also don’t want to be a door mat.

The hardest part I deal with now, is that I’ve already written her off as being someone I’ll share a close friendship with. I feel like I’m a sorority friend versus a good friend to her, maybe this is how she is with good friends, but this is NOT how I am with good friends. Lately, I’ve been irritatingly cold towards her when she tries to come towards me. I’m not happy with myself, but I don’t want to open up and let her in. I don’t want to be walked on and pulled into that place where it’s all about her.

Sometimes I think because I’m very sure of what I’m willing to do and not it comes across as me not being nice. What I’ve come to accept is, though we like similar things, our true interest, what we spend money on and things we like doing are very different. That’s okay with me, but for some reason I always feel like she wants me to be on the same boat as her, which brings me to my final issue.

Forth of the forth: Differences
She likes to spend money differently than I do and because I tend to be more broke than her (I have no idea how she is able to shop so much) I don’t want to spend my last $20 of the week on the movies or eating some where I really don’t like to go. Maybe that’s selfish on my part, but it comes right back to issue two and three. I don’t want to spend money or time I’m not truly interested in if she’s just going to either ditch me or occupy all the time on her. Conversation is always awkward and competitive for some reason.

Last night, we met for bookclub and then ran an errand to get the “True Blood” season one disc (her new favorite). Amy and her really wanted to watch it, but I told them I couldn’t. I know, I know, I should have taken this opportunity to pull the group together and not be the rouge hair, but this show really freaks me out. I watched five minutes of one with her one time and I had ten minutes of child-like fear laying in bed that night. I’m horribly afraid of horror movies, dark bloody movies and certain “Law and Orders”. Weak or not, that’s the truth and I don’t enjoy being in bed afraid of the dark or things that go bump in the night. I saw the “Blair Witch” project in 1998 and still check my corners at night. The short story is I know what I can and cannot do for true, honest reasons. No matter what I said or how I explained it she wouldn’t have it. Constantly prodding me to watch it and even turning it on as soon as we got home. I have no problems with her or Amy watching it, I just knew I would be in my room while they did. It was no big deal to me that that would be the arrangement, but it was to them. So, instead of taking my concern into consideration and finding another option, she drew the line and I was in my room.

This shouldn’t be a problem but that no matter what I do it comes across as I’m a bitch that doesn’t want to play. Same goes with watching TV in general. It’s a general, unspoken rule in our house that the one who turns the TV on first is the one who controls the channel. Unless, you’ve been sitting there all day, hogging the TV, you get the power to determine what we watch, which is totally fine. I can’t express to you enough how much I don’t mind this rule, but for whatever reason, if I’m not interested in watching what she’s watching and go to my room to watch something online it appears to bother her. We don’t like the same shows so naturally we’re not going to always watch TV together. So, why, oh why, do I feel like the big, bad bitch for knowing what I want to do and not want to do?

Ugh…I’m so tired of feeling like the jerk. I know I’m pulling away, but we’re roommates, not BFFs. We don’t have to share everything or even do everything together. In fact, I enjoy it more when she does her thing and I do mine. Makes me feel like we’re adults not necessary in college.

So, it comes down to this: what do I do? Do I bring it up only to sound like the big, bad bitch again or do I learn to let it go, because after all we’re all different and I need to learn how to deal with it in a kind manner? I want to be Christ like and let so much of it go, but damn that’s hard. I want to not care if I do more of the responsibilities than she does because I’m not doing them for her. In the beginning I did because I thought how nice it would be for her to not have to work around my dirty dishes or my end of the responsibilities. But, after her not ever doing that for me, I start to feel completely unappreciated and like a fool for going out of my way to make it easier for her.

Truth is, she’s not going to change and I can’t change her, but what can I do about myself? I’m the only one that can make things happen, but how? If I have to confront her, how do I do it without it sounding like I’m a bitch? It sucks that I didn’t say anything before about her ditching me for boys because now it just seems like I have tons of issues with her, when they’ve just been building up due to actual events.

Suck.

I keep hoping that age will find me there and I will have not a care in the world in terms of my financial state. Sure, in some places (particularly Dallas) that is called a “Sugar Daddy”, but I believe that is not where I hope to find this financial freedom. I suppose I expect age to afford me all the blessing it has my parents and grandparents. I laugh at it, though, because I’m forgetting the journey.

Amy shared with me this most inspiring article written by a photographer and his encouragement to pursue past your fears and enjoy this ride, because it is the ride that’s worth the life. I must remember these blurring, often mindless hours of work I find not completely inspiring or exhilarating part of the process. I can not find my place in my work by merely walking into it; I will never be prepared for what God opens for me that way. It’s in these little, “why isn’t my coffee doing the trick” moments I must remember He is good and faithful, and I will not be here forever. Though forever seems to etch on in a motionless time here (sometimes) it is not long (I hope) that I’ll start to see what He’s getting at.

So, in the meantime I must ask myself “why is this coffee taking so damn long.”